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New here and heartbroken . Broke up with ex boyfriend - marijuana addict.



New here and heartbroken . Broke up with ex boyfriend - marijuana addict.

Old 04-16-2021, 05:13 AM
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New here and heartbroken . Broke up with ex boyfriend - marijuana addict.

Hello everyone,

I am new here (29 years old) and I really need to pour my heart out to someone who understands what I'm going through. I have a very supportive family, but I find that their views are limiting and are not helping me at the time being. I grew up in a very loving, secure and caring environment, their views on drugs and alcohol are very traditional, meaning 'Don't ever get involved with them'.

About 3 weeks ago I broke up with my 32 year old boyfriend of 2 years. He was the most loving, strong, smart, charismatic, funny man I've ever met in my life and I immediately fell in love with him. We decided to move in together 5 months into our relationship and we realised we were very compatible, we loved the company of each other, we were very supportive of each other, it was a dream seriously. We both had good jobs, we were doing ok financially. We thought we were made for each other, that we were one. We even began planning our future together, with kids and everything. He is the first guy I deeply loved and cared for, the first one to respect me and love me as I am (a highly emotional, empathic, and as I've now come to realise after a lot of reading, maybe a codependent person).
However he smoked marijuana daily, every night after he came back from work, on weekends after 2pm... I met him like that, but in the beginning I chose to brush it off, I though it was something many people do nowadays. I said to myself that he will stop once we move out from this stressful city and go somewhere more peaceful. He also drove when he was high, claiming he had full control of himself and that he would never get caught with weed on him if the police checked him. And that even if they did, he would not get arrested for such a small amount. He had also used cocaine a few times in his life, but very occasionally. I voiced my concerns many times, especially after the first year and he was always positive and agreeing he would stop and that it was doing him no good in the long run. He had been smoking consistently since he was 18 years old when he moved away from his parents. Also, I realise it was a coping mechanism for him when his dad died when he was 24. I don't think he has ever stopped since or he had ever thought of stopping until he met me. The truth is, now that I see it all from afar, he also seemed a bit unmotivated. Yes, he had big dreams for his life, but it seemed to all stay in words, not in actions. He would never go to the super market, rarely clean the house or cook. I would be the one to pay the bills (although we both put equal money aside for that), cook, clean and have all the household responsibilities, even though during the last year he had been let off of his job due to COVID. I knew I would eventually be the primary breadwinner of our house because his kind of job is very competitive and has no rewarding future in my country. But we also wanted to do our own thing by opening our own shop and office respectively and maybe if his office didn't work out, we would both work in my shop and keep the family going (I would borrow money from my parents to open the shop).
We soon began planning our great escape from the big city to his hometown to open our businesses where the conditions were more fruitful. I said to him though that if we were going there, he would have to stop using marijuana, because: 1. I didn't want it to be known in such a small community that he was smoking an illegal substance. It would bring chaos to our businesses, destroy our reputation, we would never attract customers and economic problems would ensue. 2. I didn't want the father of our children to be a stoner. I wanted him to have equal responsibilities, to teach our children the same values, to be clear minded, 3. I was afraid he was going to get caught, be in a car accident, that he would be too high to drive me or his mother to a hospital in an emergency etc. He agreed once again and said he would make an effort to stop because he wanted it for HIMSELF first of all and then for our future.
And so, feeling I was heard, we moved to his hometown. There I had no friends, but we had his friends, that was enough, I thought. We were having fun and I liked them, however they were also using marijuana, some of them consistently like him. He never stopped. He continued using like before, manically searching for it and texting his friends in search for it when the evening was approaching. I was incredibly stressed what with the new environment, new job and the stress of him not stopping and feeling insecure. At this point I have to also say that I am very introverted and suffer from social anxiety. I had this primal instinct of escaping, that I was doing my life no good and that I was heading to a cliff. 2 weeks after moving there, we started fighting every other day and I always started it. I told him I felt very stressed, that I was going to borrow money from my parents to open a shop that I didn't know if it was going to be successful, that with him using he was jeopardising my reputation and thus the success of my business and his office, that he was risking our future, that he was signing the failure of our future. He agreed every time and said he would minimise his use until he stopped, he offered I take hold of his weed and he would ask me anytime he wanted to do a joint, he said he would never bring home more than a joint at a time etc. We would always make up after that, but my worries remained and he complained that he could not live a life with so many fights, because of my stress and that I had to bring it under control. Our last week together, we had a fight about weed again because I saw he had a small stash to pass the week and felt betrayed, so he threw it out and promised he would never bring so much weed home again. After another big fight 2 days later where I refused to go meet his cousins (it was the second time I was standing them up), because I felt so much pressure, social anxiety and depression, he went there and after came back angry and sad at our previous fight and said that I should never do that to him again. I said sorry and promised to try harder to adjust to our new life and he accepted my apology. However, the same night, I realised he had brought home another stash of weed and felt so hurt... Because I didn't want to cause another fight, I let that pass again... His brother came and did weed together as if nothing had happened, as if we had never said anything about it. Until 2 days later when another wave of anxiety hit me and we started fighting about both weed and my stress and social anxiety, it was then that I threatened to leave, because I had nothing else to give to this relationship. On that final fight, his mother also intervened which was the final straw. I called my parents (who loved my ex and thought he was very responsible, although they didn't know his addiction problem) and told them the whole truth and as you can imagine they advised me to leave him immediately, which I did that same day. And then, when I started gathering my things he sweared on the grave of his father that he would stop. It was a very sacred oath for him, but it still wasn't enough, I still left and now I am having second thoughts... I am now back living with my parents, with no job and every day thinking about him and my choice. I have no motivation to do anything productive...

