a look at it all from this side
a look at it all from this side
I called my dad today. After many years of no contact, I attempted to make repairs with him starting about 2 years ago. He is unable to drink anymore because he has medications he must take, but I never rely on that as a guarantee that any addict will do as they're meant . . .
Anyway, what came to mind as I listened to him talk was that alcoholics really do change their entire physiology, that there truly is irreparable damage done. Even though he is sober now, there is not a chain of logic or meaningfulness, mainly a great deal of rambling, with some added suspicion of others. I do feel some sadness knowing that his creative and brilliant mind has changed not for the better, and that he really is better off living on his own in the country with a few pets than with contact with other people. I accept that he has found a way to make a sober life work and that is his choice how he does that, but I'm saddened all the same of what alcohol and addiction robs from each of us.
Anyway, what came to mind as I listened to him talk was that alcoholics really do change their entire physiology, that there truly is irreparable damage done. Even though he is sober now, there is not a chain of logic or meaningfulness, mainly a great deal of rambling, with some added suspicion of others. I do feel some sadness knowing that his creative and brilliant mind has changed not for the better, and that he really is better off living on his own in the country with a few pets than with contact with other people. I accept that he has found a way to make a sober life work and that is his choice how he does that, but I'm saddened all the same of what alcohol and addiction robs from each of us.
First off I'm very sorry to hear about the grief you're experiencing coming to terms with your father's deficits from drinking for so long. Can I ask when he is with other people what ends up happening what is his deficit in terms of interacting with people instead of the countryside and his dogs?
I'm going to tell you something that is funny. I used to believe my alcoholic ex-boyfriend that he just couldn't learn English and he just couldn't learn how to properly read or write in his own language because of an injury he experienced when he was younger. Me being codependent I didn't see anything wrong with this and I found it endearing actually and I ended up picking up a lot of the slack when it came to documentation. There were so many things that ended up having to help him out with not just because he didn't speak English but figuring out how to do most things with all on me regardless of the language.
For the year he pursued me he could barely remember my name and kept on changing it to other names that were similar to mine. I attributed it to his head injury and to him being a happy-go-lucky guy. The sad part is I understand now it was his alcoholism destroying his short-term memory. He was unable to learn English because of that as well and yes while his upbringing as a poor kid in Mexico did affect his ability to read and write the reason why he couldn't do it now was because of his alcoholism. It makes me wonder how much of an adult they are and how much of the endearingness how to do with nurturing someone who is functionally a child. The saddest part is it's not a choice or a personality Quirk or just inner work that hasn't been done it has to do with their brain chemistry is being degraded over time there's no coming back from it.
alcoholism and Other Drug addictions are self-destructive so it's not a surprise that the mine degrades over time but it is a shock for me to think about how in denial and how attractive to be quite honest it was at the time. I say attractive because I think it made me feel needed and allowed me to I feel like we had this deep connection
I'm going to tell you something that is funny. I used to believe my alcoholic ex-boyfriend that he just couldn't learn English and he just couldn't learn how to properly read or write in his own language because of an injury he experienced when he was younger. Me being codependent I didn't see anything wrong with this and I found it endearing actually and I ended up picking up a lot of the slack when it came to documentation. There were so many things that ended up having to help him out with not just because he didn't speak English but figuring out how to do most things with all on me regardless of the language.
For the year he pursued me he could barely remember my name and kept on changing it to other names that were similar to mine. I attributed it to his head injury and to him being a happy-go-lucky guy. The sad part is I understand now it was his alcoholism destroying his short-term memory. He was unable to learn English because of that as well and yes while his upbringing as a poor kid in Mexico did affect his ability to read and write the reason why he couldn't do it now was because of his alcoholism. It makes me wonder how much of an adult they are and how much of the endearingness how to do with nurturing someone who is functionally a child. The saddest part is it's not a choice or a personality Quirk or just inner work that hasn't been done it has to do with their brain chemistry is being degraded over time there's no coming back from it.
