me too, D!!!
I thought that I had.
Just goes to show, it takes the same vigilance and the same commitment as does leaving alcohol.
Yesterday afternoon, I was doing some work in my basement and moving around some gardening towers we have. They are for vegetables. We put them out on the deck in summer. but a friend of mine uses them to grow Marijuana.
I caught myself feeling almost sad that I 'couldn't' grow marijuana in them.
Examining that, I saw myself having those silly pangs of feeling 'not good enough'.
It's remarkable how potent that deeply-held fear seems to be. In that moment, I didn't want to USE marijunana. I didn't feel any urge to get high. I just felt myself quietly, inwardly seeking to rationalize how I could be like everyone else..... and be able to grow weed because you can now.
There's clearly more work to be done in self love and acceptance. Which is actually surprising because I've worked on that for so long, felt I've made so much progress. But, perhaps trauma is like grief and never really 'goes away' but becomes a part of us and something we just need to accept.
Like - I tend to have this slight edge of 'I'm not good enough' that walks with me even though I know that is untrue. My addict brain loves to use that, weaponize it.
Anyway - Day Three again and today will be a clean, sober, present, cannabis-free day as I continue to step forward in my life.
I don't want weed. I don't want alcohol. I want my life.