Well, I'm in the Zoom waiting room for the meeting. 20 minutes have passed and the host hasn't started the meeting or hasn't let me in, I'm not quite sure how it works. I can feel a lump in my throat, I'm not sure why I've got so much anxiety about it. Part of me wants the meeting to start but part of me hopes that it was cancelled tonight and I just didn't get the memo. I know I need this meeting and I wish I could just rip the bandaid off but sitting here waiting for it to start is killing me.
My oldest sister doesn't live with us. She and her daughter are just visiting because my grandmom's passing a few weeks ago. She goes back home on Sunday. My other two sisters are 16 and 17 years old. We used to be best friends and tell each other everything. I preferred hanging out with them to people my own age sometimes since we were just that close. Now there's no relationship at all. All three of them get along so well and have been hanging out and doing things without me. My older sister sometimes makes an effort to include me, but I usually hang back because my two younger sisters can be hurtful sometimes. The two of them are especially close. It really hurts to see them all having a good time together when I really could use a friend right now. I've tried doing favors for them or asking them how they're doing/ about their day/ etc. but they just don't want anything to do with me. I just feel so isolated. I just stay in my room and listen to music or watch something and try to ignore the sound of them all conversing and laughing downstairs because it hurts so much.
I would just replace the time I spent with them with my dad but he's incredibly busy with work. I tried to spend more time with him but apparently it upset my sisters and they confronted him about it. They said that he was giving me special attention and being too easy on me. My older sister said that if it were up to her then she would have called the cops on me and I'd be in jail. Even though this happened several weeks ago it still hurts to think about. My dad doesn't care that they think these things about our relationship, but I do. I don't want them to hate me more than they already do so I haven't been talking to him as much as I used to, even though I'm so lonely and it hurts so much. I just can't wait to move out in September so I can live on campus and be away from all of this. I'm scared of being alone, but I'd rather be alone than ignored by the people I love.
Well it's half past 7 and the meeting still hasn't been started. I guess I'll just call it quits. I'm really disappointed because I really could have used some support tonight. I'm tempted to dig the rest of my stash out of the garbage again and trip all night. I know I should have thrown the rest of it away after my first relapse, but I still have 400ug of LSD in the trash. The can's full but I can't bear to throw it out still, so I have another trash bag next to it. I know this sounds so disgusting but I promise my room is spotless except for the full waste bin. I'm still ashamed of it though. I have three geckos so the trash cans fill quickly. I know I can't blame this mess on this stupid meeting not starting because that'd be super convenient. I just wish that it would.