It crushed him and me, I've never seem him like and my last images of him crying his eyes out will haunt me forever. I feel empty now inside. We contacted a few times, he accused me of not being serious enough about the relationship, of not supporting him in his difficult time. That if he was in my place, if I was blind or one-legged, he would be there for me regardless. That his love is unconditional, that mine isn't. What he said hurt me like nothing else. I told him I was weak, I could not support him anymore, I had nothing more to give, but that he was also unfair, I deeply loved him. It has been 3 weeks now and he said he hasn't smoked since, that the oath he made is the most sacred thing in his life, that even the smell of weed nauseates him and it is impossible for him to use again. He promises he has stopped and it is going to be long term, that he is focusing on his job and that he wants to be the father he and I always wanted to be for our future children. He even said he is willing to move to my hometown if I want him and he will be going back and forth to his hometown for his office. Our texts confused me more so I decided to go no contact. I am an emotional wreck. I've confided in my parents the fact that I miss him and love him and that I regret my decision. I know he is very strong emotionally and capable of quitting, he even swore on his dead father. But they say that he is an addict of many years, it is what his father was (I think he was an alcoholic even though my ex never recognised that), all his friends use and if I go back to him, I will have a noose around my neck. This shook me, but I love him, I have faith in him, I miss him, not just our moments together. Plus I feel guilty for not trying hard enough, I feel I had more in me and that it was maybe a spur of the moment decision. But I won't have the support of my parents in this decision, they don't want him, they don't believe he can change. They think that my life is salvageable still, but if I make that choice, it will be the end of me.

Since then, I am trapped in a whirlwind of emotions... I can't stop thinking about him. I am sorry for the long essay, I am very heartbroken and have so many doubts. Any input is welcome.
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Old 04-16-2021, 09:38 AM
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Ann
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Welcome, Heartbroken. I am sorry for what you are going through, sadly it is a common story here and as long as there are drugs and addiction of any kind in the relationship, there is no happy ending.

He may ask you to hold his stash, but what's to say he doesn't have a second stash hidden? He would not be the first to manipulate a loved one into thinking they had any "control" at all over their addiction. It's an illusion to think we do, the sad truth is that nothing we do or don't do, say or don't say, will change anyone who is not willing to change....and willingness is shown by actions and time and not words.

My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but I think we all share the same pain of trying to save someone we love until we ourselves get sick with the trying.

Take a read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum and you may see some familiar stories. Also, there is a book called "Codependent No More" that helped many of us discover why we were so drawn into the darkness of addiction and what we can do to make better choices and live a healthier life.

Again, welcome. I hope you will stick around and know that you aren't walking alone anymore.

Hugs
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Old 04-16-2021, 11:09 AM
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From reading what you wrote its plain to see that he is an addict of many years. So your parents are right.

Typically when our addicts tell us what drugs they use, how long they have been using, & how much drugs they use - they down play all of that. Its a defensive mechanism. They dont want to scare us. Especially if we are not drug users. I would bet its all worse than what he told you - possibly way worse..

I think you can figure this out by rationally looking at your life pre addict in comparison to where you are right now. Seems to me your addict has dragged you down to his level. He is an extremely manipulating person. You are being worked over big time. Its a common trait in addicts.

I also dont see what he brings to the table. He does nothing but smoke weed. You are perfect for him - you do everything. Im sure he will tell you anything he thinks you want to hear. If he can just figure out a way to successfully break you down to the point where you will no longer challenge & simply accept his drug using lifestyle. Hed be all set then.

I still have a letter from my addict. The title of the letter is My Commitment. It was written by hand not typed. A letter just filled to the brim with big promises, statements of appreciation, statements of love & commitment. Written by her while tears flowed. Ive never in all my life (including today) had anyone write me such a letter. It was incredible to read - mind blowingly beautiful. In the end, mind you, it all turned out to be pure & total BS. Every last bit of it. None of it was true.

The only reason you feel trapped in a whirlwind of emotions is because your allowing a manipulative addict to work you over.

Take some time and read some of the countless other stories on this forum. I think you will find some answers.

Please take care.
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Old 04-16-2021, 03:44 PM
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Hi and welcome heartbroken.

I'm sorry for your pain but I know you'll find help and understanding here.

I am a good guy - but when I was smoking pot the pot came first - ahead of job, ahead of family, ahead of partner.

Unconditional love cuts both ways,.yeah?

I saw I could be the man I wanted to be or I could smoke, but not both.

Maybe one day your ex will make that same choice I did and quit - but until and unless he actually makes that choice himself, I think you've done the right thing.

D

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Old 04-17-2021, 03:02 AM
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All of you are completely right... Let me make some points here:

Ann:
You are right, I could never have control over his stash, plus I felt like I would be a police officer to him. He had no right to make me the one to control his addiction, as if I didn't know he could easily go to his friends and smoke there. It would be an illusion, like you said. And I realised that he was full of words. "Come back to me, we will build the perfect family, the perfect kids, the perfect jobs, come back and you will see. I will stop smoking once you become pregnant. I will never do it in front of our kids." etc. Words and mixed messages. One time he said he will never smoke again once kids come into the picture, the other time he said he would smoke, but never in front of them. I couldn't believe anything he said anymore, I think he said all the things I wanted to hear, but after a while they seemed fake. I am currently listening to the audiobook 'Codependent no more', like you mentioned. It's a whole new world for me, this discovery that I am codependent.
I am very sorry you have to go through that with your son... I think that this is even more difficult for you, because he is part of you literally. You don't have the option to just give up on him. Or I guess you do, but it would be incredibly heartbreaking. I hope everything works out for him. Life has its ups and downs, we have to learn to be happy with the small things and hope for the best.
Thank you for your support, truthfully. I feel like am not alone now.

