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Old 02-06-2021, 12:19 AM
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Birthday

Hi All
It's my sons 27th birthday today. He's in prison - as he has been on the last 3 birthdays. Not all the same sentence - in and out of prison over the last 5 years or so.
Was just having a little think to myself, I haven't celebrated his birthday with him since he was 19. Such a shame. I'm not sad about it - just thinking out loud so to speak.
All that time he's wasted.
My time hasn't been wasted though. I continue to live my life, work, have my interests and friends.
Might be an awful thing to admit, but sometimes, I don't think about him at all. Possibly because I know where he is, and he's safe. Anyone else experience this?
I hope everyone is as well as can be.
Much Love
Bute x
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Old 02-06-2021, 08:18 AM
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Yes, Bute, I have experienced the same. Although he is not in an official prison, he's in one of his own making through addiction. He's in rehab right now, so I know he has a roof over his head and food to eat. I haven't really enjoyed any time with him since he was about 11; a few choice moments here and there, but there was always the specter of his addiction clouding our time together. We've been walking on eggshells ever since he started into puberty. No birthdays, holidays, special events, etc. I haven't seen him on Christmas in over 15 years. And yes, days go by that I don't think about him much. That's so sad to admit as a mother, but that is what addiction does to us. It's how we survive.
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Old 02-06-2021, 11:57 AM
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I absolutely agree with you Bella. So many special occasions ruined, and sometimes he wasn't even physically there, but sending abusive messsges, or threatening suicide, so of course, the day was ruined. I don't tend to react to these things any more.
i can't see him ever being back in my home, even for a visit, if he was to get clean.
I don't actually know, hand on heart, what I feel towards my son. I think I've become so detached from him, I feel nothing at times. And I will admit, life is more peaceful without his craziness in it.
As you say, it's how we survive.
Much Love to you Bella
Bute xx
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Old 02-08-2021, 08:47 AM
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It's been over 2 years since I have seen my son, at a family funeral, and it wasn't pleasant. I miss what could have been, but not what was. My son still works, still has a home, but no real personal relationships with anyone. I pray for his somewhat soft bottom. I miss that boy, but I don't know this man. It's true that puberty changed everything, but it was slow, not all at once. So hard at the time to see that he would be an alcoholic. My heart is with you Bellablue and Bute, and with all the mothers who are surviving everyday.
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Old 02-11-2021, 08:35 PM
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Hi Seekingcalm
I can relate. I too, miss the boy, but do not know the man he has become. I don't want to know someone who can bring such chaos into my life, if I allowed him to.
It's sad that we can't have the relationship that we would like with our sons, but, there is no sense in losing ourselves, to the madness of their addiction. I am glad I am able to recognise and accept that.
I once read a post which said " the madness has gone, but there is a sadness". I tend not to dwell on that sadness, as it doesn't serve me well, but of course, now and then, it pops into my mind. I " shoo" it out!
Much Love to you
Bute xx
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