Phil71els

I started back at the end of November 2018, realised I was hitting some sort of crossroads. I decided to seek help and got sober for around 18 months. Attended AA but wasnt to much into it. For some reason still unknown at this time last year I decided I could drink like a normal person. Several weeks later I was passing out on the living room floor. I managed to quit again in October and stayed dry for 5 months, then one random evening I went and bought some gin. I dont know why. Within a few weeks I was killing myself again. Ive stopped a few time since then (I started drinking again in mid March) but no more than a couple of weeks at a time.
Once again I am at my wits end. I dont know why I started again, to be honest I just want to stop. This last few months has seen a progression, morning drinking, before breakfast etc. Never done that before, but the sickness is so bad. I really want today to be the last day I drink, I've not much left, a few beers, not enough to get drunk (I cant even get drunk on beer now) but enough to try to taper to today and make tomorrow the first day of the rest of my Sober life. I plan on contacting my GP to see if they will give me Librium but I had some back in April and I am not sure they will.
I love being sober, waking up clear headed, being able to participate fully in family life instead of making excuses to sneak off to buy booze or go drink it. I have 3 beautiful Girls and a wife who is fairly oblivious to how much I drink: she thinks I've been stopped since last year.
I need this to end. I am attending the online AA meetings which are great but I need the proper boost to start, sort of a nudge. At the minute every day is hell, sick dry wretching, shaky and just obnoxious to be around. I dont want this. I want to be sober. Forever. I dont want to be sick, a half arsed husband and Dad.
Whats the kick up the arse I need to make this stick?

biminiblue

I'm sorry this is the way things have been, Phil.

You know what you have to do - and it will need to be forever. You can make the decision yourself or wait to have some big losses or injuries/illness and be forced.

Your wife knows. She's on Team Phil. I think coming clean with her will help. We are here, use this forum!

If you'd like to join us in Weekenders, the UK is well represented in that thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ne-2021-a.html (Weekenders - ‘Elephant in the room’ 25-28 June 2021)

I hope you get your head on that pillow tonight sober. I also quit by tapering, no other drugs. I was a hard spirits drinker, all day every day and I made it out. You can do this.

Boondock

Well, you've made a great decision Phil. Now you have to detox yourself and if you've been shaking and dry heaving it's probably going to be a bit rough so brace yourself. Maybe just go ahead and tell your wife because it's probably going to be obvious anyway, honesty is the best quality and a great way to start your new journey. I wish you well, stay hydrated try and eat something.....rest and take it.....That's about all you can do. You've got this, man. This is awesome Phil hang in there..

Mizz

What will it take?
Determination. Commitment. Honesty with oneself. Perseverance. Willingness. Positive thinking. Structure. Time. Patience.

You can do this.

Steely

I'm sorry Phil. The pattern you describe is familiar to me, but you can make this the last time you have to participate in the misery of it all. Become the husband and father you want to be. Become sober.

Good you are seeing your doctor.

Why not just keep turning up here every day to talk about how things are going?

A day at a time Phil. That's all it takes.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Phil. In response to the bolded statements above, are you really sure you don't know what all this is about? You had 18 months sober when you were doing AA even when you "weren't really into it", so you do know for a fact that you can be sober. Think of what you could do if you were really into it. For me, the solution was simple - but not easy. I had to simply accept that if I drink, there will be consequences. And I also had to personally accept that I will never know WHY I am an alcoholic, I simply AM and alcoholic. And while I have the choice to drink or not, if I choose to drink there will always be dire consequences that I also actively choose by taking that first sip.

I'm not sure that there is a Kick from outside that can "make it stick" for you - I found that consequences were never enough to keep me sober. I had to make the decision within that sobriety was truly the one thing I wanted - more than anything else - and then live my life as if I meant it. That meant making a plan and sticking to it - for me it was a combination of SR, meetings, therapy, self help and even diet/exercise changes. You've done that already yourself - and you can do it again if you choose.

Boondock

Note to self: typo, Honesty is the best policy not quality,.... but then again It is a good quality as well...lol

Surrendered19

There are several good kicks in the ass that will make you quit for extended periods of time or forever. Liver failure. Kidney failure. Digestive failure. Incarceration. Civil commitment. Death.

Quit forever on your own terms Phil. The other ways of quitting all have such gruesome downsides.

novips

From roughly 1987 to 2002, I kept relapsing and couldn't stay sober. For me, the necessary "kick up the arse" consisted of the following realizations:

1. I am a "real alcoholic", which means I am physically, mentally, and spiritually sick. The mental part of my disease, which is truly nothing short of insanity, is what explains my repeated and inexplicable relapses. My illness leaves me powerless over alcohol. As the Big Book says, I am "without defense against the first drink" or, more precisely, "The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink" (emphasis mine).

2. My powerlessness equals hopelessness. For me, it literally and inevitably brings me to the point of wanting to kill myself.

3. There is a type of alcoholic for whom the only solution is A.A. -- and I am that type of alcoholic. Importantly, I learned that A.A. consists of a set of instructions that I can follow regardless of how I feel about them or what I think about them. They all involve physical actions that I either take or don't. I have come up with a million reasons for why I don't need A.A., but they all amounted to some version of a cancer patient explaining why coin-tossing is more effective than chemo.

Anyway, none of that may apply to you -- but I'm happy to chat more about any of it if you PM me.

Hawkeye13

There are other recovery methods besides AA such as SMART—find one, or build one, that works for you or give AA another go no holds barred as you see your alcoholism progressing. Moderation is impossible at this stage, as your own data has proven.

