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Getting better but things getting worse

Old 03-23-2021, 08:38 AM
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Getting better but things getting worse

Today I work on day 313,

I do understand that every relationship has its ups and downs. But there has been alot of downs as I became sober with in my life. I'm not saying that things will get better if I start using again. Now that I am sober I realized that alot of the times I used was to drown out these problems. Most of of them being with my spouse. The good times that we do have is great and I know alot of it has to do with my new outlook on life. But with recovery has also come healthy boundaries. And I am working on keeping these boundaries. But when does this love and compassion become a problem when the people you share with are taking advantage? At this time I'm really considering divorce I have been over the years but my addiction has made the mental abuse from her tolerable because I blamed myself for most cause of my addiction. I love myself and shouldn't have the person I love do this.
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Old 03-23-2021, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by stickyone View Post
Now that I am sober I realized that alot of the times I used was to drown out these problems. .
I think that's pretty universal for us as addicts, and the unfortunate reality is that the problems never go away - they just wait for us to address them.

Regarding your relationship, how have you addressed it thus far? Have you had any conversations with your spouse that it is indeed a problem that you'd like to solve? If you both do want to solve it and can't on your own, certainly brining in a third party ( counseling, etc ) is an option. Very likely you will both need to make significant change and concessions to make things work, so you'll have to decide if that's what you really want.
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Old 03-23-2021, 09:30 AM
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Quite a different tone here than in your Valentine's Day post. What happened.
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Old 03-23-2021, 09:31 AM
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I agree with Scott. You could try couples counselling if you are both open to that. It could be helpful. Have you had a specific conversation with your wife about the mental abuse you feel? If so, and she doesn't see a need to change, then that's something you might have to accept.
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Old 03-23-2021, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Quite a different tone here than in your Valentine's Day post. What happened.
Yeah not to crap on that day but those are the good days. I should start posting more lately I've been dealing with alot of problems and been trying to find a balance. I do understand that people around the world are also going through alot even more. At one point I was feeling like a complainer and making it out that I'm always the victim of my problems and any other. So I wasn't posting so much I didn't want to be that person or cry baby oh she did this she did that. I know realize it is not a sign of weakness but strength to reach out.