HardLessons:
First of all, thank you for showing me the hard truths of the situation. Your comment has been the most helpful in my thought process.
One hard truth you pointed out, was the fact that he might have downplayed his drug using habits. Although I don't entirely think he did anything more than marijuana and cocaine, I believe he smoothed the hard edges of his addiction even in his own mind, he normalised it, so that he could go on not feeling shame and guilt. Like you said, it's a defence mechanism.
He really did bring me to his level. My family has never had anything to do with the law or the police, they have been model citizens. Once I started dating him, I joined his paranoia of thinking that the police is monitoring his phone, or that they have been watching his moves to see if he has weed on him, subtle stuff like that, that I wouldn't have to deal with normally. Sketchy stuff that I quickly began to normalise as well in my mind.
He did bring love to the table, if I'm being honest. Love and affection, sometimes security, I felt safe next to him when he was not using. Our core values matched, except from weed. However when it did come to major life decisions, I was the one to go the extra mile for our relationship. I stopped pursuing my PhD so that we could be together (although in hindsight it was a good decision for my life goals), I moved to the big city to be with him and then we moved to his hometown, even though I preferred to go to my hometown. Major life decisions that I didn't carefully think about, that's on me. But I always did it for us and always took care of my job security.
That paragraph where you describe your ex's letter, shook me, because I have also been the receiver of incredibly beautiful words. Especially when we haven't been loved deeply and truthfully by someone else in our lives and we have unresolved issues with ourselves, these words seem like a breath of fresh air to our ears. I think that addicts do mean those things in the moment. They are fully aware of them then. However, they don't recognise that their biggest love above everyone else is their drug and the thing that controls their actions.
I will continue distancing myself from him and stop feeling guilty, because my life is the one on the line right now and I have to take care of myself for once. Thank you so much for your support and I wish you a peaceful journey in your life.

Dee74:
Hello Dee74, thank you for your comment! Congratulations on quitting pot! You are very brave, it is never too late in life to change your ways if they don't serve you well! Indeed through reading many posts, I have come to realise the hell that is addiction and the understanding that this forum has on our troubles.
The sad truth is, that even though marijuana addicts think they are productive and that they would never put it before all their responsibilities, they actually DO, no matter how logically you explain it to them.
I truly hope he finds the willingness and strength in him to live without it, he is wasting his life and he doesn't even know it.
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Old 04-19-2021, 08:09 AM
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When she wrote me her commitment letter (back when) I honestly thought it was real & she was sincere. I had not asked her for a letter or any written commitment. Looking back on it now I honestly believe it was nothing more than manipulation the likes of which I had never experienced before. She knew exactly how to manipulate me. Shes extremely good at it.

Yes during the relationship with our addicts we have no choice but to normalize / accept tons of never ending bizarre behavior & sketchy stuff. Its part of being dragged down to their level.

Our addicts number one priority is getting high & maintaining their addiction. It takes time for us to understand that concept. Once we come to that understanding its an extremely bitter pill for us to swallow.

You seem like an intelligent woman. Whatever you decide to do with your addict, I hope you no longer allow him & his addiction to influence decisions concerning your life. Only make decisions which are best for you. Your life & future are on the line here.
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Old 04-20-2021, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
When she wrote me her commitment letter (back when) I honestly thought it was real & she was sincere. I had not asked her for a letter or any written commitment. Looking back on it now I honestly believe it was nothing more than manipulation the likes of which I had never experienced before. She knew exactly how to manipulate me. Shes extremely good at it.

Yes during the relationship with our addicts we have no choice but to normalize / accept tons of never ending bizarre behavior & sketchy stuff. Its part of being dragged down to their level.

Our addicts number one priority is getting high & maintaining their addiction. It takes time for us to understand that concept. Once we come to that understanding its an extremely bitter pill for us to swallow.

You seem like an intelligent woman. Whatever you decide to do with your addict, I hope you no longer allow him & his addiction to influence decisions concerning your life. Only make decisions which are best for you. Your life & future are on the line here.
Wow, what your ex did sounds absolutely awful. I don't know, I might be naive, but how could someone be so manipulative and pure evil? I guess you also thought at the time that she loved you so much, that you were above her drug of choice. I gather you have separated?

We talked today, he had his birthday and I couldn't not wish him. He told me he hasn't smoked weed for about a month now and that he hasn't had any craving for it, on the contrary it nauseates him, because it reminds him of what he lost. He has also started exercising again and is actively involved in his job, despite all the hurt he feels from losing me. He believes he is strong enough to get through this and says he doesn't want to use again. Also, he hasn't upped his alcohol intake to compensate for the lack of weed. I believe him, he has been extremely honest throughout our relationship and I don't have reason to stop now. He wants me back and meet face to face, however I said no, because I still don't trust him and I don't trust myself to make the right decision for us when I see him. I will be so emotionally vulnerable from seeing him and missing him that I will most certainly want him back in my life. However I'll still have my doubts and we'll end up breaking up again. I want to avoid all that hurt.

I never gave him another chance and that's all he asks, to give him a chance while sober. He is certain he won't use again, or use anything else to replace the weed. He says he learned his lesson now that he knows what it cost him. He says he is working on himself, loving and forgiving himself, taking care of his health etc. I need to believe him so much, to start building my trust again, but my parents won't support me in my decision if I choose to take him back. He is also blaming me that I never loved him enough or as much as I said I did, because if I did, now that he is sober, I could choose to trust him and we could be together again. But he doesn't get it, trust and love are two very different things. And he doesn't get it that only time can tell if he will be sober indeed in the long run, he thinks that once he made the decision to quit, that is enough. Is that true with marijuana, since they say it not a very physically addictive drug? I want to believe him... But at the same time, I want to put an end to it and move on with my life, because everybody tells me it's not going to work, he will relapse and I will destroy my life once again. I am so confused and I still love him immensely.
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Old 04-21-2021, 08:18 AM
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Im not with her anymore. I basically crawled away from her back in June of 2017. Since then, there have been intermittent contacts from her. The last was January 2020. I havent seen or heard from her since. Yes I thought she loved me. Possibly in her own way she did. Shes a long term addict. I didnt know she was an addict until several months after I met her.

You said above "he hasn't upped his alcohol intake to compensate for the lack of weed" which means he is still drinking. Seems like a red flag to me.

Your last paragraph above sound to me like pure manipulation on his part. I dont think you should automatically trust or believe him on anything hes telling you. He knows your venerable. He wants the person who does everything for him back in his life.

If hes truly in recovery, then he should understand what hes done to you. He should give you all the time you need to heal. Tell him you will consider getting back together with him in a year. Then step back for the fire works show.

I am assuming the everyone who is telling you its not going to work are all people you trust & non addicts? BTW I agree with your everyone.

