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feeling very alone and angry

Old 12-29-2005, 06:20 PM
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feeling very alone and angry

I have never done this before so if I ramble please try to bear with me... I just feel like I had no where else to turn. I am 22 and have lived with an alcoholic mother since I was 7 years old. I have just recently come to terms with her disease and feel extreme anger towards her that I hate myself for. I can not even be in the same room if she has been drinking and lash out even though I try not to. Last year I finally had the chance to break out on my own by transferring to a college far enough way to get out of the unhealthy environment I have called home for so long. I found out once I got there that things still were not right and I still felt extremely depressed. This year I have gotten a little better and went to a councelor a little while though it did not seem to help. I just do not know what to do when I come home for the holidays everything comes flooding back the pain the anger the depression. I feel like I should just get over this and I feel guilty that I can not. It slowly kills me to see how much worse my mother has gotten..she does not eat or spend time with me all she does is drink and throw up. I just want to somehow deal with all this pain and get her help even though I have told her a thousand times that her drinking bothers me she still will not do anything about it. I just feel I can not be the parent anymore and I am running out of energy fast...I just want to be a somewhat normal person and want a normal caring mother for once.. I also want a life of my own and to not feel so damn guilty about her problem even though she blames me for everything .I dont know who to turn to and how to make things right...I dont know how to make my father open up and realize that she has a problem and that it is not going to fix itself. I would just like to know my mother sober and figure out who the hell I really am for once in my life...the load on my back is getting too heavy to hold I feel I may just break...could someone please let me know how they have gotten through these tough times and the resources I could take advantage of..thanks
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Old 12-29-2005, 06:37 PM
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Go back to your counsellor & stick it out. It will help. At the age you are now I was referred to one of the top places in the UK for adolescent counselling & went only twice. I sat & cried most of the session & all the way home on the train. They wanted me to talk about things I didn't want to talk about & I couldn't take it.
I am now 41 & have been in counselling for over a year. We have talked about my parents & their fighting, drinking etc, lots about the crap relationships I have got into including my husband that I am desperate to leave - all sorts really. I was a shell - in the room in body but not in spirit - gradually I'm getting there & right now I'm ready to tell my husband to leave. My mum is still an alcoholic, when I was younger it was my dad that drank & used to beat her senseless. She took the if you can't beat them join them route & has really struggled for the last 20 years with her drinking.
You have to learn to look after you which means you have to talk about your feelings & what makes you what you are. I suffered eating disorders, violent boyfriends, an alocholic boyfriend 12 years older than me when I was your age - get help from the counsellor at college - stick with it - it hurts - but you can do it. You can always tell them they are going to fast/slow or makign you feel bad etc.
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Old 12-29-2005, 07:09 PM
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Kool, that your here. Al-Anon is a really fantastic program. My sponser is seven years into recovery and al-anon, al-ateen... If you have any questions. Good luck.
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Old 12-29-2005, 07:17 PM
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Looplou ...Thanks for ur reply...I was thinking of going to an al-anon meeting but have felt kind of ashamed to go...I too have had problems with eating disorders...I dunno if that is a product of alcoholic parents but I have never really admitted that to anyone.. I guess I never connected the two until now...I guess I just have to find a councelor I like and I am just frustrated cuz I feel like I am never going to be a normal person..and will never have a normal relationship or concept of myself...anyways im rambling...thanks alot for caring enough to leave advice and best of luck with all your problems
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Old 12-29-2005, 07:21 PM
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EVERYONE who has gone to Al-Anon has been through the same things as you have with your mom. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I think you will find it very comforting to be around people who have been where you are. Just remember, Al-Anon is there for you, not for you to learn how to help your mom (that was something that took me a little bit to figure out).

The more you concentrate on you, the more you will feel like a normal person. Just take it one day at a time. Don't try to look at the big picture right now. Things will fall in place as time allows.

ps...you can ramble here all you want.

WELCOME TO SOBERRECOVERY!!!
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Old 12-29-2005, 09:31 PM
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If I decided to go to the Alanon meetings is it more for people who spouses are alcoholics or is it a mixture of both spouses and family members?
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Old 12-29-2005, 09:36 PM
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hi fellow ohioan - my meeting is a mix. just try different ones til you find one that feels right for you. once you find one that "fits" you won't regret it!
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Old 12-29-2005, 09:56 PM
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Different meetings might have different people with different family members that are the addict. All kinds of people.
It is best to try at least 6 meetings, go to different ones around town and different nights, till you get the feel you belong. There is prob more Mom's and Dad's with sons or daughters that are the problem. but a lot of parents are a problem too.
We all understand any situation.
Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site. Keep coming back. Just posting here, typing it out even probably helped. You are not alone.
Al-Anon friends and a sponser will be a great help.
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Old 12-30-2005, 08:44 AM
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Hi Cali-
I heard such sadness in your post. My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad that you tried counselling. In my experience, you "click" with some counsellors, but not with others. If you didn't find that counsellor helpful, keep looking, OK? Just keep trying to find help.

I am very lucky that the counsellor I'm currently seeing is amazing, but I've had some mediocre counsellors in the past.

Another thing that I find really helpful is attending Al-anon meetings. I go to 2-3 meetings a week. Try it, and you will get a feeling that there are people who care about you, and who understand what you are going through.

Keep coming back

Robin
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Old 12-30-2005, 10:25 AM
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My meeting is a mix too....mostly family members (son's, daughters and adult children of alcoholics). But you will find that regardless of the situation, the tools you learn in Al-Anon will work for your situation....if you work it

I actually use some of the tools I learned in my day to day life with work and my kids....neither of which deal with alcoholics or addicts.

My husband is an alcoholic.
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Old 12-30-2005, 11:28 AM
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Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us!

Yeppers I know exactally how you feel... the first Alcoholic in my life was my mother. I had eating disorders, Problems figuring out who I was... and that was only after I thought to try to figure it out. I went to councelor and councelor till I was in my late 20s before I met the Therapist who actually really helped. My only advise on that is dont waste time with someone your not comfortable with and never give up trying.

You have to remember even if the people in Al-anon are mostly having issues with their spouses drinking.... more then 1/2 of those people come from a family where one or more of the parents also were Alcoholics. Seems that we keep choosing the same pattern or people until we start to get healthy ourselves. You will not feel out of place long after you get the courage to start attending and it has helped me out ALOT to be around people who REALLY do understand.

Im looking forward to getting to know you better, feel free to vent here anytime!
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Old 12-30-2005, 06:29 PM
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I just wanted to thank everyone for being so helpful and supportive....never being here I did not know what to expect but I am very greatful that I found a place like this. I never people I never met to be so warm and understanding...it gives me more hope for humanity in general and I thank u all for that... I decided once I go back to school to try what most of u suggested and go to an alanon meeting for at least 6 sessions... It was really helpful to hear what Jessica NJ said about going for myslef and not trying to help my mother because subconciously I think that is exactly what I was expecting...I guess I should try to focus more on me for now on..even though this pattern will be hard to break...thanks guys so much for your advice I am extremely greatful
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Old 12-31-2005, 12:20 PM
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Hi Cali,

On another note...if you're depressed, discuss medication with your counsellor. That combined with therapy and alanon should help tremendously.

The eating issue is a moot point at this stage in your life. Things happen in order. The time is right for you to take care of yourself in regard to your mother's problem. It will come together. I see it with my son who is recovering. His eating has been out of control the year he's been sober. But he's in therapy and on meds. The rest will follow.

Take care and be well.
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