Notices

If Only I Had.....

Old 03-18-2021, 03:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
If Only I Had.....

This thread isn't regret, so I'll start there. The last couple of mornings I've greeted the day with a little sense of melancholy. I've come to learn and accept that's part of being Human, at least for me. It's not something I run from anymore, but sort of observe and allow to Be without getting too wrapped up in it.

But this morning as I slowly poured the kettle over the coffee grounds and gazed into the steaming, gleaming bubbles the thought occurred to me how much I likely missed, all those years of 'high functioning' alcoholism and drug use. Along the way I told myself things like "life is for living" and "this IS how you live life.... you live it in all different ways! Experiences!!!". Through the hangovers and the blackouts, the recovery from benders and raves and whatever else. The reality I know now is that I was living in a heavily-imbalanced and negatively-skewed pseudo-life.

Today, from the frame of a man with 2,637 days of sobriety.... from the frame of reference of being once-again clean and free of cannabis... as I enjoy every sunrise over the past 14 days..... as I witness my own presence in my life and the degrees to which I am truly so much more "High Functioning" than ever I was on drugs or alcohol - I can only admit that there was a great sacrifice in all those years.

I share that here not as lament, but as a voice from someone's future. Someone who may read these words and in some small way these words may help them salvage even ONE more day than they otherwise may have.

I'm really tired this morning.... my night was full of dreams so vivid and engaging I don't feel I slept at all! So I'll sip this last remaining drug of choice - coffee - and ponder whether even that is getting in my way.

Whoever you are, wherever you are.... Have a beautiful, sober, drug-free day you incredible, lovable, soul of joy. Keep at it!

FreeOwl is offline  
Old 03-18-2021, 03:37 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Introvrtd1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
Introvrtd1 is offline  
Old 03-18-2021, 04:07 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
CaptainHaddock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,531
Thanks Owl, and please don’t give up the coffee!
CaptainHaddock is online now  
Old 03-18-2021, 04:12 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Blue Belt
 
D122y's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Any alky slip I commit is a relapse. i have to be a big boy and suffer when things don't make me happy.

I am frustrated from work today. This aggressive coworker crossed the line, I warned him too, and I had to get a little awkward. Then he got offended. Grrrr....I warned him too.

So frustrating. But, on the bright side here. If I was a drunk still, I likely would have not handled the situation well, if at all. I might have rolled over and let him run all over me. So....there is that.

I am so glad I read your post. Thanks for helping me.

Anyway...

There are other ways, that are not going to make me certifiably insane, to make it all go away. Lifting heavy things, running until I can't breath right, watching some comedy or horror movie. You know the deal. Just working my therapy here.

I could not handle drinking anymore, it was killing me. I was heavily poisoned in mind and body. I am still healing.

I still drink coffee because I rationalize things are ok with it.

But, I wonder if I quit coffee too, would I be even better. Same decision I had with booze. Is coffee adding to my early demise.

Sugar as well. Last night I pounded 2 large delicious cookies and a sugary power bar. Pure poison. It is my addiction.

I don't know what to do. I need the coffee and a need the sugar. Somehow I was able to not need the booze anymore.

Booze is poison. It is a gov't sanction, highly addictive, brain damaging, neuro toxin. I hate the stuff.

Frustrating.

Thanks.
D122y is offline  
Old 03-18-2021, 07:34 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
 
Nonsensical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I remember in early sobriety I struggled (as many do) with trying to find things to fill my time. Alcohol had made it feel OK to do nothing more than flip through the channels. Boredom seemed to accompany sobriety.

Now I can't figure out how to get everything done that I want to do. There's so much. I want to do it all. I will be 57 this year. There's time, but not as much as there used to be. How could a person fit it all in during one lifetime?

Not spending decades flipping through the channels would have been a nice start. I refuse to wallow in my regrets to the point it degrades my present, but it's impossible to not recognize it for what it was. lessgravity's signature states, "I've paid enough, I'm not paying any more". Perhaps I'll change mine to state, "I've wasted enough, I'm not wasting any more".

Nonsensical is offline  
Old 03-19-2021, 02:17 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by D122y View Post
Any alky slip I commit is a relapse. i have to be a big boy and suffer when things don't make me happy.

I am frustrated from work today. This aggressive coworker crossed the line, I warned him too, and I had to get a little awkward. Then he got offended. Grrrr....I warned him too.

