Aellyce

Thanks D, not a problem for me at all. I likely would not have noticed if a poster hadn't pointed it out above. There can be things that bother me when I look at my old posts, but not whatever goes on with the 'thanks' .

I think how we perceive and deal with the past is quite personal, just like recovery itself. I honestly don't tend to dwell on anything much or feel intense regrets, I definitely think most things I did and happened to me in the past are part of who I am now, including the good and progressive elements. I sometimes wonder, given a time machine and some super powers, if I would want to go back and erase my alcoholic history altogether... not sure I would. I would want to shorten it, but probably not cancel completely. For example, if nothing else, I'm quite certain I would not have developed my last 10+ years of career phase without experiencing the addiction and related challenges first hand. Surely, I would get rid of some specific acts and events, but can usually see silver linings even in the worst memories and realize how those experiences have been integrated into the more positive parts of myself, if nothing else, they enhanced awareness, so still not so sure. I think it also depends what kinds of wrongs we used to be involved in, obviously there are some that any decent person with some conscience would want to erase - criminal acts, abuse, accidents, lasting self-harm, major losses and so forth. But we will never know what and how could have happened in our lives had we never experienced the addiction, so it's not so easy to judge and maybe does not even make much sense to speculate about how it is best to assess this? Hindsight can clarify things, but not always. And surely we can find many more wrongs if we started looking with a magnifier, but is it worth it? I would first ask: what could be the benefits to brush through my past with a fine-tooth comb?

I find it interesting though, if we do speak about regrets and the worst memories, how those can also vary. For example, some of you shared that the worst were interpersonal things - not for me, maybe because I'm such a loner, don't have kids or other family or damaged significant personal relationships, don't know. I don't have many significant regrets in that area except the one I shared about my mom, a couple due to not being transparent about my drinking in situations where I could have been honest, the rest are things either no longer relevant now or have been corrected over time. Mine are more about lost opportunities, staying stuck in some situations too long, but even with those... not taking them or the lost time opened up other avenues and opportunities later that I much prefer now, so not even those are too significant. I remember I felt much more intense remorse and regrets when I was very depressed several years ago... I think it was a symptom of the depression for me for the most part.

I also wanted to mention to those of you who do feel you benefit from looking at the past in depth and making corrections - it's most often the 12 steps and psychotherapy that are mentioned and recommended in an addiction recovery context. When I recently got into the Recovery Dharma program (read their book and saw how they handle things in meetings), I felt that would probably be the coolest way for me to deal with this, if I ever wanted to. It's because the method is based on a value system that is very compatible with mine and not focused so much on the interpersonal world, but anything one wants to address and improve. Also, the improvements tend to be focused on the present and future - how we can better ourselves from now on, instead of righting past wrongs per se which, again, feels more compatible with me. Just thought to mention in case someone is looking for alternatives and has not found suitable ones in the most mainstream methods.