Please take care
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Old 04-21-2021, 10:32 AM
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I agree with HardLessons, I would be very careful if he’s blaming you of anything. Part of being responsible/accountable in action (not just words) is not blaming or accusing others. I was always told by my friends in NA that part of recovery is taking responsibility for yourself and accepting “life on life’s terms,” so a good sign someone is serious about recovery are actions/decisions that show accountability.

I asked my therapist what I can treat as “truth” when it comes to mental illness and addiction, and she basically shared that the only things we can really truly treat as truth are red flags. Everything else only time will tell. Given that, give yourself whatever time and space you need in the meantime to be safe and happy.
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Old 04-21-2021, 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Im not with her anymore. I basically crawled away from her back in June of 2017. Since then, there have been intermittent contacts from her. The last was January 2020. I havent seen or heard from her since. Yes I thought she loved me. Possibly in her own way she did. Shes a long term addict. I didnt know she was an addict until several months after I met her.

You said above "he hasn't upped his alcohol intake to compensate for the lack of weed" which means he is still drinking. Seems like a red flag to me.

Your last paragraph above sound to me like pure manipulation on his part. I dont think you should automatically trust or believe him on anything hes telling you. He knows your venerable. He wants the person who does everything for him back in his life.

If hes truly in recovery, then he should understand what hes done to you. He should give you all the time you need to heal. Tell him you will consider getting back together with him in a year. Then step back for the fire works show.

I am assuming the everyone who is telling you its not going to work are all people you trust & non addicts? BTW I agree with your everyone.

Please take care
I see. I am very sorry you had to go through her manipulations and lies. I guess it was a blessing in disguise though, as I often come to realise from stories in this forum. You came out stronger and learned a lot about yourself and others. But it must have been really hard for you to realise she was an addict months into the relationship. It wasn't something you signed up for in the first place.

He has never been much of a big drinker, he only ever drank when he was with friends, which was once a week and he never had too much to drink even then anyway. Only 2-3 drinks max. For me that sounds normal. He only ever mentioned his unchanged drinking habits because I had once said to him that I was afraid if he quits weed, he will start drinking more. Furthermore, he said his big brother also quit weed, they quit together because they realised the harm it was doing to them professionally and personally. So now he has a support system.

I really think he has changed his ways, or at least his habits, but is that viable? I know he is a very smart person, with so much willingness and inner strength, that if he sets his mind on something, he is successful at doing it. I know he is not lying, it was never our dynamic to lie. But at the same time he is frustrated that I have my doubts on trusting him that early on again. I told him "I know you've stopped and I'm proud of you. But is this long-term? I can't trust you yet." and he doesn't understand that. Like I said he says "If you truly loved me unconditionally, you wouldn't cancel me and my attempts." I think you are right, he is manipulating me, but maybe not consciously. Maybe he feels like now that he quit, we can easily go back to where we were. He still doesn't understand how much he hurt me and how betrayed I feel.

Yes, they are people I love and non-addicts. I refuse to make a decision that will be another big sacrifice from my part, get once again involved in a relationship that my parents disapprove of and have very reasonable doubts against. It will destroy them, worrying about me all the time. This feels wrong, even more so than putting up with his habits. And the reason it feels wrong is because I don't know if his new life is sustainable for him.

Thank you for your support once again. It helps me immensely coming here and pouring my heart out.
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Old 04-22-2021, 12:30 AM
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Originally Posted by edoering View Post
I agree with HardLessons, I would be very careful if he’s blaming you of anything. Part of being responsible/accountable in action (not just words) is not blaming or accusing others. I was always told by my friends in NA that part of recovery is taking responsibility for yourself and accepting “life on life’s terms,” so a good sign someone is serious about recovery are actions/decisions that show accountability.

I asked my therapist what I can treat as “truth” when it comes to mental illness and addiction, and she basically shared that the only things we can really truly treat as truth are red flags. Everything else only time will tell. Given that, give yourself whatever time and space you need in the meantime to be safe and happy.
Thank you. This helped me a lot! I feel guilty because I was a newbie on addiction and I didn't know what to say to him, I blamed him for his addiction and for the downfall of our relationship and that made him defensive and blamed me. We are only humans. He blamed me not only for not loving him unconditionally, but also that the true reason I was leaving was not his addiction, but my fear of opening my own business in his hometown. It is true in part, I had my doubts to open my business in a new environment, but the thing is, his habit never made me feel secure in that small town. He has quit weed, but part of him I think is still in denial of how detrimental it was in our relationship.

Right now I don't see any red flags, apart from the fact that he doesn't really understand how much his addiction hurt me and his slight denial. He offered to meet in person to talk, I reluctantly agreed, but then I told him I changed my mind, because I want to do what's best for us both, stay apart to deal with our issues. He got angry, told me that I killed him, that he was anticipating our meet up and that I treat him like a puppet, hot and cold. I feel so sad after that and guilty, I didn't want to hurt him, I shouldn't have said yes in the first place, but I really do miss him. But in the end he was really sweet and wished me all good things in my life, he told me that he will love me forever and that I was his soul mate.
I don't know what to say... I think his anger bursts are only human, I didn't handle the situation correctly, I could have been more resolute in my decisions. But I love him like I've loved nobody else in my life and I am torn between letting him go and getting back together. Because apart from his marijuana addiction, he is the PERFECT man for me. We have a lot of fun together, he is smart, funny, supportive, loving, strong, sensitive. Our dynamic was perfect. He made me strive to better myself, he admired me and I him, we respected each other. Even when we fought, we never called each other names, it was all civilised and after a few minutes we always made up. We couldn't stand being mad at each other. But we didn't have any serious problems to begin with. The serious fights were always about weed.

And now I am stricken with grief, because I mourn the man I know and our relationship. If it wasn't for the weed...
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Old 04-22-2021, 08:30 AM
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Perhaps an option (if you wanted to talk with him again, which may not be what you want!) would be to get a couples counselor, even one able to do virtual/remote sessions? It may be safer for both you and he to open up about these concerns with a neutral third party who can help guide and balance the conversation.

