Originally Posted by
Jillian2563 
I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday, but seriously wish I hadn’t. My Saturday is ruined because I feel horrible. I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up. I cannot drink ever again. Why is this so hard?
One thing that helped was externalizing my “addiction voice” (something I learned about here).
My inner monologue when I was trying to “cut back” often fantasized about alcohol… it made plans (“well I can stay sober until my cousins come into town, then maybe I can do the whiskey tasting, but just because I love the taste. Not to get drunk. I mean, I’ve been so good. I deserve this. “ Etc., etc. etc.).
Suddenly, in my heart and soul, it wasn’t a question of “if” I would drink again, but of when and how much.
I’ve learned that the “relapse” actually happens well before you take a drink. If the voice giving fuel to your addiction is still primary (if you’re like me) it’s a ticking time bomb to “moderation” (however long that lasts) back into active dependence and functional alcoholism. Over time, that voice has become quieter and quieter… and when I hear it, I can say to myself, “that is my AV” and shut the door on it.
I should say I am still young in recovery (Feb 2019).