Originally Posted by
Macyc 
It’s what keeps me from giving in to the pull I have to call him when I get this idiotic confusion and think I want to talk to him, as if then I’ll feel better. He will love me, I can be wrong and it can all stop. Only I can’t do it because it could go the other way. I could get the other thing if I’m not sorry enough or if I’m too weak of insecure or who the heck even knows. And if I hear that voice, I may end up on an episode of snapped.
There is a term, cognitive dissonance, where you are holding two conflicting views of something. The mind is not comfortable with that! So it goes round and round, trying to settle on something "real", like a decision of how you will think of something.
You know he is poison but on the flip side all this, that has now become your world, can stop and go back to "normal" if you make it so. Well, the truth is, you probably could, except your logical mind knows this is not "normal", which seems to be what is stopping you (good!).
It's hard to put down though (and it's also very annoying for you I'm sure). Once you have decided how you will look at this, this conflict will stop. Sounds easy, sometimes it's not.
The difference in thought between what you hoped would be, what you thought maybe this could be, what might of been if he had just changed, and what he truly is. That's not easy to accept. The good thing is, you know the truth.
So how to stop that rumination and disbelief? By accepting him just the way he is. By challenging your thoughts each time they appear.
One thing that might help is writing a list, I know you have his horrendous phone conversations to give you that perspective, but that's pretty traumatic. A simple list might help, something in hard copy even that you keep with you that you can refer to any time you feel yourself dwelling on how it could have been:
- Never showed any real interest in me
- Never showed any real interest in the kids
- Could never make plans as he might or might not show up
- Hit me 3 times
- Would yell at me in front of the kids
- Never let me have any money of my own
- Lied to everyone about me
- Insulted my intelligence
- Never agreed with anything I said
- Would always be happier spending time at the bar instead of at home
etc etc
You get the idea. It's almost kind of a training for your brain when it starts to ponder the whole thing to say, no hold on, wait a second, he isn't "that" he will never be "that" this is what he is. The acceptance of that will come eventually, this is just a tool to help.
Once you accept him for who he is, you will probably feel more like your kids do about him. It takes time, there are huge resentments (justifiable), anger, sadness etc. You will get through all this.
I think the difference between having a list like this and actually viewing the phone conversations is that it is less traumatic and you don't have to be shocked and appalled each time you reference it, these are your words and your thoughts, not his (and if you need to look at it 20 times a day to start - that's ok).