My relationship with my AH was similarly perfect and soulmate-esque—until it wasn’t. He was recently out of rehab when I met him, very honest about his past and his goals for his future (never using again), very active in NA and recovery communities, and for 6 wonderful years was the kind of partner I had only dreamed of. I always thought when life threw me challenges, “at least I am lucky in love! At least I have a great partner by my side through all of this.” And then this past year marijuana came back... and then alcohol, and then psychedelics, and who knows what else since we separated. PTSD came back for him, depression, hypomania... Ever week, he had a new plan to change our lives to make it better, my head was spinning keeping up with his words, but the actions weren’t lining up with his words anyway. I thought I could wait it out, and he would recenter and return to “himself.” And then he started emotionally lashing out, pushing the buttons of people who loved him and possibly trying to push them away. Myself included. He started talking about an open marriage, and when that didn’t scare me enough, asked to “go his own way.” It was sudden, and brutal. And his behavior since has been a cocktail of unfamiliar, selfish, immature, dishonest, and manipulative (whether intentional or not).

My only point is, it can be great and perfect until it’s not. And more time spent with your person doesn’t equal more security; sometimes it means your lives and hearts are even more entangled when/if it does fall apart. It took both of us 7 years to build our lives together and a relationship I thought was very strong, and it took him one night to destroy it. That’s always a risk we take entwining our lives with someone else, and only we alone get to decide if the risk is worth the experience. But I think it’s important to go in with our eyes wide open. My husband was always capable of being BOTH “people,” the wonderful man I loved and the hurtful one I’m meeting now. They were always both a part of him, who he “is” just depends on who he is choosing to be, and how he chooses to treat the disease of addiction. I don’t think I fully understood that when we started dating.

Unconditional love isn’t enough. I definitely loved my husband unconditionally (though I didn’t let him TREAT me however he wanted, the love was always there!), and he often told me I was perhaps one of his first experiences with truly unconditional love. That he was in awe of how well I could love. Even after asking to “be free” he still kept telling me how much he loved and respected me, he just “had to do this.” As I started setting boundaries in the separation process and making clear when I found behaviors dishonest or hurtful, he started raising the stakes and getting meaner and more manipulative. As someone posted before me: if love were enough, these boards would be a quiet place.
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Old 04-22-2021, 11:55 AM
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You said in your opening post he has been smoking weed consistently since he was 18 & he is now 32. Im guessing he also smoked weed before the age of 18 but not consistently. He has been consistently smoking weed for all of his adult life. He also moderately drinks alcohol & has admitted to trying cocaine a few times, but very occasionally.

I read what you wrote how you feel about him. I understand that part.

Something however obviously has gone very wrong here. You ended up moving out & living with your parents. You posted your story on SR F & F Substance Abuse Forum. You didnt post your story on some type of unconditional love or romance forum.

Do you believe he is an addict?

If the answer to that question is yes - then you need to think through what if you go back to him & find weed. Chances are you will find weed. The only reason he says he stopped is because of you. He didnt stop for his own good. He stopped because you left & forced him into it (at least so he says) His brother also now has stopped. What about all those friends have they stopped? Can he be around those friends while they get high and not do it himself?

Addiction is no small stumbling block to a relationship. Its a major ugly in your face type problem. Oh its only weed. Yeah thats today. What happens tomorrow more coke maybe hit of crystal meth? The train often goes totally off the tracks dramatically & suddenly.

This is your life, its not mine. I can only hope you will think this through. I went back numerous times. Each time when the bad happened again, I lost more of myself. Each & every time I went back it got worse way worse. Hoping you wont make the same mistakes as I did.

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Old 04-23-2021, 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by edoering View Post
Perhaps an option (if you wanted to talk with him again, which may not be what you want!) would be to get a couples counselor, even one able to do virtual/remote sessions? It may be safer for both you and he to open up about these concerns with a neutral third party who can help guide and balance the conversation.

My relationship with my AH was similarly perfect and soulmate-esque—until it wasn’t. He was recently out of rehab when I met him, very honest about his past and his goals for his future (never using again), very active in NA and recovery communities, and for 6 wonderful years was the kind of partner I had only dreamed of. I always thought when life threw me challenges, “at least I am lucky in love! At least I have a great partner by my side through all of this.” And then this past year marijuana came back... and then alcohol, and then psychedelics, and who knows what else since we separated. PTSD came back for him, depression, hypomania... Ever week, he had a new plan to change our lives to make it better, my head was spinning keeping up with his words, but the actions weren’t lining up with his words anyway. I thought I could wait it out, and he would recenter and return to “himself.” And then he started emotionally lashing out, pushing the buttons of people who loved him and possibly trying to push them away. Myself included. He started talking about an open marriage, and when that didn’t scare me enough, asked to “go his own way.” It was sudden, and brutal. And his behavior since has been a cocktail of unfamiliar, selfish, immature, dishonest, and manipulative (whether intentional or not).

My only point is, it can be great and perfect until it’s not. And more time spent with your person doesn’t equal more security; sometimes it means your lives and hearts are even more entangled when/if it does fall apart. It took both of us 7 years to build our lives together and a relationship I thought was very strong, and it took him one night to destroy it. That’s always a risk we take entwining our lives with someone else, and only we alone get to decide if the risk is worth the experience. But I think it’s important to go in with our eyes wide open. My husband was always capable of being BOTH “people,” the wonderful man I loved and the hurtful one I’m meeting now. They were always both a part of him, who he “is” just depends on who he is choosing to be, and how he chooses to treat the disease of addiction. I don’t think I fully understood that when we started dating.

Unconditional love isn’t enough. I definitely loved my husband unconditionally (though I didn’t let him TREAT me however he wanted, the love was always there!), and he often told me I was perhaps one of his first experiences with truly unconditional love. That he was in awe of how well I could love. Even after asking to “be free” he still kept telling me how much he loved and respected me, he just “had to do this.” As I started setting boundaries in the separation process and making clear when I found behaviors dishonest or hurtful, he started raising the stakes and getting meaner and more manipulative. As someone posted before me: if love were enough, these boards would be a quiet place.
Although this sounds like a good suggestion, unfortunately I don't feel comfortable with the idea of someone else showing us a different perspective. I truly believe that in our situation, it would be more beneficial for him to go to Na-anon, but I don't see that on the table either. I live in a country where all of that is too foreign for us, we are afraid of the stigma.

