FreeOwl

This thread isn't regret, so I'll start there. The last couple of mornings I've greeted the day with a little sense of melancholy. I've come to learn and accept that's part of being Human, at least for me. It's not something I run from anymore, but sort of observe and allow to Be without getting too wrapped up in it.

But this morning as I slowly poured the kettle over the coffee grounds and gazed into the steaming, gleaming bubbles the thought occurred to me how much I likely missed, all those years of 'high functioning' alcoholism and drug use. Along the way I told myself things like "life is for living" and "this IS how you live life.... you live it in all different ways! Experiences!!!". Through the hangovers and the blackouts, the recovery from benders and raves and whatever else. The reality I know now is that I was living in a heavily-imbalanced and negatively-skewed pseudo-life.

Today, from the frame of a man with 2,637 days of sobriety.... from the frame of reference of being once-again clean and free of cannabis... as I enjoy every sunrise over the past 14 days..... as I witness my own presence in my life and the degrees to which I am truly so much more "High Functioning" than ever I was on drugs or alcohol - I can only admit that there was a great sacrifice in all those years.

I share that here not as lament, but as a voice from someone's future. Someone who may read these words and in some small way these words may help them salvage even ONE more day than they otherwise may have.

I'm really tired this morning.... my night was full of dreams so vivid and engaging I don't feel I slept at all! So I'll sip this last remaining drug of choice - coffee - and ponder whether even that is getting in my way.

Whoever you are, wherever you are.... Have a beautiful, sober, drug-free day you incredible, lovable, soul of joy. Keep at it!