alcoholism and Other Drug addictions are self-destructive so it's not a surprise that the mine degrades over time but it is a shock for me to think about how in denial and how attractive to be quite honest it was at the time. I say attractive because I think it made me feel needed and allowed me to I feel like we had this deep connection
First off I'm very sorry to hear about the grief you're experiencing coming to terms with your father's deficits from drinking for so long. Can I ask when he is with other people what ends up happening what is his deficit in terms of interacting with people instead of the countryside and his dogs?
alcoholism and Other Drug addictions are self-destructive so it's not a surprise that the mine degrades over time but it is a shock for me to think about how in denial and how attractive to be quite honest it was at the time. I say attractive because I think it made me feel needed and allowed me to I feel like we had this deep connection
I'm going to tell you something that is funny. I used to believe my alcoholic ex-boyfriend that he just couldn't learn English and he just couldn't learn how to properly read or write in his own language because of an injury he experienced when he was younger. Me being codependent I didn't see anything wrong with this and I found it endearing actually and I ended up picking up a lot of the slack when it came to documentation. There were so many things that ended up having to help him out with not just because he didn't speak English but figuring out how to do most things with all on me regardless of the language.
I guess that they are expert manipulators, and good at identifying how to get what they want from us.
Interesting discussion, thanks.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
Interesting discussion, thanks.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
As I move forward and start making new connections and friendships, I'm being extremely cautious about healthy boundaries. I'm also seeing my children choosing to make healthy boundaries also, so I'm hopeful.
PeacefulWater, you are so right. What I now see as red flags, I did not see when I was young nor in adulthood through my multiple relationships. I can see where my attitudes and habits, communications and behaviors were codependent and manipulative. I accept responsibility for my choices, and I'm attempting to end the multigenerational cycle with me.
As I move forward and start making new connections and friendships, I'm being extremely cautious about healthy boundaries. I'm also seeing my children choosing to make healthy boundaries also, so I'm hopeful.
As I move forward and start making new connections and friendships, I'm being extremely cautious about healthy boundaries. I'm also seeing my children choosing to make healthy boundaries also, so I'm hopeful.
Like you, I am cautious about my boundaries as I am moving forward. I am now repelled by what used to attract me. I am very thankful for this and am enjoying it.
A big thing I notice about healthy people is that they don't try and rush me. Unhealthy people are push push push push. Big red flag!
Healthier people are so much nicer to be around than unhealthy ones. Comfortable. No eggshell walking!!
Glad you are here sharing your journey. Take care.
Interesting discussion, thanks.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
As I worked my program, I came to realise that traits I saw as endearing were really my co-dependency in play and other people would view these traits as red flags rather than endearing.
I think we are attracted to people we pity. That we can feel superior too. Ouch!
I feel that alkies and codies are master manipulators. We read each other and provide what the other side wants. Both sides hook each other in with manipulation. BOTH! It is a two way street.
Ouch again. Not pleasant to acknowledge this in ourselves.
Absolutely profound insights, Many thanks!!!
Maybe another poster has already addressed this, but here goes:
There is a difference between true sobriety and just abstinence, although one has to abstain to GET sober.
I have heard of the "dry drunk" in AA circles. They might not have had a drink in years, but they are p$@@ed off at the world.
There is a difference between true sobriety and just abstinence, although one has to abstain to GET sober.
I have heard of the "dry drunk" in AA circles. They might not have had a drink in years, but they are p$@@ed off at the world.
Maybe another poster has already addressed this, but here goes:
There is a difference between true sobriety and just abstinence, although one has to abstain to GET sober.
I have heard of the "dry drunk" in AA circles. They might not have had a drink in years, but they are p$@@ed off at the world.
There is a difference between true sobriety and just abstinence, although one has to abstain to GET sober.
I have heard of the "dry drunk" in AA circles. They might not have had a drink in years, but they are p$@@ed off at the world.
I keep an arm's length. He asked for my forgiveness, and I gave it.
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