I am really sorry to hear that, especially because, like yours, every story I read here never has a happy ending. It puts things into perspective. It is so sad that the person you once loved and adored slowly disintegrates. We all change during relationships, we can't be happy, respectful, fun, loving all the time, we all have our weak moments. But when these moments come more often than not and you see such a drastic change from the man you once knew, I think it is time to leave. For me, this change hasn't happened yet. He is still loving, caring, supportive and all the good things I loved about him. However, we started fighting a lot in the end and I saw his angry side more often, he yelled a lot, he became a bit aggressive, but never physical or disrespectful. I myself became a crying weak mess, fearful of everything in our future and regretting my decision to follow him in his hometown. We were both incredibly sad in the end.

Unfortunately, as people say and I've slowly come to realise, it will only get worse as life goes on and more responsibilities need to be taken care of. For the time being, I guess like you two, we were two adults leaving their life together, having no kids, no important responsibilities, family to take care of etc. It was all fun and games. What if kids come, or a terrible illness, or financial problems that usually follow families of addicts? What then? Is this a relationship that you can count on? We can all feel like soulmates when it comes to words, it's the actions when it comes to difficult times that matter though. What makes it more difficult for me to let go is the fact that in important stuff in our life, he was a dependable person, he was always supportive of me and I really did feel safe with him all in all. But then, isn't this what being in a relationship is normally expected of both people involved?

The way you describe your relationship and yourself, it reminds me of myself and my ex. I feel like we are both very easy going, we rarely fight, we don't nag our partners, we are generally easy to live with, we don't require a lot from the other person. That is why we are so 'lovable', we don't make it hard for the other person. Talking for myself, I even took most responsibilities when it came to our household, because I seemed more capable with those (arranging to pay the bills, do grocery shopping etc). When we slowly start setting our boundaries when we see behaviors we don't like, or when we feel hurt, the other person is surprised and starts unfolding the other side of his character that comes out in difficult situations when they are challenged. We all have that part of us, it is always less charming than our good part, but when these moments come more often, you slowly start realising that this is the man you fell in love with. The one with both parts, not only the good part. And of course that's good and realistic, we can't always be happy and gentle. But addiction brings the worst in all of us, both addicts and loved ones. We have to experience situations that break us more often than other relationships.
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Old 04-23-2021, 01:08 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
You said in your opening post he has been smoking weed consistently since he was 18 & he is now 32. Im guessing he also smoked weed before the age of 18 but not consistently. He has been consistently smoking weed for all of his adult life. He also moderately drinks alcohol & has admitted to trying cocaine a few times, but very occasionally.

I read what you wrote how you feel about him. I understand that part.

Something however obviously has gone very wrong here. You ended up moving out & living with your parents. You posted your story on SR F & F Substance Abuse Forum. You didnt post your story on some type of unconditional love or romance forum.

Do you believe he is an addict?

If the answer to that question is yes - then you need to think through what if you go back to him & find weed. Chances are you will find weed. The only reason he says he stopped is because of you. He didnt stop for his own good. He stopped because you left & forced him into it (at least so he says) His brother also now has stopped. What about all those friends have they stopped? Can he be around those friends while they get high and not do it himself?

Addiction is no small stumbling block to a relationship. Its a major ugly in your face type problem. Oh its only weed. Yeah thats today. What happens tomorrow more coke maybe hit of crystal meth? The train often goes totally off the tracks dramatically & suddenly.

This is your life, its not mine. I can only hope you will think this through. I went back numerous times. Each time when the bad happened again, I lost more of myself. Each & every time I went back it got worse way worse. Hoping you wont make the same mistakes as I did.
HardLessons, you always manage to put things into perspective for me!

Yes, he is a marijuana addict, he presents all of the characteristics of one. Yes, I left my job, I moved out of our house and moved in with my parents. Again, I was the one to completely turn my life upside down and make drastic changes. And he believes that we broke up because of stupid reasons. That it was easy for him to quit, he just wasn't ready yet.

No matter how many times I read your comments and I repeat those things above to myself, I am really struggling to cope with this situation and I think I am in denial as well. I tell myself it's only weed, it can't be that hard to quit weed. He told me he wanted to quit for himself anyways, not just for me, because it didn't do him any good. He just wanted more time to rid himself of it. And after he realised what he lost, it was just appalling to continue using. These are his words. So I try to convince myself that he was going to quit anyway, it was just taking more time than I liked. But I could see no efforts of him stopping. He just threw away the weed every time we fought and then the next day bought another stash. It was a compulsion! (If he hadn't met me though, I believe that he would continue using till the end of his days. He didn't feel that his use was problematic, he found nothing inherently bad about it, he said that everyone did it.)
And after he gets over the overconfident phase of "I'm exercising every day, I am on top of my job and responsibilities, I've got this, even though I feel like my world has ended!", I am afraid he will go back to it or something else. He says he won't, because he managed to stop now in the most difficult and hard time of his life and he doesn't even need it, he has no cravings.

I repeat myself again and again. I always come here and remind myself of all the reasons not to go back, but at the same time it is so incredibly hard not to. I know my mind says not get involved again with addiction, it's not just weed, it's the escapist mentality of it all. But my heart believes he can quit, it was a very big phase in his life, but a phase nonetheless.
I am sorry, I have tired you with my thoughts. It just helps me get through it and understand myself a bit better.
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Old 04-23-2021, 08:12 AM
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You have not tired me at all with your thoughts. Ive been through everything you are thinking. I know all those thoughts.

I totally understand that even after reading on here various opinions & possibly even totally agreeing with those opinions, one can still be confused & struggle to cope with the situation. I get it. If this was all easy to do - we would all be fine & there would be no need for this forum. There would not be thousands of individual stories posted here. Unfortunately this is not an easy situation.