So frustrating. But, on the bright side here. If I was a drunk still, I likely would have not handled the situation well, if at all. I might have rolled over and let him run all over me. So....there is that.

I am so glad I read your post. Thanks for helping me.

Anyway...

There are other ways, that are not going to make me certifiably insane, to make it all go away. Lifting heavy things, running until I can't breath right, watching some comedy or horror movie. You know the deal. Just working my therapy here.

I could not handle drinking anymore, it was killing me. I was heavily poisoned in mind and body. I am still healing.

I still drink coffee because I rationalize things are ok with it.

But, I wonder if I quit coffee too, would I be even better. Same decision I had with booze. Is coffee adding to my early demise.

Sugar as well. Last night I pounded 2 large delicious cookies and a sugary power bar. Pure poison. It is my addiction.

I don't know what to do. I need the coffee and a need the sugar. Somehow I was able to not need the booze anymore.

Booze is poison. It is a gov't sanction, highly addictive, brain damaging, neuro toxin. I hate the stuff.

Frustrating.

Thanks.
yep....

sugar and caffeine were the true original gateway drug for me..... I need them daily. DO I need them though?

I know it is incredibly hard to come off them.... government sanctioned poisons also.... sugar responsible for all sorts of brain chemical issues. Caffeine for all sorts of negative impact to the nervous system..... both a clear physical and psychological dependence.....

progress. not perfection. perhaps one day I'll also be free of these and live again like the spirit I was born into....
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 03-19-2021, 08:19 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
advbike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,547
I have both of those habits well entrenched, although I'm working on the sugar, because it really jacks my blood sugar and if I start I can't stop until I practically feel sick. Never drink soda anymore but cookies or something like a creme brulee are my downfall. Just have to avoid it and not keep it n the house. I always have fruit when I want something sweet, which doesn't seem to have the same addictive quality.

As for coffee. Isn't that beneficial? Ha ha.
advbike is offline  
Old 03-19-2021, 04:38 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by advbike View Post
I have both of those habits well entrenched, although I'm working on the sugar, because it really jacks my blood sugar and if I start I can't stop until I practically feel sick. Never drink soda anymore but cookies or something like a creme brulee are my downfall. Just have to avoid it and not keep it n the house. I always have fruit when I want something sweet, which doesn't seem to have the same addictive quality.

As for coffee. Isn't that beneficial? Ha ha.
Well... I have anxiety and ADHD and an issue with over-active sweat that seems to be hyper-reactive to caffeine.... but only around people..... I donno. I think honestly the amount of caffeine and sugar I consume probably isn't doing me any favors in terms of my overall quality of life. Is it really really 'bad'? probably not.... is it good? probably not. Does it rise to the level of 'addictive behavior' - yeah. pretty much.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 03-19-2021, 06:22 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,642
When I was drinking, I lived for that next buzz.
And while I certainly regret it, at least it gives me a sense of gratefulness for my sobriety.
ThatWasTheOldMe is offline  
Old 03-19-2021, 08:45 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Normally I don't bring this up but since we're on the topic...

I quit drinking caffeine 2 years ago and my life has changed dramatically.

I started drinking coffee at the age of 13 and never ever missed a day. I never felt particularly energized from it, which is why when I finally quit 33 years later I didn't expect to feel such a dramatic shift. After all, if you're not getting any "up" then surely you won't come "crashing down", right? WRONG! For the greater part of a month I felt tired as hell, my motivation was in the toilet. It was all I could do to get through the day. I realized then that I was far more addicted than I ever knew. I had to see this through.

But after that went away I felt better than I ever had in my life. Most notably was I felt a LOT less anxiety than before. I used to assume all that background anxiety and rumination was normal until I quit drinking caffeine. I'm not talking about being stressed out over big things- I'm talking about things like someone cuts you off in traffic and you stew over it for the next 5 hours, trying desperately to get it out of your head because you know it's so stupid. Or you said something really dumb and now you're thinking about it all day. That sort of thing has dropped by like 90% !!!

Plus, with decaf coffee you don't even have to give up your morning ritual. So I will never ever go back and highly recommend people try it. Personally I've never understood the appeal, save for the morning ritual- and turning it into a sugary creamy desert- but that's another story.

It honestly makes me wonder what decisions I would have made over the 30+ years without caffeine. Where would I be today? Little decisions every day that wouldn't have been influenced by the drug. I'll never know- but judging by how I conduct my life now as compared to then? Probably better off.

