Thanks all. To answer the question: what changed?
Good question. I had not thought about this until I just read that. The time I drank the first time I was feeling depression. Summer was coming and my agoraphobia was starting to bug me. My ex partner was beginning to get annoyed that I just couldn't leave the house. The following day she asked if I wanted to come for a walk around the woods. I couldn't decline, because the day before we had an argument about my agoraphobia. I decided to stop off at the shop on the way to the woods and pick up 2 beers.
I got back and my neighbor offered me a beer. They all couldn't believe I was drinking again, but they were too drunk to care. I was feeling merry from the previous drinks during my walk around the woods, so I joined my neighbors for the night. I thought heck it, I've already drank. I regretted every sip, because even though I was feeling drunk I knew had just broken a very long sober streak.
I was drunk that night and I left my partner a message saying thank for such a wonderful day. It was the alcohol talking.
When I woke up I thought "What the heck did you do? Sort yourself out". I decided not to drink after that. But, my agoraphobia was still there, so I went back to not going out. This annoyed my partner, so she broke up with me. I felt gutted. I cried. I couldn't understand it. My mental health issues were being used as a reason to split up.
I stayed with my mom for a couple of nights. I didn't drink. I came back home and was fine for 3/4 weeks and didn't drink.
I went shopping at the supermarket and went past the beer isle. This had been the first time I'd been in a supermarket in a very long time. In fact, I don't think I've been to a supermarket since I quit drinking. I usually shop at halal stores. I am Muslim.
It was common for me to pick up a box of beers when shopping. I think maybe there was subconscious stuff going on? I got to the checkout, put all the shopping away and realised I had £20 left over. I thought "It's hot, you drank the other time and was fine, you can space them out or just keep them in fridge you don't have to drink them all".
I thought to heck with it and went back in the store to buy them.
I got home, opened one up and sat outside. I had 4 bottles and left it at that. I felt merry, and happy. The next day I though to myself "You did ok yesterday, it wont hurt to have a few today". That day led to 7 beers. The next day I realized this isn't good and I shouldn't be drinking at all. I remembered all the hell I went through with alcohol in the past.
I remembered the family members who I lost to alcohol and reminded myself that I have addiction problems too. I can not safely consume anything that could be addictive. My Dads side were drug addicts, my moms side were alcoholics.
The things I need to change are:
- Come to the forum when I feel any sort of issues with alcohol
- Seek help for my agoraphobia (I have sought help, just COVID stuff atm means there is no face to face therapy in my area)
- Find something to distract me when I feel those thoughts such as: playing the piano, or going for a walk
- Shop in stores that don't sell alcohol. I have been doing this for 2 years, I shop at halal stores, but this one time I went into a supermarket went bad.
- Seek advice from those in my faith
I've had to dig deep to post this. Thank you for asking.