Hi Cali-
I heard such sadness in your post. My heart goes out to you.
I'm glad that you tried counselling. In my experience, you "click" with some counsellors, but not with others. If you didn't find that counsellor helpful, keep looking, OK? Just keep trying to find help.
I am very lucky that the counsellor I'm currently seeing is amazing, but I've had some mediocre counsellors in the past.
Another thing that I find really helpful is attending Al-anon meetings. I go to 2-3 meetings a week. Try it, and you will get a feeling that there are people who care about you, and who understand what you are going through.
Keep coming back
Robin