Hey Sticky. I understand. And I agree with BABM that making a decision about whether to exit a relationship is gut-wrenching, particularly when there are children involved. I don't think it would've made a difference for me, but your story brings to mind that the communication patterns between me and my spouse never changed. I was just too immature, he was just too immature. We didn't know how to have a disagreement that focused on resolution. I was all about feeling hurt; he was all about feeling defensive. I thought if he just understood me, his behavior would change. He seemed to think that if I would just stop talking about feeling so hurt, there would be no problem.
Counseling didn't work for us, but by the time we got there it was too late. I do think that if you are both willing to try to salvage this thing, counseling could help you to find a different way to communicate with each other. Old patterns are really, really hard to break; more so when the patterns are shared by two people in a long relationship, right?
I do think we have the major part of responsibility for trying to clean up the wreckage in these early times. Regardless of what anyone else did, we created a huge mess. Being grown involves owning that, acting and speaking right, and refraining from pointing a finger at others.
I hope that doesn't sound preachy. It's sincerely how I see it now.
O