And by the way it's been one year no sugar and that's awesome too, although in different ways!


But lest I sound too preachy, I'm only about 3 months into no booze. But this time I really feel different- and FreeOwl I can definitely relate to your post. I'm trying to have no regrets myself but it's difficult not to think about the amount of time I spent drinking. I don't obsess over the thoughts but I do want to learn from it.

Thanks for your post.
WaterOx is offline  
Old 03-21-2021, 04:05 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by WaterOx View Post
Normally I don't bring this up but since we're on the topic...

I quit drinking caffeine 2 years ago and my life has changed dramatically.

I started drinking coffee at the age of 13 and never ever missed a day. I never felt particularly energized from it, which is why when I finally quit 33 years later I didn't expect to feel such a dramatic shift. After all, if you're not getting any "up" then surely you won't come "crashing down", right? WRONG! For the greater part of a month I felt tired as hell, my motivation was in the toilet. It was all I could do to get through the day. I realized then that I was far more addicted than I ever knew. I had to see this through.

But after that went away I felt better than I ever had in my life. Most notably was I felt a LOT less anxiety than before. I used to assume all that background anxiety and rumination was normal until I quit drinking caffeine. I'm not talking about being stressed out over big things- I'm talking about things like someone cuts you off in traffic and you stew over it for the next 5 hours, trying desperately to get it out of your head because you know it's so stupid. Or you said something really dumb and now you're thinking about it all day. That sort of thing has dropped by like 90% !!!

Plus, with decaf coffee you don't even have to give up your morning ritual. So I will never ever go back and highly recommend people try it. Personally I've never understood the appeal, save for the morning ritual- and turning it into a sugary creamy desert- but that's another story.

It honestly makes me wonder what decisions I would have made over the 30+ years without caffeine. Where would I be today? Little decisions every day that wouldn't have been influenced by the drug. I'll never know- but judging by how I conduct my life now as compared to then? Probably better off.

And by the way it's been one year no sugar and that's awesome too, although in different ways!


But lest I sound too preachy, I'm only about 3 months into no booze. But this time I really feel different- and FreeOwl I can definitely relate to your post. I'm trying to have no regrets myself but it's difficult not to think about the amount of time I spent drinking. I don't obsess over the thoughts but I do want to learn from it.

Thanks for your post.
Thanks for your post as well!!! I managed one year without coffee... though I did drink green tea in moderation during that year... I recall it being pretty good, but I was also drinking and smoking weed a fair amount during that time.

I then went back to coffee with 'just one cup' and was off to the races with multiple coffees and very strong ones at that, multiple times a day, energy drinks, the lot. Like you I began caffeine early. Probably also about 13. And back then, JOLT cola was the thing in middle school. And mountain dew, coke, sugar..... sugar...... SUGAR.

Ugh. I'm seeing my kids form that habit already.

Maybe it really is time I face the music and get coffee out of my life. The biggest hurdle is the detox is hell. Headaches are the worst.... tapering works but takes forever and is a recipe for failure and caffeine relapse.

But... I am sober and drug free (apart from caffeine.... and sugar.... and prozac.... crap. I'm not at all drug free am I!!!?? lol)

FreeOwl is offline  
Old 03-21-2021, 07:47 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
silversky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 3,767
Originally Posted by WaterOx View Post
I quit drinking caffeine 2 years ago and my life has changed dramatically.

Most notably was I felt a LOT less anxiety than before. I used to assume all that background anxiety and rumination was normal until I quit drinking caffeine. I'm not talking about being stressed out over big things- I'm talking about things like someone cuts you off in traffic and you stew over it for the next 5 hours, trying desperately to get it out of your head because you know it's so stupid. Or you said something really dumb and now you're thinking about it all day. That sort of thing has dropped by like 90% !!!

Plus, with decaf coffee you don't even have to give up your morning ritual. So I will never ever go back and highly recommend people try it.
Reading this while drinking my 2nd cup of dark roast. I've been thinking about this a bit since quitting alcohol 7 weeks ago. What is my baseline anxiety level vs the caffeine effect? I can have a panic attack in the car after 2 cups of coffee but less chance with one cup. Zero could make a huge difference. I've been thinking more about the physical benefits of quitting caffeine but WaterOx describing the mental changes is extremely interesting. I'm very prone to rumination, fixations. You are selling me here.

