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Old 03-24-2021, 06:23 PM
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Arrow checking in

Hi all - it's been a few days since I last posted so thought I'd just post now. I've been riding the rollercoaster of new sobriety and finding it OK, overwhelming, impossible, easy, great, awful and everything else.

I feel like it's been SO LONG. Since I was my sober self. I've taken a little time off work for now (back next Monday with reduced hours) but I realise that I will probably want to switch professions for the long term.

It's weird, I feel like sometimes my self esteem is so low. And then I wonder was alcohol really boosting my self esteem?? I don't think so. Merely providing a smoke screen perhaps? So odd. That I could be healthier now and working towards a better life and somehow have less self esteem than before?

I'm working really hard on not just jumping off the deep end with my emotions, however I am a bit all over the shop. I guess that might come with time?

I feel a strong feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I wonder if this improves a little at a time as sober time goes on?

Anxiety is, at times, through the roof for me. But then it's also gone at other times. I really feel like I'm on a roller coaster.

Anyway, thanks for reading.
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Old 03-24-2021, 06:40 PM
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Actually just noticed work is now really pressuring me. They keep adding things to my diary which inevitably push me over hours. I cannot see this working. Feeling incredibly stressed with this added pressure :S
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Old 03-24-2021, 07:51 PM
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I went through the roller coaster of emotions in early sobriety as well. Over time, as my sober time improved I also regained back honest to goodness confidence. Alcohol gave me mostly low self esteem but I did have bouts of super confidence, but it wasn’t real. I think your description of smoke screen sums up my experience. I also found my anxiety significantly decreased the longer I was sober. So yes it will get better. I’m able to handle curveballs better. I’m also better able to set boundaries. If work is piling unreasonable load on you, I’m wondering if you can set a priority of what has to be done, what can possibly wait, etc. I’m rooting for you!
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Old 03-25-2021, 05:39 AM
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I can identify with all that you have said.

I did not know who I was in alcoholism. I had an idea of who I wanted to be. I could not make that work when I was actively drinking. My thoughts can really be my enemy at times. I told myself when getting sober that I needed to stay the course and see it through. Find out what makes Mizz. Listen to my inner self and find my truth. I was up and down and all over the map for quite awhile. Almost 6 months in sobriety, this go round, and its like night and day. Ive truly found balance. Boundaries. Confidence. A knowing. A steady road.

Time is the key here. You will find yourself again. There will be a leveling. Boundaries will be in place. It takes one foot in front of the other and knowing that you are doing the right thing for yourself. You got this. The work thing sounds a bit overwhelming and perhaps you may just find something else that fits you better.
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Old 03-25-2021, 06:35 AM
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Taking alcohol out of your life is a big change. Some people seem to quit and that's all there's to it, but then many people don't tell you all that's going on inside. There is no reason why you shouldn't be on a roller coaster right now. Sobriety is a big change to an alcoholic. And early on, your alcoholic voice is shouting at you not to get sober. Part of you (your alcoholic voice) doesn't want to change. It wants to return to the familiar. The familiar for an alcoholic is a dark and self defeating place, but it is familiar. At least you know what to expect, even if you don't like it.
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Old 03-25-2021, 06:46 AM
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Have you seen memes with this message or similar?

"Dear [insert drug of choice], we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the tape. We need to talk."

I shot wine out of my nose laughing the first time I read that. But I also remember thinking, 'But I AM funnier and smarter when I'm drinking! I like myself better drunk than sober!'

But I think you're right - it's just a smoke screen that our addictive voice used to keep us using. I hope your roller coaster levels out or that it gets easier to ride. I'm willing to bet that through the ride you'll be learning more and more about who you are in your sober life and will begin to really love yourself before too long. Hang in there!!
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