Originally Posted by
NewHeart 
First off I'm very sorry to hear about the grief you're experiencing coming to terms with your father's deficits from drinking for so long. Can I ask when he is with other people what ends up happening what is his deficit in terms of interacting with people instead of the countryside and his dogs?
He had never met my children, so he came to visit when one of them had a milestone celebration. He made it through family dinner with just us with some difficulty, but then left town afterwards and never went to the graduation, never called to say he was leaving, nothing. During conversations he is still willing to attempt to subvert relationships (he attempted to draw me into some scrap he's having with my sister). So he manages to make through a daily routine but with other people struggles between what is appropriate, what is acceptable, and old patterns.
Originally Posted by
NewHeart The saddest part is it's not a choice or a personality Quirk or just inner work that hasn't been done it has to do with their brain chemistry is being degraded over time there's no coming back from it.
I don't think there is coming back from it. He had an incredible mind, an artistic talent with woodworking and metalworking, and all of that is gone now. He did not recognise photos of me (I'd sent a packet of photos of me and my children earlier in the summer). So I check in with him now and then by phone, I'm not certain what he retains or if he even remembers.
Originally Posted by
NewHeart alcoholism and Other Drug addictions are self-destructive so it's not a surprise that the mine degrades over time but it is a shock for me to think about how in denial and how attractive to be quite honest it was at the time. I say attractive because I think it made me feel needed and allowed me to I feel like we had this deep connection
For me, this was the parent that never showed up and left me waiting by the door, that made it clear that I was a girl (and not the son he wanted) and to dress / speak / " behave" like a girl, and for whom none of my accomplishments were ever enough, at least until he started being sober just a few years ago, so basically my lifetime, I was not important to him. I have not felt needed. The biggest codependency behaviors I learnt early on were how to be quiet, not attract attention, and to locate the nearest windows and doors.