Not sure what to say. Doc gave me the easy option pills. I took them and lasted about a week after they were done. On the 11th I made the executive decision to make an excuse at around 5:30 in the evening to go for some milk which we really didnt need and got some booze. As you can imagine its been hell since then. Excuses and pretending to be sick so I dont have to go out so I can drink. That and no matter how much I drink I still feel sick.
Sometimes I wish I'd never been born, that way I wouldnt have to deal with the absolute **** up I have made of my life. It was a total spur of the moment thing. Like a lightning fast decision and literally from the idea popping into my head 10 mins later I had a bottle of wine (no glass of course, straight from the bottle) pouring down my neck. It was like poison but i guzzled it. Drank another too. Now I am 9 days drinking....again, no chance of the easy option pills from the doc, not phoned him but if I were him I'd tell me to **** off.
I tried on Sat to stop but the hell, the sickness, the boiling burning desire in my stomach drove me to the off license. I have been drinking today, despite being working (at home, **** you covid) but I just want to stop. I have said this so many times. On here, in the mirror to myself. I just want to stop and never ever drink again. From having it easy with a good 18 months under my belt I have turned into a serial relapser. I cant take the sickness.
This is a vent more than anything. I hate myself right now for throwing away *another* chance at freedom.
Any advice is welcome. Dealing with the first day or two feels like a task I am so scared to take on, so I need something to help me although I know that there is nothing except benzos will help. I might taper but that is almost as bad since drinking doesnt really make me feel better anymore, just less anxious.
I love my family, three young girls. Best thing I ever did. I check out on them on a daily basis right now. I am chucking all my life away on booze.
Sorry for the vent.