Mizz - that was straight up delicious
I am trying to stay present as a goal moving forward. And in that presence, I have noticed teeny tiny moments of what I can only describe as pure Grace, where if I take the second to look inward, and block out my mind that loves to never STFU, I might dare to say I actually feel complete peace.
It is fleeting, and just blips here and there, but they ARE THERE !!
And they were only there in the first maybe hour of begining a drinking session while I was actively using.
Then the never ending spiral of The Chase. The irony being that it was never the first drink that was the reason for my abject misery (except it was) it was the hundreds that followed it while trying to maintain that euphoria that my brain would not take NO for an answer.
Enter severe bodily and brain damage.
I noticed during a crave yesterday, that what I was really seeking was some modicum of CONTROL over a feeling of helplessness. The "F-its" can be triggered by just about anything, but I especially see them peeking when I have a feeling of happiness.
And it never helps that we are indoctrinated to believe happiness (or sadness, frustration, anger, fear, etc) go part in parcel with consciously poisoning ourselves.
Then the feeling of LACK comes bouncing in, and who wants to be in "lack" when to be "abundant" is only a sip away ?
Damn, the psychology of it all coupled with the physical urging, sprinkle in the whole human experience with all its follies and foibles. Its enough to make ya nuts.
PS - You got it SilentRun. Pinky swear.