I did the same with my addict as you are doing now. I tried to rationalize her crazy addict behavior telling myself its not all that bad is it. I was clearly in denial. It took a lot of time for me to understand & break free from my own denial.

You wrote above "But I could see no efforts of him stopping. He just threw away the weed every time we fought and then the next day bought another stash. It was a compulsion! (If he hadn't met me though, I believe that he would continue using till the end of his days. He didn't feel that his use was problematic, he found nothing inherently bad about it, he said that everyone did it.)"

So if he hadnt met you he would still be using till the end of his days. Our addicts dont stop because of us. They arent using drugs either because of us. They are using drugs because they have various unresolved mental issues which have nothing to do with us. Because of that they arent going to stop because of us. They might slow down and / or promise the world but in the end they are addicts & are thereby driven to use various drugs.
For us non-addicts its hard to understand this extreme need to get & stay high.

You also wrote: He didn't feel that his use was problematic, he found nothing inherently bad about it, he said that everyone did it. These are typical addict statements.

He doesnt have a problem. He doesnt think any of this is a problem. There is nothing inherently bad about it. Everyone does it. - Everyone does it I dont do you? You are the one with the problem not him. Same as me - she didnt have a problem I had the problem. Our addicts dont recover or stop abusing drugs until they fully recognize they have a major problem going on & actively choose to get structured professional help.

If you go back with him the only way it will work is for you to totally accept that he is an addict & he will use drugs. Other wise you are most likely in for a very rough ride. Add in to your thoughts marriage, children, house, cars loans for business, & all other typical financial responsibilities, etc etc things can become extremely complicated. Having a problem with his drug use given all of that in place will be way more mind blowing than the relatively clean & simple situation you are dealing with now.

As I said before this is your life. You have to do what you have to do. Make informed / intelligent choices.
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Old 04-23-2021, 07:21 PM
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Your story sounds very similar to mine in a couple ways. When you said he asked you to hold the marijuana for him but ended up coming back the next day with a second stash, that's definitely a red flag. My boyfriend of 2 years (now currently ex boyfriend), would ask me to hold his Xanax for him, trying to lower his intake, but he'd ask to keep a couple before I took them from him, and the next day he'd say, "I'm not asking for them back, I'm telling you to give them back to me." I've learned addicts are very good at using manipulation tactics to get what they want, even if they don't know they are doing it. And in turn that hurts us and breaks our trust with them once we learn it was manipulation. At first, it might've seemed like a good plan to have you in control of the marijuana and only give it to him when he'd ask you for it, but no one should ever put the person they love in that position (of giving them what's practically their poison, and then having you feel guilty for it.) I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by staying away from him for right now, and as long as you want and need to. I completely agree with what edoering said, that "the only things we can truly treat as truth are red flags. Everything else only time will tell." I completely understand missing him, and how much you love him, and you're worried you made the wrong decision ... but if your decision feels right for you at the moment, then it is. The overconfident phase is a very real thing that happens to addicts. Suddenly, they're struck with reality and end up going right back to their old habits, or even new ones. Only time will tell the truth about things ... I would hate for you to constantly feel trapped in that whirlwind of emotions and being brought down to his level when you could be working on that great business plan of yours and looking ahead to the future you've envisioned for yourself.
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Old 04-24-2021, 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
I totally understand that even after reading on here various opinions & possibly even totally agreeing with those opinions, one can still be confused & struggle to cope with the situation. I get it. If this was all easy to do - we would all be fine & there would be no need for this forum. There would not be thousands of individual stories posted here. Unfortunately this is not an easy situation.

I did the same with my addict as you are doing now. I tried to rationalize her crazy addict behavior telling myself its not all that bad is it. I was clearly in denial. It took a lot of time for me to understand & break free from my own denial.

You wrote above "But I could see no efforts of him stopping. He just threw away the weed every time we fought and then the next day bought another stash. It was a compulsion! (If he hadn't met me though, I believe that he would continue using till the end of his days. He didn't feel that his use was problematic, he found nothing inherently bad about it, he said that everyone did it.)"

So if he hadnt met you he would still be using till the end of his days. Our addicts dont stop because of us. They arent using drugs either because of us. They are using drugs because they have various unresolved mental issues which have nothing to do with us. Because of that they arent going to stop because of us. They might slow down and / or promise the world but in the end they are addicts & are thereby driven to use various drugs.
For us non-addicts its hard to understand this extreme need to get & stay high.

You also wrote: He didn't feel that his use was problematic, he found nothing inherently bad about it, he said that everyone did it. These are typical addict statements.

He doesnt have a problem. He doesnt think any of this is a problem. There is nothing inherently bad about it. Everyone does it. - Everyone does it I dont do you? You are the one with the problem not him. Same as me - she didnt have a problem I had the problem. Our addicts dont recover or stop abusing drugs until they fully recognize they have a major problem going on & actively choose to get structured professional help.
Yes, I don't think he recognises the extent of his actions. The fact that every friend of his did it, even occasionally, was normal to him. He had surrounded himself with a carefully picked social circle that all enabled each other. Now that I come to think of it, they weren't even his school mates or colleagues, they weren't in his immediate circle to begin with. All of them did it. Don't get me wrong, they were good people, supportive friends for both of us, smart and very fun to be with. I had no problem with them smoking weed, I know it is a way for many people to bond with each other and I have no problem with occasional use, even though I never partook. But their use seemed limited to once a week when they got together. His use however, was daily.

You are right, they are all driven towards substances and addiction. If it isn't weed, it will probably be something else. Cocaine use would be more frequent if it wasn't that expensive. And years down the line, it could be alcohol like his father which is more familiar, even though he said he couldn't stomach a lot of it. The body can be trained to tolerate more alcohol over time.

I think we are addicts in our own way. We love the way they make us feel, special and loved. But it all comes with a heavy price doesn't it? We are in as much denial as they are. I read all similar stories to mine and think for the loved ones "Get away from your addict, you are so young, you don't deserve a life like this, he is not changing", seeing everything clearly and yet when I think of my situation, I put on rose-tinted glasses.

