Aellyce

Today I asked that my recent (since 2019) account be merged with my old account (going back to 2010), and have been perusing my history (posts and blog). That's >10 years of my ~15 years of alcoholic history. It's actually amazing that I came here, knowing, after about 5 years... Looking back seemed amusing at some places, but mostly the more I go back, the more depressing... to the point that I just stopped looking, because my day has been going downhill with it. Is this the person so many found fun, interesting, intriguing? It's also utterly weird how I could fake being sober for so long, it is so obvious that I wasn't, for me at least...

So, while doing this, I also wondered what you all get out of revising your addiction histories? Asking, because some recovery programs encourage to do it, and many people come here in utter pain about the past. How can that be helpful in recovery, other than the obvious "never again"? This is a serious question, I really would like to know, because all I feel today, looking back at that stuff, is deep sadness that I have not felt probably for years.

But maybe there is a different way of looking at it?

doggonecarl

I guess the same thing could be asked about any visits to our past. Is it helpful? Perhaps. But if we are coming away from the visit with regrets, maybe we are doing it wrong.

Aellyce

Not regrets carl, just sadness. And perhaps that is not a bad thing for me as I really have not felt this emotion for years. Sometimes I don't even know what sadness is when others talk about it... but it was suddenly very clear today.

doggonecarl

I understand. I've come away from some of my walks down memory lane a little wistful.

And that's not always a bad thing.

GerandTwine

I think you’re feeling grief over the loss of the drunken you. It’s a good sadness.

I can cause myself to recall stupid things I did drunk, but it was all so long ago that I only recall having had that sadness. I now know that grief I had felt was from my Beast of booze’s Addictive Voice as it literally starved to death. That deep pleasurable assault of chemically enhanced stupidity that I had spent so much of my 20’s coddling and protecting was dying - rightly so. So, it feels correct to call it a stupid sadness in myself, or a good sadness, because I was finally fully back into humanity and being human, a human being. No longer cycling between a drunken beast and its human slave protector.

PS. A tiny note on a true but unimportant sadness; all the thanks you gave posts in your second identity have been erased.

Dee74

Many of us forget just how bad and mad it was. Having that history there is a reminder that I used more than once on the journey to remember just what was/is at stake - my life.

Regrets? I look at it this way. Everything I’ve done both good and bad, has made me who I am today, and brought me to where I am now - and now is not a bad place to be

D

Steely

It's both difficult and painful to recall the past, but believe it to be useful, Aellyce. Actual suffering, as opposed to neurotic suffering gives depth and dimension to life, and I want that more than anything. I see it as growth. No need to wallow, just growth, as a human being.

Step 9 points it out pretty well, too. "We will not regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it...."

Can't believe I'm quoting AA. I went to a women's meeting last week, but don't think I'll return. I like the Steps though. All can be translated into 'modern' psychology if we read past the gothic font.

It's very painful Aellyce, but it won't remain that way, because we will have grown.

Hey, I like your new avatar. So gentle.

ScottFromWI

I believe we can and should learn from the past, but also make sure we aren't dwelling on it and letting it cause even more problems. As to how you know if it's causing problems, that's really an individual call of course. My personal benchmark for said things is if I lose track of time or lose focus on something because I'm stuck in that loop then I need to back away for a bit. If you are specifically referring to looking at previous posts on SR, perhaps you could set aside a specific amount of time to read with a hard stop, and have a specific reason for doing so. AKA today i'm going to spend 30 minutes reading old posts about ( insert specific issue here ) to see if notice any patterns.

Obladi

The further I get away from my last drink, the more I'm able to look at my past with compassion and without judgement. It might just be too soon, Aellyce. There will be time enough to write your memoirs; for now, I'd suggest focusing on just "now."

O

advbike

I mostly regret the pain I caused others, most of which cannot be undone. I really hurt some people and it haunts me at times. It was not deliberate, but I was in my addiction and not always the best human being I could have been. Selfish comes to mind. Yes, it has made me a better person today, but that doesn't erase the pain for those I hurt. Like my father who died in a detox facility in another state before I could get back to see him, when I was in my mid-30's. I was traveling for work, but didn't think it was urgent as it wasn't the first time. I can just imagine the pain he must have felt. I will regret that until the day I die, and no amount of counseling, therapy or step work has erased my pain and remorse.

