Hi Seekingcalm
I can relate. I too, miss the boy, but do not know the man he has become. I don't want to know someone who can bring such chaos into my life, if I allowed him to.
It's sad that we can't have the relationship that we would like with our sons, but, there is no sense in losing ourselves, to the madness of their addiction. I am glad I am able to recognise and accept that.
I once read a post which said " the madness has gone, but there is a sadness". I tend not to dwell on that sadness, as it doesn't serve me well, but of course, now and then, it pops into my mind. I " shoo" it out!
Much Love to you
Bute xx