Your wife knows. You cannot live with a problem drinker and not smell either the drink or the metabolized alcohol smell coming off them. I can tell if my spouse has had the smallest shot of vodka away from the house either when he gets home, or when I smell it later in a room he is sitting in. There are other signs as well.

I have been a chronic relapser too and my advice is build a better toolkit for recovery, and use it. You can do it, and posting here on SR is a great help—maybe join the July class?

lessgravity

I feel for you brother. I can very very much relate - as a father, a husband and suffering from continuing to choose to drink - but especially to that morning drinking thing that almost just appears out of nowhere. I can remember the illicit thrill/abject horror of opening a pint of trash vodka in the morning. It comes as a kind of surprise, even if there was an inevitability to it. And it is so so dangerous. I remember being at a bookstore drunk as a bum, after driving there, instead of work, shirking all my obligations, lying lying - my god....

A better life, the life you and your family deserve, is just waiting for you. The work needs to get done. What's the plan?

Anna

Welcome back, Phil.

I think the boost you need is to accept that you can never drink again. When you do that and fully accept that you can't drink, your mind will begin to work in a way to help you stay sober and recover. I used to say I didn't know why I ended up buying alcohol, but for me, that wasn't really true. On some level I was giving myself permission, maybe over a period of days or weeks, to drink. One thing I would ask you is what did you change in your life, besides not drinking, during the periods you were sober. I think it's important to make lifestyle changes to support your recovery.

I hope that tomorrow goes well.

alphaomega

What matters is that you are back

And that means you recognize that you need to place sobriety first and foremost in your life, if you are going to have any life at all.

Never stop quitting, keep trying until it sticks, get serious and throw everything you can think of at it. My best to you.

Scd619x

I'm in AA, i had to get a sponsor and do the steps though to stay sober long term, and i did do a few years in AA without doing that before drinking again, kind of sat on the outskirts if you know what i mean? I do go to SMART as well which i find very useful and have had some counselling. It's impressive that you can seem to stop for months at a time, that will definitely give you time to work on yourself and change your normal. I did have periods of being dry throughout my life but it was like holding my breath, i could only last so long before alcohol seemed like the solution as life had become intolerable again without it. Choose your sponsor well in AA, you are looking for someone like you, not someone drinking a few pints a night as the pattern of drinking is important no matter what anyone tells you. Stick around here too of course.

Hodd

Hi Phil, I think you’ve answered your own question there. I look back and think what a miserable and unlikeable person I was. Those lost years upset me, but I’m still sort of young (51) and am now the sort of person I’d like to be. Imagine being one of those grumpy old men who know they’ve messed up their life and that of others by being unpleasant. It’s too late for them.

I don’t know why drinking makes us unpleasant, but it does. Don’t be one of those Easter old men. You can change this and have a great life.

Hevyn

Phil - I'm so glad you came back to talk about what's been going on.
I, too, picked up again after being sober - no reason at all. I guess I thought I could magically be a social drinker - even though I knew better. It took me years to get back on track. I guess it was the proof I needed. I never made that mistake again. It's wonderful to be free of it - no stupid behavior or putting ourselves in danger. You can get your life back on track.

least

^^^ this!

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back Ph1l.

For me my last drunk - nothing bad happened - certainly no worse than things that had happened before but I finally learned that drinking will always end one way for me.

Drinking is no longer a viable option for me.

Learning that, and accepting it, is one of the best things that can happen to an alcoholic.

By putting the booze down, for good instead of just for now, I opened up space to let a lot of other wonderful things into my life.
You can too

ciowa

Every time I drank there was a reason. It didnt have to be too complicated. It could be something like "I just dont want to be sober tonight" or "I want the initial buzz from the first few drinks" What I had to do in recovery was learn to build a sober life and be honest about why I kept drinking, not passing it off as some type of reflex. I dont randomly walk into stores and buy energy drinks because I dont like them and dont have a craving for them. But if I did have a craving for them, I might very well go in and buy one and drink it for the kick.

Phil71els

Thanks for all the messages, I really appreciate them all. Its a hard time so the kind words mean a lot. I wont reply each one but I have some items here that I think people were asking about or giving advice on.
My plan:
Post and read here everyday at least once. Try to get more involved in the site to better appreciate everyone else's recovery methods to help tweak mine as needed.
Attend online AA meetings. Listening to other alcoholics both recovering and still suffering helps me a lot.
Make time for and work out a new exercise plan, I've put on a lot to weight since my relapse from the booze and junk eating.
Eat better in general, get rid of the fatty junk food, eat a bit less carbs.
Practice gratitude every day, it helps.
Learn to meditate.
Work out how to get some help with easing my anxiety when it builds up.
Generally be more positive and less backward looking at the past, try to not spend time dissecting why I relapsed the last two times as I end up feeling guilty and that brings me down.

I spoke to my GP yesterday and he was very helpful and way more understanding than the last doctor I spoke to about this, he gave me great advice. He also told me that I almost certainly cant make sobriety stick for good without help and support. I will be taking his advice. He also gave me thiamine and librium which I am tapering on for the next 5 days.
I feel more positive this morning than I have done in several months, maybe even a year. I can see a path forward, it doesnt look easy but I will do whatever it takes this time.
Thanks again for all the posts, it really does help and the posts from all the 'old timers' on this site helps me realise people out there care.

I wont disappear this time, I am here now and staying. Joining the July class now.
Thanks Phil.