Yup.
Ambivalence ranks right up there on self-induced mental torture. Not least of which because we don't choose to torture ourselves - addiction takes over and does that for us. At least for me, it seemed like I was only along for the ride through this terrifying haunted house, even though I was the one who got back in that rusty car every single time.
I feel for ya. It's a rotten state to be in.