Or "Middle Aged Women Acting Like Rockstars"
...... and not the good, recovered kind. The kind that choke on their own vomit and almost die...
Almost a month ago now, I was once again, feeling like I would never climb out of this hell hole of addiction. Hungover mornings had become increasingly more challenging now that I hit the half century mark.
Not to mention, I couldnt seem to bring myself to open that 3rd bottle of wine without having to finally admit I might have a problem.
Enter "Weed". The legalization and fancy greenhouse fascades made procuring my dimebag, far more palatable than how I used to have to score in high school.
All sorts of favors were passed out for that. Now getting my fix was the psychological equivalent of stopping at a bakery for a few pastries.
It aint no big thing.
So the alcohol tolerance had maxed out, my vape pens were having to becoming increasingly stronger to get me good and numb, and then the Seven Levels of Hades would kick in at about 3:00 am - so, benzos, natch.
Anyway, a girlfriend of mine was having a pool party that I debated about not going to because I had 2 whole days of sobriety under my belt. And while the hostess isnt a drinker, the rest of us absolutely were. And when we didnt have to worry about driving, then going next level would present itself, in all its we-are-just-having-summer-fun-RELAX, glory.
I went. I brought my perrier, it wasnt even triggering. I never was a vodka fan, so that helped being that all the drinks were vodka based.
One of our friends was ripe. Lockdown, a pending seperation, her 19 yr old kid who was clearly and overtly depressed (also in attendance) coupled with sunshine, chlorine and pool floaties, made for a perfect inebriated storm of vast proportions.
The alcohol was being consumed as such a fast pace, even *I* knew we were going to have a, you know, "situation".
But what we were about to witness was some next level ethanol poisoning.
Our friend was totally out of control. Shes tiny, pushing 60, and of a genetic makeup that doesnt fair well with consumption (read asian flush). By all accounts she appears to be just cutting a little lose. You know, fraying out the rough edges that only a pandemic and a teenager can bring about.
"Its summer damn it. And I want to have some GD FUN !!!"
Under non-pool circumstances, I would have let her just do her thing where she gets plastered, then her gayness comes out, then she usually pukes in a bush, or a car, and then passes out and we let her sleep it off.
But, she cant swim...
Bobbing in the center of a floating donut (shes small enough to slip right through) I decided to keep an extra vigilant eye on her. The pool drops off quickly, and did I mention, she cant swim ???? Eventually she worms her way out the the hole and hangs on to the edge until she is at standing level.
And promptly throws up. In her hands. So yay for that because we didnt have to fish the puke out with the pool net.
After we get her cleaned up, she decided shes going to take a nap, in the pool, on the steps, while hanging onto the ladder handles. Her husband (total dick) and her son (total morose teen) sit and watch this all go down. As I'm watching this, I genuinely can not believe what I am sitting here witnessing.
Finally, I said thats enough pool, and I fish her out and since I'm not quote twice her size, fireman carry her to a chair and plop her in it. I never even thought to NOT lay her in the zero gravity position...
A few minutes (or maybe an hour I ? dont know I was cleaning up and running barf towels and bags in the garbage while simultaneously gagging to the point of eyes watering because vomit) I go to check on her and see that there is trail of vomit from her mouth to her hair.
And I panic.
She was (thank you God) sitting in the upright position, just throwing up in to her chest. While passed out. I start to freak and try to wake her. She finally comes to and is totally and completely out of it. But I somehow get her to the bathroom in the house (I'm done playing lady-hero and call on the menfolk for aid). In my friends gorgeous bathroom, she will proceed to throw up on her floor, her mirror and.... her wallpaper.
That was it for me. That was it. I was done.
A few days later I texted her and ripped her a new one while also ripping myself a new one as well.
The title of the text was "WE NEED HELP" and I wasnt about to back down.
My friends all know I am an lifelong alcoholic and I can come from a place both of self reflection as well as real concern. Something about knowing your audience, and your audience knowing you, makes situations like this a little easier to swallow.
Her take on all of it ? "I guess I did it again lol I am a little embarrassed but I am fine. How are you doing".
Well, that just sent me seething further. As I am witnessing my own decades of denial, play out before my eyes.
"We are SPIRALING. We gotta get it together. This is all NOT OK. Your son almost watched you die. What kind of examples are we setting here ???"
It all fell on totally deaf ears.
I guess your just not ready until your ready. And people can only meet you where THEY are.
Even if that means late middle age. We aint getting any younger. And apparently not a whole helluva alot smarter either...
I'm really happy to be sober today on this rainy cloudy Saturday in June. This morning when I popped out of bed at 5:30 am because I COULD
, I hopped onto Etsy and ordered myself a "NQTD" (Never Question The Decision) bracelet with my forever from now on official sobriety date engraved on it 6/01/2021.
I will never drink again, I will never change my mind.
And I will, never, ever again, question that decision...
XO AO
Emancipated 6/01/2021