FreeOwl

A Journey In Returning To Freedom.

Today, I'm starting a new thread as part of a formalization, a marking, a rite-of-passage action to mark a choice that I have made.

Now - No More excuses
Now - No More compromise
Now - No More rationalization
Now - No More cannabis

I was cannabis-free until I was 14
I was cannabis-free for nearly 7 years
I've been cannabis-free at significant stretches during my adult years (up to a year at a time on a couple occasions)

So - I've experienced enough of both cannabis-free and cannabis-abusing to know full well: My life is richer, better, happier, more present, more able, more of service and more loving and whole and spiritual and worthwhile when I choose to live cannabis-free as well as sober.

If you've not been following my other recent posts - and if you're interested in what brought me to this one - I recommend reading a few of my prior threads on this forum.

The net summary is that I had a really good long run of not using any cannabis and being sober from alcohol and other drugs. Then, I casually decided to have a little weed. Then, my state legalized. Then, dispensaries began popping up everywhere. Then, home delivery. Then, a pandemic and a bunch of personal stress and crises..... and before long, BAM - I'm caught in a cycle of using cannabis products far too much, often daily. I'm into a cycle of using 'just because' and of going into auto-pilot mode on using it without even thinking of it. And then, finally, into the stage of using it even as I watched myself feel miserable about using it and wondering WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS???

So, today after many false starts in the past few months, I took some ACTIONS:

I had some flower and gummies left in my possession. I took the flower to a nearby pond in the forest. I sprinkled some of it across the pond and I asked out loud for help. I asked Spirit, Creator, The Great Mystery, God, The Higher Power.... to please help me release the bonds of this addiction. I asked that the power of mother nature intervene on my behalf and help me to direct my addictive tendencies into time spent in the woods, in nature, on water with my children and family and in healthy solitude.

I then went to another location, nearby a vast open natural area of land and water, and I again asked for help. "help me, Spirit, Creator, Mystery.... please help me to let go of all remaining resistance to my cannabis-free life. Help me remember, see and powerfully yearn for the clarity and the goodness of my sobriety and my cannabis-free living. Help me channel addictions into healthy pursuits, outdoor pursuits, productive pursuits, being there for my family, serving others." With that I sprinkled out the remaining flower and asked that the earth mother absorb that weed back into her natural cycles and in return grant me energy and wisdom and serenity to live free of cannabis.

Then, with the remaining gummies.... I balled them up into my fist and I said to the great mystery: Please take these gummies and the substance within and accept them from me as a weight lifted off my shoulders. Please help me stay focused on sober, drug-free living and on health and wellness and presence. I give these up. I give up the madness and the insanity of this substance and I call forth the space it leaves behind to step forward and be filled with goodness, grace, gratitude and love.

And with that, I hurled those gummies as far off into the snowy, icy distance as I could.

I didn't feel anything like immediate relief or freedom from any weight... but I did feel more empowered and more like I'd really MADE the choice and taken action to support it.
I went to work for a while after that, spent the am with colleagues working on a project and when I left the office, had a thought about coming here to post an update. I'm grateful that was my inclination, not a thought of going and getting more cannabis.

this new thread will be for accountability, sharing, insight, rambling and support-seeking. If you feel so inclined, your participation will be appreciated.

If you feel so moved - I invite you to join me in leaving cannabis in your past and finding the peace and presence, lucidity and love, goodness and gratitude of life in cannabis-free sobriety.

Dee74

I hope this can be the start of a truly new non negotiable beginning for you FreeOwl.

D

FreeOwl

Me, too... Dee.
Me, too.

It feels like I finally reached the level of exhausted, disappointed, beaten-down and obviously-obvious that I have finally made that non-negotiable choice.

Going outside, communing with nature, saying out loud please help me, the physical act of throwing away the substance and the spiritual act of seeking help for channeling my addiction and my and my personal focus into healthy pursuits feels like a threshold. I choose now to make it thus.

It rings a little hollow, even to me.... given the number of times I've said and felt I truly meant it over the past months. But, the new life begins with the choice and continues with that continued choice.

Giving myself this new thread to chronicle my journey gives me a stream-of-consciousness journal to turn to in processing my thoughts and emotions as this choice becomes threatened by my own inner dialogue.....

Sharing it on this forum will engage some support along the way, and perhaps help someone else as well.

Right now, I'm just drawing with my daughter as I juggle that with the dishes and the kitchen clean-up and just try to keep reminding myself over and over again that I am an addict and that's OK - but let me be addicted to life on life's terms. Let me be addicted to experiences of presence. Let me be addicted to being there for others. Let me be addicted to health and wellness. Let me be addicted to building my business. Let me most of all be addicted to loving my family, being there for them, being a dedicated anchor and foundation of our family.....

Let me walk away from the weed's false allure and back into the light and the peace and the fullness of living in clarity.

FreeOwl

I feel weak. Hazy. A little bit anxious already. A little glum. Lingering emotional downbeat-ness from the cycle I've allowed to continue.

