lessgravity

Thought I might spend a little time tonight looking through my many old posts, recalling the life of suffering and pain I put myself through before finally getting permanently sober three years ago. But then I came on SR tonight and just didn't want to.

What I want to say is that three years ago my life was teetering on the edge of some very, very dark waters. Without going into tawdry and shameful details, I was just scraping by without major self-imposed tragedy striking down me, or someone I loved. But I had reached that later stage of this hideous habit where my life was merely the anxious time between benders - everything, my health, career, family, friends, spirit, psyche, bank account, liver - every single thing was prostrated before the altar of booze. On a daily, moment to moment basis, I was sacrificing every thing of meaning and value to my relationship with the bottle. My wife didn't trust me, my son didn't trust me and, most crucially, I did not trust my self.

Many of you here have been with me on this path - many on the path at the same place as me, many have aided me in this journey and many others here are still fighting for their own lives - I am grateful in ways I cannot fully express for all of you that make SR what it is. I did the work myself, but this place gave me the footing, the hope, wisdom, advice and lifeline that helped me to finally free myself from the brutal yoke of addiction. Thank you all so much.

And, like many here, I am now an example to those of you still struggling to put the poison down for good. In just three years, all the meaningful and valuable aspects of my life that I had neglected, betrayed, injured and ignored are mine again. In many cases, they are mine for the first time. Career, health, spirit psyche and everything in between. My wife trusts me, I am an example to my children and, most crucially, I finally, finally trust my self with all of my being.

I quoted myself in my post title because it's a way of thinking that was my mantra in early sobriety. It's not meant to nihilistic or negative. It's just a reminder that tomorrow is not promised, that all we need to triumph over the booze is always already within us. It's a phrase I still utter at times to myself and it invigorates me. I am responsible for me, without excuse or blame.

Getting and staying sober takes work. There are days and weeks and even months of just chopping wood, carrying water. And life is still rife with accidents and tragedy. I am still very, very much a work in progress with insecurities, habits and obstacles accumulated during a life of drinking that I have to work on every day. But I am free. My life is fully, completely mine. I am untethered and unbroken. Sober as a mfking bird. Thanks for listening as always.