Steely

I'm sorry advbike. You are a good person. 😊

DriGuy

There are things in my past that I could have done much better, and there are things that we did in the past that we don't have to do anymore. But that past is always there, recorded in the archives of our brains, and it's not going anywhere. Only the winners of political wars get to rewrite history, and the new history is fake anyway.

I'd be lying if I said I never got sad down those trips. The past will always be there in us, but it is past, and that is no small consolation. One of the great things about the bad parts of the past, is that we are done with them. If it was something horrible that was done to us, it's gone and we can be grateful. If it's something we did, we don't have to do it again. Those are the limits of reality we must work in. But we can't erase the past to create a more perfect world.

Aellyce

Thanks everyone. Speaking of which, too bad that all the 'thanks' by my second account got erased during the merging as I do like to acknowledge people and use that function pretty much the same way I say it in real life, but don't think anything can be done about that. I decided to have the account finally merged because it was just so weird that these parts of my pretty long history here were separated like that. Originally thought perhaps it'll help me to be separated from the older phase, in a similar way some of us like to separate the AV, but it wasn't like I only drank during the old period, so in the end it more felt I was denying or avoiding something without much reason.

You guys brought up a lot of good points regarding the past and how it's good to use it. I'm really not someone who tends to dwell on old things, and can let go of past wrongs relatively easily, mostly started looking through that yesterday out of curiosity, because I otherwise don't remember or at least think about the details. But I did stop when I realized it gave me little good and just put me in a weird mood. It's evaporated with a good night's sleep. A good reminder though, and I very much like Scott's idea of doing this specifically, when I want to look for or remember patterns in some of my behaviors and feelings that are useful to be aware of, and with time limits. I definitely have too much free time at the moment, not working, but I feel it's good for my recovery in many ways.

One thing that I liked looking through my old stuff was validation of what I did feel even without, that I'm more mature now and use SR accordingly, relatively a lot of old posts from 5+ years ago. It would not even occur to me to use the forum and my account in some of the old ways, and I'm happy about that. Well, we could say of course, it's been over 10 years, but addiction can stunt many aspects of personal development, and in some ways that's what I felt was seeing yesterday, in the archives. But yeah, it's good to know that's over now and does not have to happen again.

As far as regrets, I don't usually feel them intensely and about many things when I'm sober, but that thing advbike brought up about a parent is probably one of my most significant regrets as well, at least when it comes to how I handled relationships and treated others. It was with my mother, who was both physically and mentally very unwell during her last ~3 years and I never visited her, not even when she was in hospital. I never felt very close to her but she loved me very much, sadly it was a bit one-sided... of course I loved drinking and a lot of other self-centered things much more. I often think if I were to do 12 step work, that bit with my mom would definitely deserve amends, but she (and most things about my family of origin) are gone now, so it would be just in mind anyway. At least it was a different story with my dad, which is good, because he was very important to me and even my drinking could not override that. I'm very sorry advbike, you definitely not come across here as a person who doesn't care about others.

Anyhow, there isn't really more to my thinking about old stuff, I do feel lucky that I'm generally so present and future focused and even spending a few hours thinking and feeling the way I did yesterday is very rare for me. It is indeed good inspiration though not to do similar things now, not to communicate in the same way, and great that even those emotional states no longer exist - I felt it more than ever yesterday that especially the negative emotional states were really the result of my drinking, caused directly by alcohol, so don't need to worry it'll happen again. And, in fact, not all was bad for me at all... I still think that all the disinhibition alcohol gave me actually put me more in touch with my feelings, even if in a distorted, exaggerated way. I definitely didn't have the experience of being numbed by alcohol, quite the opposite. But I like my sober calm much more and feel it's much more me than depressive moods and a lot of turbulence.

advbike

Even addicted parents usually have a lot of love for us, even though they may have difficulty showing and expressing it due to the addiction, which in itself is selfish. It took many years for me to realize my father did the best he could, given his upbringing with an alcoholic father, and his own addiction. I honor him for that.