And for divorce it's an option. In recovery we must put ourselves first so everything thing we love and care for won't come last. I will not let my children grow up like this.
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Old 03-23-2021, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I agree with Scott. You could try couples counselling if you are both open to that. It could be helpful. Have you had a specific conversation with your wife about the mental abuse you feel? If so, and she doesn't see a need to change, then that's something you might have to accept.
Had many conversations about it. People have different ways of coping mines was abusing my prescription opiates. As you know Anna I haven't drank alcohol or did any illegal recreational drugs in 8 years. Today is day 313 off opiates and commitment to myself and my recovery. Its been brought up many times and she has never followed through. Her coing skills it shopping social media . ihave been to multiple doctors helping me over the years. She has been one for OCD and didn't like what he said and the end.
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Old 03-23-2021, 10:48 AM
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hello , I don’t have advice at this time as I'm pretty new here, but I just wanted to say I feel for you. I realize I have been also using to cope with a relationship. It's a very tough situation to believe you can leave and start over when you also feel like the bad guy for using.
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Old 03-23-2021, 10:52 AM
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When I read your post, Stickyone, it made me think of my good male friend who abuses alcohol. He told me once that he started self medicating when things started going bad with his long term gf (now ex). That she had no empathy, always did her own thing, was controlling (when I talked to her she called him “my Jeff”).
My ex husband was narcissistic and alcoholic so I’ve done a lot of reading about narcissism. Based on things I’ve read, my friends ex-gf also sounds narcissistic. And I’ve read that many men cope with this by drinking. Because it is hard for men to admit the control and abuse done by a narcissistic woman.
I think you maybe are seeing the reality of her? And what it has done to you over the years?
I wish my friend was open to talk about it. I think he blames himself. But I see the pattern of why he chose this woman. He just can’t get himself out of the pain and heal from what happened in that toxic relationship. “They” say it is harder to heal from relationships with narcissists, especially for men.
Not sure if this is your situation, but if it sounds familiar maybe research female narcissism and how men cope and heal.
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Old 03-23-2021, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by stickyone View Post
She has been one for OCD and didn't like what he said and the end.
And this rings sooooooo true with my narcissistic ex. After I found out he had an affair, he said he wanted to go to counseling. First session he told counselor about affair. Second session he told her about his drinking and she told him he was teaching his kids to be alcoholics. He never went back.
And we went to about 6 couples counseling sessions and he said he wouldn’t go anymore because “he” wasn’t getting anything out of it!!! Huh?!?!? He was the narcissistic alcoholic who had an affair and I was destroyed but HE wasn’t getting anything out of it?!?!
So again, what you wrote strikes a chord with me re: narcissism.
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Old 03-23-2021, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Freshstart1111 View Post
When I read your post, Stickyone, it made me think of my good male friend who abuses alcohol. He told me once that he started self medicating when things started going bad with his long term gf (now ex). That she had no empathy, always did her own thing, was controlling (when I talked to her she called him “my Jeff”).
My ex husband was narcissistic and alcoholic so I’ve done a lot of reading about narcissism. Based on things I’ve read, my friends ex-gf also sounds narcissistic. And I’ve read that many men cope with this by drinking. Because it is hard for men to admit the control and abuse done by a narcissistic woman.
I think you maybe are seeing the reality of her? And what it has done to you over the years?
I wish my friend was open to talk about it. I think he blames himself. But I see the pattern of why he chose this woman. He just can’t get himself out of the pain and heal from what happened in that toxic relationship. “They” say it is harder to heal from relationships with narcissists, especially for men.
Not sure if this is your situation, but if it sounds familiar maybe research female narcissism and how men cope and heal.
Originally Posted by Freshstart1111 View Post
And this rings sooooooo true with my narcissistic ex. After I found out he had an affair, he said he wanted to go to counseling. First session he told counselor about affair. Second session he told her about his drinking and she told him he was teaching his kids to be alcoholics. He never went back.
And we went to about 6 couples counseling sessions and he said he wouldn’t go anymore because “he” wasn’t getting anything out of it!!! Huh?!?!? He was the narcissistic alcoholic who had an affair and I was destroyed but HE wasn’t getting anything out of it?!?!
So again, what you wrote strikes a chord with me re: narcissism.
Thank you for the response. This really made sense to me. I knew she was but I loved her and dealt with it over the years. I can keep going to snow ball and complain more. But I'll focus on what I can do for myself.

This all started yesterday when I had returned home from work. I told her that my niece needed to take the covid-19 testing because a friend tested positive. Then the storm came wife days I was there I just dropped off some stuff. I told her that was over 3 weeks ago. My niece just found out today and her friend had given her a call. She began yelling your dirty ass family I'm going to get sick WTH did this come from.

I replied back calmly okay but me and our kids was there 2 weeks ago and no one has showed signs of covid-19. I went online with my doctor to go over the check list of symptoms and time line which recommended 2 week monitor for symptoms. Which we were way pass.

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Old 03-23-2021, 11:32 AM
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Sticky, I lived a long time in a marriage that I was not happy in. Not that she was not a bad person, I just wasn't happy. I also numbed my discontent a lot with substances. Again, not her FAULT, but my coping mechanism was garbage. I am a codependent so the thought of ending the relationship, especially since we had children, was something I could never go through with. Finally, she went through a little mid-life crisis and changed quite a bit and decided our marriage didn't work for her, and she ended it. THANK GOD. Not that I'm so happy now, but I am no longer in that pointless and meaningless relationship. My subsequent relationships, outside of one that I destroyed with my substance abuse, have been awful. But still in many ways better than the apathetic existence I was living through. I am grateful she left. I'm not sure if I ever would have.

Sobriety changes a person. And changes the relationships we have with others. We can look for blame and for reasons why. Some of those answers will come, some will not. I'm not sure if answers are necessary. We have to be selfish in this phase of our recovery. We are responsible for our own happiness and contentment. We are evolving and growing. We have different thresholds. We have different needs. We have different wants. Many relationships suffer once substances are removed - what a dark irony.

I went through marriage counseling, I found it to be a farce, especially since she wasn't even really trying.

In the end, I had to learn to first be happy by myself. As a separate entity. This is the phase I'm in now. And I'm trying to figure out what I would look for in another partner. But I am not sure what that is, so I am in a hold pattern. I used to rush into relationships because as a co-dependent, I felt defined by the person I was with. I am growing and hopefully leaving that behind. But I digress.