I think I will aim for weaning off and begin switching to decaf and green tea. Thanks for the conversation here.

silversky is offline  
Old 03-21-2021, 08:14 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Not The Way way, Just the way
 
GerandTwine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
I drank coffee and ate man-made sweets for years after I quit drinking/drugging. But now I do not. The reason I quit is because I did not like to drink less than five cups of coffee per day, and I was beginning to clearly see my physical dependence upon it. The few times I quit for a while to see what happened to me, I went through severe headaches (which I otherwise never have) and the joints in my body went through a painful aching for about a day. So, I decided that great high it gave me first thing in the morning wasn’t worth it. I quit coffee and caffeinated beverages.

Then I started to buy and eat large quantities of the giant semi-sweet hershey’s chocolate bars which were also giving me a lower degree of that same caffeine high. So, I quit all chocolate and anything caffeinated.

I was afraid that no caffeine would mean I wouldn’t be able to stay up on the rare occasions I needed to do so for two days in a row. But, low and behold! I was able to do it better than when on caffeine and with more energy. And this remained true even after I gave up all man-made sweets (not all carbohydrates). This fine tuning of my body has truly made life much better for me.

I eliminated all these substances with simple pledges of permanent abstinence (including nicotine). For me, that has made it very easy to deal with the ubiquitous presence of those substances going forward.
GerandTwine is offline  
Old 03-21-2021, 07:45 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
At the risk of coming off super preachy, I would recommend ditching ALL caffeine or else all bets are off. It's not the coffee (which is actually quite good for you. Antioxidants, etc)...it's the caffeine. and yes, that includes Oprah's miracle drink, green tea. LOL

Yes, the ruminations that I thought were so normal (or at least something I'd be stuck with for the rest of my life) fell so dramatically that I really ponder how my life might have been different right now if I had never started caffeine, much less alcohol and nicotine (and yes sugar).

I wish I could talk about it more with people but I usually keep a buttoned lip. America LOVES its coffee....something I can no longer understand.



WaterOx is offline  
Old 03-22-2021, 01:47 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
CaptainHaddock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,531
Reading all this makes me want to put my earlier comment in context. I didn’t see coffee consumption as the main topic of the OP. My comment was a light hearted one, not assuming excessive consumption, history or awareness of dependency or any of the negative consequences that have subsequently been described.
CaptainHaddock is online now  
Old 03-22-2021, 06:38 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by GerandTwine View Post
I drank coffee and ate man-made sweets for years after I quit drinking/drugging. But now I do not. The reason I quit is because I did not like to drink less than five cups of coffee per day, and I was beginning to clearly see my physical dependence upon it. The few times I quit for a while to see what happened to me, I went through severe headaches (which I otherwise never have) and the joints in my body went through a painful aching for about a day. So, I decided that great high it gave me first thing in the morning wasn’t worth it. I quit coffee and caffeinated beverages.

Then I started to buy and eat large quantities of the giant semi-sweet hershey’s chocolate bars which were also giving me a lower degree of that same caffeine high. So, I quit all chocolate and anything caffeinated.

I was afraid that no caffeine would mean I wouldn’t be able to stay up on the rare occasions I needed to do so for two days in a row. But, low and behold! I was able to do it better than when on caffeine and with more energy. And this remained true even after I gave up all man-made sweets (not all carbohydrates). This fine tuning of my body has truly made life much better for me.

I eliminated all these substances with simple pledges of permanent abstinence (including nicotine). For me, that has made it very easy to deal with the ubiquitous presence of those substances going forward.
I'm right at where you're describing.... 5-to-as-many-as-10 cups a day of coffee or the equivalent in energy drinks.... way too much sugar.... headaches if I try to quit are atrocious.... I suspect this is also why I'm having some intestinal issues and (pardon the TMI) issues with unhealthy movements....

Sugar and caffeine are sympathomimetic agents and also light up the addictive centers of the brain....

I swore today I'd try to go without.... to begin to eat right and exercise.

That was three cups of coffee, a red-eye and a donut ago.

Tomorrow?

This is addiction.

FreeOwl is offline  
Old 03-22-2021, 07:15 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
DriGuy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,111
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
I am truly so much more "High Functioning" than ever I was on drugs or alcohol - I can only admit that there was a great sacrifice in all those years.
Near the end of my drinking, I didn't want to be a drunk anymore, but it seemed like changing would require a great sacrifice. When I got sober, I realized it was drinking that required the sacrifice. And it's a very heavy sacrifice.
DriGuy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:52 PM.