I know it'll feel better soon. A few days down the road.

I want to spend time reading.
I want to spend time cleaning the house.
I want to spend time with my family.
I want to make use of my time on this earth.... however long I have left. Not simply fritter it away with half-munted thinking and distractedness.
I want to be a beacon of another way to live.
I want to be in service.
I want to be able to jump in a car at any time to come to the aid of a friend.
I want to be able to answer the phone or field a situation about work or employees or family members any time without concern for my mental clarity.
I want my children to see my example of sobriety and of drug-free living as an inspiring reason to stay away from drugs and alcohol or at least to be very, very aware of their deadly dangers.
I want my wife to see me as present and clear and responsible and supportive and doing my best to be my best.......
Ok... I want to finish the dishes.

FreeOwl

Checking in.... end of Day One. Cannabis-free and headed to bed shortly. Relieved and grateful.

Dee74

My declarations sounded hollow to me too - but my commitment to change was real, and with that change came a realisation I'd gotten away from the real me.

You'll be tempted, you'll be angry, you'll ache some days to give in...it's not easy...but I believe these declarations are the real you as well - & that changes the situation completely.

D

FreeOwl

Thank you, Dee.... I appreciate the support and the mirroring of your own experience. I'll add that to my pile of strength & support, and you to my "higher power team".

Waking this morning a little bit bleary-eyed and fuzzy headed because of a cold I've been dealing with for several days and because of the lingering feelings attendant to this ongoing marijuana binge-struggle. Today I wake without temptation thus far. Feeling a little ill actually kind of helps, funny enough. Even the idea of cannabis at the moment seems silly and a little gross.

As I fell asleep last night I reminded myself who I am - a clean and sober human being... working to be my best.

As I walked in from taking out the trash and loading some boxes of books into the car to take to the Goodwill, I reminded myself who I am - a man who tends to the stuff of life, rather than allowing it to pile up into problem upon problem..... and that felt good, and right.

Over the past couple of years, while I feel I've accomplished a lot, I've also managed to create a lot of messes. Messes of finance. Messes of physical stuff. Messes of situations. On reflection, I'd gone a long way toward improving those kinds of messes in the previous several years of sober AND drug-free living. The messes that began appearing to a greater and greater degree - I have no doubt were influenced in large part by my return to using cannabis.

Today, I shall remain sober, drug-free (apart from a decongestant for my sinuses and my prescribed antidepressant).... and today, I shall focus on this journal as needed. Just knowing you're here Dee, is helpful. Just knowing you've been there and done that and so have I.... just knowing you've had my back for the past many years, all along..... and that this place is here and that the people of this little family of sisters and brothers in recovery are on my side.... it all gives me something to lean on. Today, I'm going to remember that. Today, I'm going to lean on that.

And I'll play with my daughter.
And I'll shovel the snow.
I'll do some reading.
Tend to some more messes.
One next-right-thing-at-a-time.

The good news is that I have all the tools, I know how to do this, I have lived it and done it and all it really comes down to is honoring the Real Me.

Thanks, Dee

FreeOwl

A clean and sober prayer for the day:

I remember running on the beach
The sounds of a summer night
Fireflies alight

Heart racing wild
In a bitter cold wood
Ten million stars

I remember swimming
Crystalline waters of cool
World's largest, natural pool

I remember laughter
And love
And powerful feelings

I remember being free
I remember being me
Today, once again... let me BE.

biminiblue

Keepa go, buddy.

You did the ritual and got rid of all of your stash. That was it. The End. You're done. Now just slog through the next couple irritating weeks. Every time the AV says, "But..." I shut it down immediately. No discussions, just NO.

FreeOwl

Thanks Bimini!!! yes, I agree. And thank you. It's happened a couple brief times today.... just little niggling thoughts about MJ in general. NO, I said. Felt good.

Mid-day check-in here... to help keep on track.

Working on the house.... so many piles of crap. So much stuff we don't need. So many tasks unfinished. It's the stuff of life in the modern world, to be sure.... and yet it's also a manifestation of a home plagued with ADD (me, at least one of my kids), depression (me and my spouse and probably our eldest), anxiety (mostly me but also spouse), 6 people and a dog living in it and mostly living remotely due to Covid-19..... and all of that amounts to a regulation chaos-ville. So, to keep feeling focused on something and to keep not allowing my mind or my AV to wander into addictive territory, I am focusing my addictive and obsessive tendencies into the task at hand. Actually quite a rewarding approach once started.

Day 2 - halfway through and doing well apart from a little feeling of tension and tightness in my throat and chest. The subtle feeling of withdrawal already settling in.

Pacoloco

Congrats on day 2. Withdrawal is rough but it will pass. And you only have to go through it once. Once and for all. Hang in there.

FreeOwl

Thank you Pacoloco!!

Yes, I agree! The whole withdrawal thing was actually very short-lived when I'd gotten to Day 10 not long ago. Then I threw that out the window to try and beat myself down a little more.

NOT THIS TIME.

Donezo.

