All of you are completely right... Let me make some points here:
Ann:
You are right, I could never have control over his stash, plus I felt like I would be a police officer to him. He had no right to make me the one to control his addiction, as if I didn't know he could easily go to his friends and smoke there. It would be an illusion, like you said. And I realised that he was full of words. "Come back to me, we will build the perfect family, the perfect kids, the perfect jobs, come back and you will see. I will stop smoking once you become pregnant. I will never do it in front of our kids." etc. Words and mixed messages. One time he said he will never smoke again once kids come into the picture, the other time he said he would smoke, but never in front of them. I couldn't believe anything he said anymore, I think he said all the things I wanted to hear, but after a while they seemed fake. I am currently listening to the audiobook 'Codependent no more', like you mentioned. It's a whole new world for me, this discovery that I am codependent.
I am very sorry you have to go through that with your son... I think that this is even more difficult for you, because he is part of you literally. You don't have the option to just give up on him. Or I guess you do, but it would be incredibly heartbreaking. I hope everything works out for him. Life has its ups and downs, we have to learn to be happy with the small things and hope for the best.
Thank you for your support, truthfully. I feel like am not alone now.
HardLessons:
First of all, thank you for showing me the hard truths of the situation. Your comment has been the most helpful in my thought process.
One hard truth you pointed out, was the fact that he might have downplayed his drug using habits. Although I don't entirely think he did anything more than marijuana and cocaine, I believe he smoothed the hard edges of his addiction even in his own mind, he normalised it, so that he could go on not feeling shame and guilt. Like you said, it's a defence mechanism.
He really did bring me to his level. My family has never had anything to do with the law or the police, they have been model citizens. Once I started dating him, I joined his paranoia of thinking that the police is monitoring his phone, or that they have been watching his moves to see if he has weed on him, subtle stuff like that, that I wouldn't have to deal with normally. Sketchy stuff that I quickly began to normalise as well in my mind.
He did bring love to the table, if I'm being honest. Love and affection, sometimes security, I felt safe next to him when he was not using. Our core values matched, except from weed. However when it did come to major life decisions, I was the one to go the extra mile for our relationship. I stopped pursuing my PhD so that we could be together (although in hindsight it was a good decision for my life goals), I moved to the big city to be with him and then we moved to his hometown, even though I preferred to go to my hometown. Major life decisions that I didn't carefully think about, that's on me. But I always did it for us and always took care of my job security.
That paragraph where you describe your ex's letter, shook me, because I have also been the receiver of incredibly beautiful words. Especially when we haven't been loved deeply and truthfully by someone else in our lives and we have unresolved issues with ourselves, these words seem like a breath of fresh air to our ears. I think that addicts do mean those things in the moment. They are fully aware of them then. However, they don't recognise that their biggest love above everyone else is their drug and the thing that controls their actions.
I will continue distancing myself from him and stop feeling guilty, because my life is the one on the line right now and I have to take care of myself for once. Thank you so much for your support and I wish you a peaceful journey in your life.
Dee74:
Hello Dee74, thank you for your comment! Congratulations on quitting pot! You are very brave, it is never too late in life to change your ways if they don't serve you well! Indeed through reading many posts, I have come to realise the hell that is addiction and the understanding that this forum has on our troubles.
The sad truth is, that even though marijuana addicts think they are productive and that they would never put it before all their responsibilities, they actually DO, no matter how logically you explain it to them.
I truly hope he finds the willingness and strength in him to live without it, he is wasting his life and he doesn't even know it.