But looking forward and living in the moment today. Thanks for the post Aellyce.

JustJohn

I go back and read my old threads from time to time. It's like a journal of my state of mind at the time. I find it helpful.

Dee74

I never been made aware of that happening before and I'm sure Anna hasn't either.
I'm afraid you'll have to live with it Aellyce.

The main thing is none of the actual posts are missing

D

courage2

^^^ that's what I feel, too. I did bad things. I rarely go out of my way to think about it, but me as a sober person sees clearly that me as a drunk person was not a particularly decent person. I've never understood that business of "no regrets." Some things, I'd give a whole lot to take back. That's just real.

To your specific question, does it do good to go back there? The 4th-5th AA steps did me a world of good. But I was guided by a very smart, compassionate sponsor. Spending a long time in your past without supervision, -- I don't think it's a good idea.

One of those AA slogans that's irritatingly true: It's ok to look at the past, but don't stare.

courage2

I have some threads -- of mine, and of some close to my heart -- that I'm subscribed to so I won't lose. I especially like to remember people who helped me back when.

Aellyce

Thanks D, not a problem for me at all. I likely would not have noticed if a poster hadn't pointed it out above. There can be things that bother me when I look at my old posts, but not whatever goes on with the 'thanks' .

I think how we perceive and deal with the past is quite personal, just like recovery itself. I honestly don't tend to dwell on anything much or feel intense regrets, I definitely think most things I did and happened to me in the past are part of who I am now, including the good and progressive elements. I sometimes wonder, given a time machine and some super powers, if I would want to go back and erase my alcoholic history altogether... not sure I would. I would want to shorten it, but probably not cancel completely. For example, if nothing else, I'm quite certain I would not have developed my last 10+ years of career phase without experiencing the addiction and related challenges first hand. Surely, I would get rid of some specific acts and events, but can usually see silver linings even in the worst memories and realize how those experiences have been integrated into the more positive parts of myself, if nothing else, they enhanced awareness, so still not so sure. I think it also depends what kinds of wrongs we used to be involved in, obviously there are some that any decent person with some conscience would want to erase - criminal acts, abuse, accidents, lasting self-harm, major losses and so forth. But we will never know what and how could have happened in our lives had we never experienced the addiction, so it's not so easy to judge and maybe does not even make much sense to speculate about how it is best to assess this? Hindsight can clarify things, but not always. And surely we can find many more wrongs if we started looking with a magnifier, but is it worth it? I would first ask: what could be the benefits to brush through my past with a fine-tooth comb?

I find it interesting though, if we do speak about regrets and the worst memories, how those can also vary. For example, some of you shared that the worst were interpersonal things - not for me, maybe because I'm such a loner, don't have kids or other family or damaged significant personal relationships, don't know. I don't have many significant regrets in that area except the one I shared about my mom, a couple due to not being transparent about my drinking in situations where I could have been honest, the rest are things either no longer relevant now or have been corrected over time. Mine are more about lost opportunities, staying stuck in some situations too long, but even with those... not taking them or the lost time opened up other avenues and opportunities later that I much prefer now, so not even those are too significant. I remember I felt much more intense remorse and regrets when I was very depressed several years ago... I think it was a symptom of the depression for me for the most part.

I also wanted to mention to those of you who do feel you benefit from looking at the past in depth and making corrections - it's most often the 12 steps and psychotherapy that are mentioned and recommended in an addiction recovery context. When I recently got into the Recovery Dharma program (read their book and saw how they handle things in meetings), I felt that would probably be the coolest way for me to deal with this, if I ever wanted to. It's because the method is based on a value system that is very compatible with mine and not focused so much on the interpersonal world, but anything one wants to address and improve. Also, the improvements tend to be focused on the present and future - how we can better ourselves from now on, instead of righting past wrongs per se which, again, feels more compatible with me. Just thought to mention in case someone is looking for alternatives and has not found suitable ones in the most mainstream methods.

Aellyce

What if you actually like your own AV and many of its perceptions/products, even sober? I know this is opening the discussion to a very old topic in recovery, about whether creative people can still be creative sober... if so, post away!