When I read your post, Stickyone, it made me think of my good male friend who abuses alcohol. He told me once that he started self medicating when things started going bad with his long term gf (now ex). That she had no empathy, always did her own thing, was controlling (when I talked to her she called him “my Jeff”).
My ex husband was narcissistic and alcoholic so I’ve done a lot of reading about narcissism. Based on things I’ve read, my friends ex-gf also sounds narcissistic. And I’ve read that many men cope with this by drinking. Because it is hard for men to admit the control and abuse done by a narcissistic woman.
I think you maybe are seeing the reality of her? And what it has done to you over the years?
I wish my friend was open to talk about it. I think he blames himself. But I see the pattern of why he chose this woman. He just can’t get himself out of the pain and heal from what happened in that toxic relationship. “They” say it is harder to heal from relationships with narcissists, especially for men.
Not sure if this is your situation, but if it sounds familiar maybe research female narcissism and how men cope and heal.