Originally Posted by
edoering 
Perhaps an option (if you wanted to talk with him again, which may not be what you want!) would be to get a couples counselor, even one able to do virtual/remote sessions? It may be safer for both you and he to open up about these concerns with a neutral third party who can help guide and balance the conversation.
My relationship with my AH was similarly perfect and soulmate-esque—until it wasn’t. He was recently out of rehab when I met him, very honest about his past and his goals for his future (never using again), very active in NA and recovery communities, and for 6 wonderful years was the kind of partner I had only dreamed of. I always thought when life threw me challenges, “at least I am lucky in love! At least I have a great partner by my side through all of this.” And then this past year marijuana came back... and then alcohol, and then psychedelics, and who knows what else since we separated. PTSD came back for him, depression, hypomania... Ever week, he had a new plan to change our lives to make it better, my head was spinning keeping up with his words, but the actions weren’t lining up with his words anyway. I thought I could wait it out, and he would recenter and return to “himself.” And then he started emotionally lashing out, pushing the buttons of people who loved him and possibly trying to push them away. Myself included. He started talking about an open marriage, and when that didn’t scare me enough, asked to “go his own way.” It was sudden, and brutal. And his behavior since has been a cocktail of unfamiliar, selfish, immature, dishonest, and manipulative (whether intentional or not).
My only point is, it can be great and perfect until it’s not. And more time spent with your person doesn’t equal more security; sometimes it means your lives and hearts are even more entangled when/if it does fall apart. It took both of us 7 years to build our lives together and a relationship I thought was very strong, and it took him one night to destroy it. That’s always a risk we take entwining our lives with someone else, and only we alone get to decide if the risk is worth the experience. But I think it’s important to go in with our eyes wide open. My husband was always capable of being BOTH “people,” the wonderful man I loved and the hurtful one I’m meeting now. They were always both a part of him, who he “is” just depends on who he is choosing to be, and how he chooses to treat the disease of addiction. I don’t think I fully understood that when we started dating.
Unconditional love isn’t enough. I definitely loved my husband unconditionally (though I didn’t let him TREAT me however he wanted, the love was always there!), and he often told me I was perhaps one of his first experiences with truly unconditional love. That he was in awe of how well I could love. Even after asking to “be free” he still kept telling me how much he loved and respected me, he just “had to do this.” As I started setting boundaries in the separation process and making clear when I found behaviors dishonest or hurtful, he started raising the stakes and getting meaner and more manipulative. As someone posted before me: if love were enough, these boards would be a quiet place.
Although this sounds like a good suggestion, unfortunately I don't feel comfortable with the idea of someone else showing us a different perspective. I truly believe that in our situation, it would be more beneficial for him to go to Na-anon, but I don't see that on the table either. I live in a country where all of that is too foreign for us, we are afraid of the stigma.
I am really sorry to hear that, especially because, like yours, every story I read here never has a happy ending. It puts things into perspective. It is so sad that the person you once loved and adored slowly disintegrates. We all change during relationships, we can't be happy, respectful, fun, loving all the time, we all have our weak moments. But when these moments come more often than not and you see such a drastic change from the man you once knew, I think it is time to leave. For me, this change hasn't happened yet. He is still loving, caring, supportive and all the good things I loved about him. However, we started fighting a lot in the end and I saw his angry side more often, he yelled a lot, he became a bit aggressive, but never physical or disrespectful. I myself became a crying weak mess, fearful of everything in our future and regretting my decision to follow him in his hometown. We were both incredibly sad in the end.
Unfortunately, as people say and I've slowly come to realise, it will only get worse as life goes on and more responsibilities need to be taken care of. For the time being, I guess like you two, we were two adults leaving their life together, having no kids, no important responsibilities, family to take care of etc. It was all fun and games. What if kids come, or a terrible illness, or financial problems that usually follow families of addicts? What then? Is this a relationship that you can count on? We can all feel like soulmates when it comes to words, it's the actions when it comes to difficult times that matter though. What makes it more difficult for me to let go is the fact that in important stuff in our life, he was a dependable person, he was always supportive of me and I really did feel safe with him all in all. But then, isn't this what being in a relationship is normally expected of both people involved?
The way you describe your relationship and yourself, it reminds me of myself and my ex. I feel like we are both very easy going, we rarely fight, we don't nag our partners, we are generally easy to live with, we don't require a lot from the other person. That is why we are so 'lovable', we don't make it hard for the other person. Talking for myself, I even took most responsibilities when it came to our household, because I seemed more capable with those (arranging to pay the bills, do grocery shopping etc). When we slowly start setting our boundaries when we see behaviors we don't like, or when we feel hurt, the other person is surprised and starts unfolding the other side of his character that comes out in difficult situations when they are challenged. We all have that part of us, it is always less charming than our good part, but when these moments come more often, you slowly start realising that this is the man you fell in love with. The one with both parts, not only the good part. And of course that's good and realistic, we can't always be happy and gentle. But addiction brings the worst in all of us, both addicts and loved ones. We have to experience situations that break us more often than other relationships.