Hey guys. Am just off to bed. Have had a oretty emotional evening. I am GSR (General service Rep) for a ladies CA meeting on a Wednesday night. CA is cocaine anonymous but is open to anyone suffering from any drug or alcohol problem. Well, last week I decided that I didn't really feel I belonged there i felt like AA was my home and i spoke to the girl who had ser up the meeting and explained to her that I would have to habe in my service position and I felt bad about it but felt it was the right thing for my recovery. Anyway I was on the meeting tonight as I had been asked to tale the meeting as the secretary was doing ber chair that night. The chair is where the person tells their story. It was such an emotional and powerful story...what this young girl had been through made me want to weep and she has 7 months of sobriety and completely turned her life around and we all shared back and there was so much love in the meeting. Anyway it wasn't a busy meeting so I shared twice and I ended up sharing about how I was abusing food and that I had just done another step 4 and this time I had out myself on it because I have so many resentments towards myself for things I did in my past that I believe is stopping me from being 100% in recovery and hence why I am still abusing myself with sometjibg external ie food. And I found myself saying that you know, it doesnt matter what drug it is, or if it is alcohol or if it is food. It's what lies behind the substance. Pain. Trauma. Low self esteem. Not feeming good enough. Wanting to change how we feel. That is what is behind it and all of us in that meeting tonight have that in common and want to heal and move forward to enjoy life and be happy joyous and free. So I am staying. I am staying with those amazing women who I am growing to really care about.
And i have put all of these things on my step 4 that are keeping me locked in pain, remorse and regret, not being my own person at school and getting the best grades I could because I was following the "popular" girl and was more interested in being in with the right crowd than being my own person, for dropping out of college early, for terminating my baby, for being so selfish and thoughtless that I never took my ex's feelings into account, that I started drinking, that i lied and cheated on every boyfriend I had, that I slept with so many men, that I wasn't there for my mum when she first got her breast cancer, that I wasn't there for my nan in her final days in hospital, that I have wasted all the money I earnt, that I drank when I was pregnant with my beaitiful daughter and that I put her at risk with my drinking, that I havent spent more time with my mum and dad.
I know that the past is gone and I can't change any of it. I know that. But how do I forgive myself for things I feel are unforgivable? I want to let it all go but how exactly do I do that?!
You dont have to answer. These are rhetorical questions. I will be sharing this stuff with my OA sponsor as part of my step 5 and I think I will need to share with my AA sponsor too.
I am ok. This is all part of the recovery process. I drank on all this stuff for years and now I am not drinking I am using food in the same way and I want to be free from the obsession. I want to be happy.
So there we have it.
I am soooo tired.
Night all love you all xx