FreeOwl

Welp... my wife seems pretty upbeat about my having spent nearly 12 hours cleaning and clearing out crap from the house today. Snowblowing. Vacuuming. Organizing. Paring back. I'm actually achey because I've been on my feet and moving around working all day. Mostly, my life is quite sedentary over the past year. Feels good to accomplish. Feels good to be clear-headed. Feels good to see my wife a little upbeat.

Now it's time for some pasties for dinner and a little TV with my Lady.

Day Two is at an end. Sober. Cannabis-free. Drug-free. Feeling good.

G'nite.

Dee74

congrats on a good day

D

FlyingDutchMan

Hey FO, good to see you’ve opened up a new thread. Sounds like you are tackling this with new vigour. I’ll try and visit every day to read up on the progress you are making.

I’ve made a couple of slips myself over the last two weekends and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really enjoy the thought of using MJ but I am not enjoying the using itself anymore. Maybe you recognise this as well. Not cool to conclude that I’ve been chasing something that doesn’t exist anymore.

Wishing you the very best!

FreeOwl

Thanks, FDM. Yes.... I've definitely had that insight as well. While there have been moments of 'enjoyment', I suppose.... if I'm honest that 'enjoyment' is just a nicer way of saying "numb escapism".

Most of the time, I've found myself getting high and then saying almost immediately "This has to stop. This is so dumb." Or similar sentiments. Watching my addicted self satisfy his reptilian urge at the cost to my Genuine Self's presence and integrity is an awful thing, really.

Good morning... Day Three.... I woke at 2:30 am in cold sweats. For the first time in quite some time. Cannabis obviously helps me sleep and stops night sweats happening.... right?

Oh... or wait.... perhaps the night sweats and the cannabis are and have been an interrelated, co-dependent part of my return to addiction.

Thinking back, I can't really recall when the night sweats issue began.... but I think if I'd mapped it out, the relationship would be clear. I can't recall having these night sweats and wakefulness problems 2-3 years ago... when I was longtime clean and sober....

So, on we go with resolve and with gratitude and with an appeal to Spirit for help in this.

Thank you for popping in FDM. Thank you for your own admission of using. And, thank you for joining me on this thread in support. Seeking recovery from cannabis seems a lonelier pursuit than sobriety. I appreciate all the community I can get on this one.... as the march of "It's MEDICINE" and the onslaught of Big Business McWeed ratchets up to full force around these parts. Yet another dispensary announced its opening this weekend. That's now six within a few minutes drive. In a county of less than 90,000 people....

biminiblue

I'm in Washington, we legalized pot many years ago.

Honestly, I don't even pay attention or notice the pot industry around me. Because I'm not involved in it. It's a niche of society, it's not the Whole Of Society. I think your AV is having a field day with that whole legalization thing. It's not different from alcohol in that way.

I can buy alcohol 24-7, have it delivered, no one bats an eye at tiny bottles in every end-cap in the grocery, free wine samples at Costco, alcohol in every store.

Shut down that thought process. It does not make any difference to you if you don't use the stuff.

I also don't eat oysters.

I don't like okra.

I rarely notice okra or oysters in the stores.

FreeOwl

Thanks, Bimini! Yes, I agree. It's no different than the ten thousand alcohol stores I could go to any day, the bars you can literally fall out of one and into the next, or the row after row of booze I walk unconcernedly past every single time I go to the grocery store.

I think the focus on it at all is a combination of the marketing blitz, the news that seems to announce another store weekly and the degree to which the societal chatter and the advertising and marketing are ramping up - simultaneous to my departing that relationship again... for good.

It reminds me of a memory from long ago in my early sobriety. Sitting in a sushi restaurant dining alone, reading a book.... each time I looked up, somewhere in that restaurant, my gaze unavoidably caught a view including alcohol.

It reminds me of how, early on in sobriety, I was frustrated with the degree to which culture idolizes booze.

It reminds me of the fight, kicking, screaming and hollering "BUT BUT BUT" that my AV put up when it knew I was serious this time and was leaving alcohol.

Thanks for the reminders.... I appreciate it and as always, I appreciate you!

FlyingDutchMan

Very recognisable! And yet the next day our minds start to play tricks on us. At least that’s what mine is doing as I am writing this. Mind you, I threw out my last bit of hash last night and I did the same thing last weekend, knowing so very sure that it had nothing in store for me anymore, that my life is better on every level when I don’t use marijuana. Fast forward some 15 hours and I am full of doubts again. It’s fascinating as much as it is frustrating.

Pacoloco

Cannabis is what caused sleep problems and night sweats in the first place.
People wrongly assume they "need" cannabis to "avoid" the problems it caused, but in fact, by using it more and more, the problems grow, the usage has to grow too, and the misery will surely grow a lot. And then the withdrawal is pure hell. The more one insists in this cycle, the more one is going to suffer (I insisted way too long, and it was hell, I had enough).
That's addiction in a nutshell. Quitting for good is the only way out.
Congrats on day 3! Just keep going