Have you seen memes with this message or similar?
"Dear [insert drug of choice], we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the tape. We need to talk."
I shot wine out of my nose laughing the first time I read that. But I also remember thinking, 'But I AM funnier and smarter when I'm drinking! I like myself better drunk than sober!'
But I think you're right - it's just a smoke screen that our addictive voice used to keep us using. I hope your roller coaster levels out or that it gets easier to ride. I'm willing to bet that through the ride you'll be learning more and more about who you are in your sober life and will begin to really love yourself before too long. Hang in there!!