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Two months and I'm a mess.

Old 08-06-2021, 05:18 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I have taken to singing the below when things are not going well in my brain:

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.

I really get into it too. hand clapping and soulful. SOULFUL!
It actually changes the landscape/ brain.

Its a tool.
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Old 08-06-2021, 08:26 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mizz View Post
I have taken to singing the below when things are not going well in my brain:

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.

I really get into it too. hand clapping and soulful. SOULFUL!
It actually changes the landscape/ brain.

Its a tool.
I love this. I've started turning into a bitter old woman 8 years in because my inner narrator is getting out of hand. I used to do things like that so maybe that's part of my problem. I'm also going to check into the chanting you suggested.

I think about things like this because my recovery was anything but graceful. All the good suggestions given here I didn't do and just waited for the wall to fall down and kept moving along my recovery. It worked but now my tools are only venting and waiting.

I came up with one that helped me with some of the people I know who drive me up the wall. I imagine David Rose standing by me and making faces at their comments.
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Old 08-06-2021, 10:05 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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I hear you guys I really hear you - and its so true - I'm only focusing right now on the LACK not the blessings. And I am giving oxygen to defeat.

Last night I was so glad I wasnt near any alcohol because a giant case of the "F"its had me by the short hairs.

This is far less fun than the beginning. But I am not going to cave no matter if I have to throw myself into a vat of ice water to stop myself.

In the meantime, I'll be planting wildflowers and practicing my yodeling...
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Old 08-06-2021, 12:24 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
I hear you guys I really hear you - and its so true - I'm only focusing right now on the LACK not the blessings. And I am giving oxygen to defeat.

Last night I was so glad I wasnt near any alcohol because a giant case of the "F"its had me by the short hairs.

This is far less fun than the beginning. But I am not going to cave no matter if I have to throw myself into a vat of ice water to stop myself.

In the meantime, I'll be planting wildflowers and practicing my yodeling...
Can you promise that if you do get the f it's again you will at least come here and tell us before you drink? I made that promise to myself and ended up having to do it once at 7 months. You, Jaynie and others had my back.
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Old 08-07-2021, 05:00 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
I love this. I've started turning into a bitter old woman 8 years in because my inner narrator is getting out of hand. I used to do things like that so maybe that's part of my problem. I'm also going to check into the chanting you suggested.

I think about things like this because my recovery was anything but graceful. All the good suggestions given here I didn't do and just waited for the wall to fall down and kept moving along my recovery. It worked but now my tools are only venting and waiting.

I came up with one that helped me with some of the people I know who drive me up the wall. I imagine David Rose standing by me and making faces at their comments.
My own inner narrator vacillated from Joe Pesci to Morgan Freeman in the early days. Morgan seems to be taking up more and more space these days Life is such an interesting thing. I'm not anywhere near 8 years but I do know that I cannot afford to be in the mental or emotional place I was in all the other times I got sober. I didn't have a healthy recovery in all those attempts. I just removed the drink and half assed some tools. I felt miserable. We don't know what we don't know.

I am grateful now for all the relapses. The relapses taught me that If I want to be happy in sobriety then I better work a million times harder and keep finding "tools" to get better. Its mental. All mental. Maturing emotionally. Now its all about growing in the positive and maintaining the positive. Hard work for sure.

Nichiren Buddhism (the chanting I speak of) has literature that is about harnessing the power of our lives and turning poison into medicine. Its about winning. Not being defeated and overcoming any and all challenges. The heart of NIchiren Buddhism is happiness. Finding happiness and helping others to be happy. I have not known happiness. True happiness. The deeper solid stuff that is unwavering. With all the trauma, abuse, neglect from childhood to the trauma, abuse and neglect I put my own self through, its not any surprise that I felt adrift and completely lost to the beauty that this world holds. That will not be the story I continue to write and tell. I am creating now. Living. Finding moments where laughter has me falling off a chair and its real. Each day is new and fresh and I don't feel so overwhelmed with cyclic thinking that is destructive to my being. Who wants a dark cloud following them around all the time? **** that!

All that being said, Its a work in progress and that is what is beautiful about it. I am no where near where I envision myself. That is also beautiful. The vision of the future. We all get to find our medicine. We all get to choose the road we walk. Work in progress for sure. All of us.
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Old 08-07-2021, 07:41 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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Mizz - that was straight up delicious

I am trying to stay present as a goal moving forward. And in that presence, I have noticed teeny tiny moments of what I can only describe as pure Grace, where if I take the second to look inward, and block out my mind that loves to never STFU, I might dare to say I actually feel complete peace.

It is fleeting, and just blips here and there, but they ARE THERE !!

And they were only there in the first maybe hour of begining a drinking session while I was actively using.

Then the never ending spiral of The Chase. The irony being that it was never the first drink that was the reason for my abject misery (except it was) it was the hundreds that followed it while trying to maintain that euphoria that my brain would not take NO for an answer.
Enter severe bodily and brain damage.

I noticed during a crave yesterday, that what I was really seeking was some modicum of CONTROL over a feeling of helplessness. The "F-its" can be triggered by just about anything, but I especially see them peeking when I have a feeling of happiness.

And it never helps that we are indoctrinated to believe happiness (or sadness, frustration, anger, fear, etc) go part in parcel with consciously poisoning ourselves.

Then the feeling of LACK comes bouncing in, and who wants to be in "lack" when to be "abundant" is only a sip away ?

Damn, the psychology of it all coupled with the physical urging, sprinkle in the whole human experience with all its follies and foibles. Its enough to make ya nuts.

PS - You got it SilentRun. Pinky swear.
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