I don't have advice per se, just sharing my thoughts.
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Old 03-23-2021, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by stickyone View Post
Had many conversations about it. People have different ways of coping mines was abusing my prescription opiates. As you know Anna I haven't drank alcohol or did any illegal recreational drugs in 8 years. Today is day 313 off opiates and commitment to myself and my recovery. Its been brought up many times and she has never followed through. Her coing skills it shopping social media . ihave been to multiple doctors helping me over the years. She has been one for OCD and didn't like what he said and the end.
I am sure it's a very difficult position to be in. It's nigh impossible for us to change the behaviors of others, or even know "why" they do what they do - it's hard enough for us to change our own behaviors/habits.

Is she aware that your intentions ( or at least your thoughts ) are to consider divorce as a real option? It seems to me that you are asking for advice on that particular topic. You are doing a lot of good things to help yourself on the addiction front for certain, and congratulations on your continued sobriety. But on the relationship front, perhaps it's time to take all those issues off the back shelf and put them right on the front burner so to speak. That might have to take place via a third party if your relationship is too contentious, but you have to get the issue out there on the table before you can solve it.
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Old 03-23-2021, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by BeABetterMan View Post
Sticky, I lived a long time in a marriage that I was not happy in. Not that she was not a bad person, I just wasn't happy. I also numbed my discontent a lot with substances. Again, not her FAULT, but my coping mechanism was garbage. I am a codependent so the thought of ending the relationship, especially since we had children, was something I could never go through with. Finally, she went through a little mid-life crisis and changed quite a bit and decided our marriage didn't work for her, and she ended it. THANK GOD. Not that I'm so happy now, but I am no longer in that pointless and meaningless relationship. My subsequent relationships, outside of one that I destroyed with my substance abuse, have been awful. But still in many ways better than the apathetic existence I was living through. I am grateful she left. I'm not sure if I ever would have.

Sobriety changes a person. And changes the relationships we have with others. We can look for blame and for reasons why. Some of those answers will come, some will not. I'm not sure if answers are necessary. We have to be selfish in this phase of our recovery. We are responsible for our own happiness and contentment. We are evolving and growing. We have different thresholds. We have different needs. We have different wants. Many relationships suffer once substances are removed - what a dark irony.

I went through marriage counseling, I found it to be a farce, especially since she wasn't even really trying.

In the end, I had to learn to first be happy by myself. As a separate entity. This is the phase I'm in now. And I'm trying to figure out what I would look for in another partner. But I am not sure what that is, so I am in a hold pattern. I used to rush into relationships because as a co-dependent, I felt defined by the person I was with. I am growing and hopefully leaving that behind. But I digress.

I don't have advice per se, just sharing my thoughts.
Hey BABM

Thanks for sharing this has really brought some insight on my current situation. I can understand that she will not even try in the marriage counseling. Maybe it will take time. Divorce is a word that should not be thrown around I'm front of the kids. Which I did I was so fed up at that time. My oldest was there I spent time trying to explain it in the best way possible. I just got to keep focus on my recovery and I'm sure I'll will come up with a solution or not but I will grow from it.
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Old 03-23-2021, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
I am sure it's a very difficult position to be in. It's nigh impossible for us to change the behaviors of others, or even know "why" they do what they do - it's hard enough for us to change our own behaviors/habits.

Is she aware that your intentions ( or at least your thoughts ) are to consider divorce as a real option? It seems to me that you are asking for advice on that particular topic. You are doing a lot of good things to help yourself on the addiction front for certain, and congratulations on your continued sobriety. But on the relationship front, perhaps it's time to take all those issues off the back shelf and put them right on the front burner so to speak. That might have to take place via a third party if your relationship is too contentious, but you have to get the issue out there on the table before you can solve it.
Yes the problems don't go away when you get sober they are still there. But yes my addiction put it in the back burner and now it's up front I'm feeling the heat. 313 days is a good start. But I know there is alot more work and growing too do. Not trying to erase the past but doing the best I can today to ensure a better future.
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Old 03-23-2021, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by stickyone View Post
Hey BABM

