With what you have been through oxm8ey, and the things you have endured, I think your definitive 100%, non-negotiable, line in the sand declaration should be "I think I know why I must quit drinking forever." I'm sorry for what you have been through oxm8ey. One of my many excuses for trying to end myself with alcohol was the trauma I endured as a kid. I grew up in a family that should have raised cobras, not children. But you know what? It will always be there with you. My past is with me like several tattoos and I eventually realized that I'll never forget those things. But life marches by, and I couldn't afford to be angry any more and let the abuse define me. I still hurt and I still get pissed, but now I do that sober and wow, is that a more successful way to go through those tough moments. You will always be a person who has endured something. But those things, although always visible in your rear view mirror, can become more distant memories and take their proper place in your life. You can't erase them but you can right-size the memories.