He tried many times in the previous year to slowly cut down his use, because I told him it was affecting our life together, but every time he failed. He would somehow increase his use back to where it was before. He was unable to do it, because he didn't see the point of it. Now that his world is upside down, he finally came to realise his use was problematic and decided to stop, throwing away everything. Like I said, I think he will stick to it, because of his sacred oath to his dead father (stuff like this is very important to him, he takes all that seriously), but I am afraid that like you said, an addict is always an addict. Healthy coping mechanisms are not in place and I doubt he will starting changing them now, because he isn't following any structured recovery plan. He is just clean. Right now his coping mechanism is exercise which is good and healthy and I hope he keeps at it, but my gut tells me he is always after instant gratification and will always be drawn to it. That's not my jam. And that's why I believe he would probably never stop if it wasn't for me.

Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
If you go back with him the only way it will work is for you to totally accept that he is an addict & he will use drugs. Other wise you are most likely in for a very rough ride. Add in to your thoughts marriage, children, house, cars loans for business, & all other typical financial responsibilities, etc etc things can become extremely complicated. Having a problem with his drug use given all of that in place will be way more mind blowing than the relatively clean & simple situation you are dealing with now.

As I said before this is your life. You have to do what you have to do. Make informed / intelligent choices.
Yes, the way you put it (and the way it is, really), I will never accept he is an addict. I simply can't. My family raised me to never let the wolf of addiction inside the house and I agree with this value. Plus I will never forget that I quit everything when we made the decision to go to his hometown and now I am left with nothing. No friends, no routine, no job, no nothing. Living in my old teen bedroom, with my parents picking up the pieces. While he is building back his life in his comfort zone, with his friends and family to support him, his job with his brother to keep him busy. He is handling everything like a charm and I resent him for it. I never felt relief when we broke up, because like you said our situation was nice and clean, there were no serious consequences yet. Now I feel 10 times worse compared to when we were together. Sometimes I wish he wasn't that good of a partner apart from his addiction, so that it would be easier for me to let go.
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Old 04-24-2021, 02:19 AM
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Originally Posted by blue26 View Post
Your story sounds very similar to mine in a couple ways. When you said he asked you to hold the marijuana for him but ended up coming back the next day with a second stash, that's definitely a red flag. My boyfriend of 2 years (now currently ex boyfriend), would ask me to hold his Xanax for him, trying to lower his intake, but he'd ask to keep a couple before I took them from him, and the next day he'd say, "I'm not asking for them back, I'm telling you to give them back to me." I've learned addicts are very good at using manipulation tactics to get what they want, even if they don't know they are doing it. And in turn that hurts us and breaks our trust with them once we learn it was manipulation. At first, it might've seemed like a good plan to have you in control of the marijuana and only give it to him when he'd ask you for it, but no one should ever put the person they love in that position (of giving them what's practically their poison, and then having you feel guilty for it.) I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by staying away from him for right now, and as long as you want and need to. I completely agree with what edoering said, that "the only things we can truly treat as truth are red flags. Everything else only time will tell." I completely understand missing him, and how much you love him, and you're worried you made the wrong decision ... but if your decision feels right for you at the moment, then it is. The overconfident phase is a very real thing that happens to addicts. Suddenly, they're struck with reality and end up going right back to their old habits, or even new ones. Only time will tell the truth about things ... I would hate for you to constantly feel trapped in that whirlwind of emotions and being brought down to his level when you could be working on that great business plan of yours and looking ahead to the future you've envisioned for yourself.
Hey blue, I am sorry you are going through this as well. I agree, when he told me to keep his weed, all the bells rang in my head. It was a major red flag for me too. Like you said, noone should put their loved one in that position, giving them a feign idea of control and then making them feel guilty for that control. I never agreed to that, it felt wrong.
Unfortunately my decision doesn't feel right. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep, wishing it was all a dream, that I could go back to him and maybe handle the situation differently. I really truly feel like he was the love of my life and that I will regret my decision till I die. I don't know if I can deal with this. But at the same time, I know that the logical thing to do is stay away from him and not get further involved. I resent him for leaving me with nothing while he is out there building himself new. I am stuck in the past and the future with him and I don't even have the motivation to put my life in order. My dreams are shattered and I don't have the energy to make new ones.
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Old 04-26-2021, 08:43 AM
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"I think we are addicts in our own way. We love the way they make us feel, special and loved. But it all comes with a heavy price doesn't it?"

Yes I agree we get heavily caught up in our addicts crazy life. I agree we become addicted to them. Our minds become consumed by them & not in a good healthy constructive way. We do pay a heavy price for it. The longer the relationship goes on & the more complicated the situation becomes, the heavier the price we pay. Its all extremely destructive.

You wrote in response to Blue - " Yesterday I cried myself to sleep, wishing it was all a dream, that I could go back to him and maybe handle the situation differently. I really truly feel like he was the love of my life and that I will regret my decision till I die. I don't know if I can deal with this. But at the same time, I know that the logical thing to do is stay away from him and not get further involved. I resent him for leaving me with nothing while he is out there building himself new. I am stuck in the past and the future with him and I don't even have the motivation to put my life in order. My dreams are shattered and I don't have the energy to make new ones."

I could have written any or all of those words myself. Please dont think for a minute you are the only one to feel this way. You are not! I can honestly tell you that I no longer shed any tears for her. I no longer regret my decision to walk away. I know I did the right thing. The only dignity I had left was to walk away. I dont live in my past but I havent forgotten it either. My future will be formed by the daily choices I make in my life. One day at a time.

Long term addicts cant totally change quickly. It takes a long time for their brains & body to heal from long term drug abuse. For many, its a life long struggle. Even if they are sincere concerning recovery, possible relapse is never far away. How many do you think can successfully achieve recovery all on their own no professional help while surrounded by the same drug using friends. Realistically few.

You need to focus on you. Youve gotten way too wrapped up & lost in his life. Its all about him. What difference does it make what he is building or not building. After I left I had the same thoughts but in reality mine didnt build anything. All the never ending BS continued (and then some). What about you & how you feel?

Addiction isnt a wolf - its a mindless monster. I liken it to terminator. They have no feelings & never stop.
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