heartbroken123

Hello everyone,

I am new here (29 years old) and I really need to pour my heart out to someone who understands what I'm going through. I have a very supportive family, but I find that their views are limiting and are not helping me at the time being. I grew up in a very loving, secure and caring environment, their views on drugs and alcohol are very traditional, meaning 'Don't ever get involved with them'.

About 3 weeks ago I broke up with my 32 year old boyfriend of 2 years. He was the most loving, strong, smart, charismatic, funny man I've ever met in my life and I immediately fell in love with him. We decided to move in together 5 months into our relationship and we realised we were very compatible, we loved the company of each other, we were very supportive of each other, it was a dream seriously. We both had good jobs, we were doing ok financially. We thought we were made for each other, that we were one. We even began planning our future together, with kids and everything. He is the first guy I deeply loved and cared for, the first one to respect me and love me as I am (a highly emotional, empathic, and as I've now come to realise after a lot of reading, maybe a codependent person).
However he smoked marijuana daily, every night after he came back from work, on weekends after 2pm... I met him like that, but in the beginning I chose to brush it off, I though it was something many people do nowadays. I said to myself that he will stop once we move out from this stressful city and go somewhere more peaceful. He also drove when he was high, claiming he had full control of himself and that he would never get caught with weed on him if the police checked him. And that even if they did, he would not get arrested for such a small amount. He had also used cocaine a few times in his life, but very occasionally. I voiced my concerns many times, especially after the first year and he was always positive and agreeing he would stop and that it was doing him no good in the long run. He had been smoking consistently since he was 18 years old when he moved away from his parents. Also, I realise it was a coping mechanism for him when his dad died when he was 24. I don't think he has ever stopped since or he had ever thought of stopping until he met me. The truth is, now that I see it all from afar, he also seemed a bit unmotivated. Yes, he had big dreams for his life, but it seemed to all stay in words, not in actions. He would never go to the super market, rarely clean the house or cook. I would be the one to pay the bills (although we both put equal money aside for that), cook, clean and have all the household responsibilities, even though during the last year he had been let off of his job due to COVID. I knew I would eventually be the primary breadwinner of our house because his kind of job is very competitive and has no rewarding future in my country. But we also wanted to do our own thing by opening our own shop and office respectively and maybe if his office didn't work out, we would both work in my shop and keep the family going (I would borrow money from my parents to open the shop).
We soon began planning our great escape from the big city to his hometown to open our businesses where the conditions were more fruitful. I said to him though that if we were going there, he would have to stop using marijuana, because: 1. I didn't want it to be known in such a small community that he was smoking an illegal substance. It would bring chaos to our businesses, destroy our reputation, we would never attract customers and economic problems would ensue. 2. I didn't want the father of our children to be a stoner. I wanted him to have equal responsibilities, to teach our children the same values, to be clear minded, 3. I was afraid he was going to get caught, be in a car accident, that he would be too high to drive me or his mother to a hospital in an emergency etc. He agreed once again and said he would make an effort to stop because he wanted it for HIMSELF first of all and then for our future.
And so, feeling I was heard, we moved to his hometown. There I had no friends, but we had his friends, that was enough, I thought. We were having fun and I liked them, however they were also using marijuana, some of them consistently like him. He never stopped. He continued using like before, manically searching for it and texting his friends in search for it when the evening was approaching. I was incredibly stressed what with the new environment, new job and the stress of him not stopping and feeling insecure. At this point I have to also say that I am very introverted and suffer from social anxiety. I had this primal instinct of escaping, that I was doing my life no good and that I was heading to a cliff. 2 weeks after moving there, we started fighting every other day and I always started it. I told him I felt very stressed, that I was going to borrow money from my parents to open a shop that I didn't know if it was going to be successful, that with him using he was jeopardising my reputation and thus the success of my business and his office, that he was risking our future, that he was signing the failure of our future. He agreed every time and said he would minimise his use until he stopped, he offered I take hold of his weed and he would ask me anytime he wanted to do a joint, he said he would never bring home more than a joint at a time etc. We would always make up after that, but my worries remained and he complained that he could not live a life with so many fights, because of my stress and that I had to bring it under control. Our last week together, we had a fight about weed again because I saw he had a small stash to pass the week and felt betrayed, so he threw it out and promised he would never bring so much weed home again. After another big fight 2 days later where I refused to go meet his cousins (it was the second time I was standing them up), because I felt so much pressure, social anxiety and depression, he went there and after came back angry and sad at our previous fight and said that I should never do that to him again. I said sorry and promised to try harder to adjust to our new life and he accepted my apology. However, the same night, I realised he had brought home another stash of weed and felt so hurt... Because I didn't want to cause another fight, I let that pass again... His brother came and did weed together as if nothing had happened, as if we had never said anything about it. Until 2 days later when another wave of anxiety hit me and we started fighting about both weed and my stress and social anxiety, it was then that I threatened to leave, because I had nothing else to give to this relationship. On that final fight, his mother also intervened which was the final straw. I called my parents (who loved my ex and thought he was very responsible, although they didn't know his addiction problem) and told them the whole truth and as you can imagine they advised me to leave him immediately, which I did that same day. And then, when I started gathering my things he sweared on the grave of his father that he would stop. It was a very sacred oath for him, but it still wasn't enough, I still left and now I am having second thoughts... I am now back living with my parents, with no job and every day thinking about him and my choice. I have no motivation to do anything productive...

It crushed him and me, I've never seem him like and my last images of him crying his eyes out will haunt me forever. I feel empty now inside. We contacted a few times, he accused me of not being serious enough about the relationship, of not supporting him in his difficult time. That if he was in my place, if I was blind or one-legged, he would be there for me regardless. That his love is unconditional, that mine isn't. What he said hurt me like nothing else. I told him I was weak, I could not support him anymore, I had nothing more to give, but that he was also unfair, I deeply loved him. It has been 3 weeks now and he said he hasn't smoked since, that the oath he made is the most sacred thing in his life, that even the smell of weed nauseates him and it is impossible for him to use again. He promises he has stopped and it is going to be long term, that he is focusing on his job and that he wants to be the father he and I always wanted to be for our future children. He even said he is willing to move to my hometown if I want him and he will be going back and forth to his hometown for his office. Our texts confused me more so I decided to go no contact. I am an emotional wreck. I've confided in my parents the fact that I miss him and love him and that I regret my decision. I know he is very strong emotionally and capable of quitting, he even swore on his dead father. But they say that he is an addict of many years, it is what his father was (I think he was an alcoholic even though my ex never recognised that), all his friends use and if I go back to him, I will have a noose around my neck. This shook me, but I love him, I have faith in him, I miss him, not just our moments together. Plus I feel guilty for not trying hard enough, I feel I had more in me and that it was maybe a spur of the moment decision. But I won't have the support of my parents in this decision, they don't want him, they don't believe he can change. They think that my life is salvageable still, but if I make that choice, it will be the end of me.

Since then, I am trapped in a whirlwind of emotions... I can't stop thinking about him. I am sorry for the long essay, I am very heartbroken and have so many doubts. Any input is welcome.