Thanks for sharing this has really brought some insight on my current situation. I can understand that she will not even try in the marriage counseling. Maybe it will take time. Divorce is a word that should not be thrown around I'm front of the kids. Which I did I was so fed up at that time. My oldest was there I spent time trying to explain it in the best way possible. I just got to keep focus on my recovery and I'm sure I'll will come up with a solution or not but I will grow from it.
Trying to decide what to do can be agonizing. For me, I have to remember that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. You're doing the right thing by bouncing your feeling and thoughts off of other people who you trust. If you are close to your family, that might be a good resource. Also, individual counseling might help if you can find a therapist you respect/trust. You are growing as a man. But you are also uncovering new and foreign feelings. It is usually advised that a recovering addict make no big decisions in the first year of sobriety. You are approaching that milestone. So it's not like you're being hasty. I think you are doing the right things Sticky.
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Old 03-23-2021, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by BeABetterMan View Post
Trying to decide what to do can be agonizing. For me, I have to remember that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. You're doing the right thing by bouncing your feeling and thoughts off of other people who you trust. If you are close to your family, that might be a good resource. Also, individual counseling might help if you can find a therapist you respect/trust. You are growing as a man. But you are also uncovering new and foreign feelings. It is usually advised that a recovering addict make no big decisions in the first year of sobriety. You are approaching that milestone. So it's not like you're being hasty. I think you are doing the right things Sticky.
I try to take all factors in consideration including taking responsibility for my actions in the past. That has also impact our marriage with alot of negativity. With covid19 it has affected alot of people mentally and even though she is not in recovery. I know it's affecting her mental health but she isn't finding a solution or a way of coping with it.. So things are getting alot worse in my opinion . Things are hard but when is it not , if it was easy everyone would be doing whatever. What I'm trying to say is am I waving the white flag trying to surrender and quit too soon. Maybe there is more growing I can do if I keep going forward for the both of us. And the other side says do you keep taking a emotionally beating as and outlet for her coping? I say hell no. My recovery and my physical and mental health must come first.
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Old 03-23-2021, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by stickyone View Post
Maybe there is more growing I can do if I keep going forward for the both of us. And the other side says do you keep taking a emotionally beating as and outlet for her coping? I say hell no. My recovery and my physical and mental health must come first.
You can only grow for yourself. You can’t do it for her. Just like a partner can’t change an alcoholic until the alcoholic is ready. If she is a narcissist, they don’t typically have the ability to look at themselves, which I think you know. You can’t be putting in all the effort and getting nothing, or worse, emotional abuse in return. That is not healthy for you. And you seem like a guy whose mental health is very important to him.
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Old 03-24-2021, 06:13 PM
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have noticed unhealthy patterns in my life that have little or nothing to do with me since becoming sober. Stuff exists in my relationship separate from SUD, which I wasn’t really expecting because I was used to being “the problem child.” You used the word abuse and I just wanted to point out that in relationships that are abusive, couple counseling is contraindicated because it isn’t about the relationship, it is about the person who is being abusive.
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Old 03-29-2021, 12:47 PM
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Thank you everyone for the great responses. Today I work on day 319 of recovery. I had to take some time to process everything. After reading my post I see and reconize that i started blaming or pointing the finger again. Not to say I should be fine with the way I feel like I'm being treated during hard times. But I had to look at myself and take responsibility for my actions that I have contributed to this toxic parts of my marriage. Not to blame myself but to improve and grow. I take responsibility for abusing my prescription medication instead of working and communicating with my wife. I had a major part aswell for the distance in communication. I can't change the past but it is my control to continue recovery day by day.
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Old 03-29-2021, 02:26 PM
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Hey Sticky. I understand. And I agree with BABM that making a decision about whether to exit a relationship is gut-wrenching, particularly when there are children involved. I don't think it would've made a difference for me, but your story brings to mind that the communication patterns between me and my spouse never changed. I was just too immature, he was just too immature. We didn't know how to have a disagreement that focused on resolution. I was all about feeling hurt; he was all about feeling defensive. I thought if he just understood me, his behavior would change. He seemed to think that if I would just stop talking about feeling so hurt, there would be no problem.

Counseling didn't work for us, but by the time we got there it was too late. I do think that if you are both willing to try to salvage this thing, counseling could help you to find a different way to communicate with each other. Old patterns are really, really hard to break; more so when the patterns are shared by two people in a long relationship, right?

I do think we have the major part of responsibility for trying to clean up the wreckage in these early times. Regardless of what anyone else did, we created a huge mess. Being grown involves owning that, acting and speaking right, and refraining from pointing a finger at others.

I hope that doesn't sound preachy. It's sincerely how I see it now.

O
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