ozm8ey

Finally learned to recognize my thoughts and have just discovered that when I try and quit I get memories/flashbacks of being bullied reminding me how useless of a person I am. I then start drinking again because it puts a mask over it.

Boggle10

I can see your thinking, for me I had years of torment being bullied and other yucky stuff, but for me when I was drinking it just left me an angry mess, when I started this journey of mine I still thought of my past but as the days, weeks and now months have went on, I don't waste my time on it anymore, it wasn't you who was the bully, it was them, be a better person, give up the booze and move on, try to live your best life, I bet now those bullies wish they never had treated you so bad, but they have to live with there guilt,

Steely

First step into stopping ozm8ey.

I'm from Sydney by the way. Well done on containing the virus Victoria!

The reasons you give for drinking are familiar to many of us. The masking of trauma, pain, and all the rest. Familiar to me that's for sure. Lots of past trauma, flashbacks, memories, which can overwhelm us at the start, but so important to unmask if we want to live a full and productive life. Sobriety is the only way I will ever be able to achieve this end. And it's working.

Bullies it seems to me project their inadequacies upon us. Good people, sensitive people. You probably know this about yourself, and I can read it between the lines.

Take these memories, flashbacks, in small chunks ozm8ey, don't overwhelm yourself. Just tiny, baby steps at a time. Crumbs, I used to think I would either never stop crying, or never stop drinking, but I did. I took it slowly and listened to the past and saw it for what it was. And I was not to blame, and nor was I useless. And nor are you.

I've been sober for 12 months now ozm, and it is so much better. The memories, flashbacks do not contain the same power as they did before, and I am getting well. Bullies begone!

I hope you continue to post and join the merry crew of others who have felt just as you do now.

Best wishes from NSW ozm. We need you too.

TheAten

I highly recommend seeking the help of a good therapist/counsellor to help work you through this. There was no way I could ever stop without my therapists help; once the flood gates opened, I found out a lot more “icky” stuff was inside, being suppressed, tormenting me. I worked hard at the therapy and threw my whole self into it. Of course, just like drinking, you have to be willing to face those demons head on more than you want to run or hide. You have to prepare yourself for the tsunami of devastating hurtful feelings and emotions that will come with it. But if you do, you can start to heal that raw wound, and you won’t feel like abusing yourself anymore. Please consider therapy. I really believe my therapist helped to save my life, and guess what? By making that choice, I saved my life, too. I wish you all the best and best wishes in the world.

Steely

Great post TheAten.

Tanky

hello ozm8ey, trauma is very difficult to tackle and so many of us alcoholics have this potent combination. I am so sorry that it happened and that you are suffering flashbacks and other symptoms . Damn scary & hard to deal with. This is something a good trauma-focused psychologist or psychiatrist can definitely definitely help you with.

As to using alcohol to mask or alleviate these symptoms , as someone who also has significant trauma and is diagnosed with cPTSD, I can assure you from years of painful experience that this will only be likely to work for awhile. It will stop being effective and you will most likely be forced into taking higher and higher doses of your “self-medication”. This in turn will worsen your symptoms.

please seek support for what you suffered at the hands of bullies. It was not your fault, it is not something you can wish away or drink away and ozm8ey, you matter, your are not useless you just need some help to get better. You deserve to heal.

Dee74

I think some of us need that professional helping hand to get through that trauma we carry around Ozm8y.
If you think this is your problem, then go for it - get some help and start healing

D

ozm8ey

I do and have been for about 6 years now. They can only do so much. Im also on medication. When I try and quit drinking the feeling of been useless and flashbacks come bombarding my mind. I dont really get bullied anymore but back in the day I copped it pretty bad.

Steely

Sounds like your caught in a spiral of diminishing returns ozm8ty.

You have flashbacks; drink; feel worse next day. Repeat; only it worsens.

Have you ever tried to tackle your drinking problem outside of just doing it on your own? Addictions counsellor, AA, anything?

TheAten

You’re right; they can only do so much. The hardest part about this kind of trauma is that you have to be able to face the mountain of pain, confusion and terror that comes with dealing with this. The unfortunate part of this with regards to alcoholism is the AV is very strong and will continue to con you that it alone provides relief and protection from these painful feelings and memories. It is lying to you; it has dug its claws in and is offering very short term solutions to feed itself. It isn’t a reason why you “can’t” stop drinking; everybody actually can. It’s just that voice is so powerful and will cling to those negative opinions you have of yourself to keep you giving it what it wants. If you continue to tell yourself you “can’t” then you’re right, you won’t. Because you’ve already told yourself that. I know it sounds a little harsh, but until you’re ready or willing (even if not ready) to open Pandora’s Box, the therapy or meds can, as you already know, only do so much. The rest has to come from you. I hope you keep reading and posting here, it’s great that you’re opening yourself up to people who genuinely care and want to help you. You’re taking all the right steps - the final foot over the threshold will be when you decide to confront that which keeps you from moving forward. I think you’re doing a great job already and having helping hands to guide and be with you on a journey is a great thing to have.

Steely

Opening Pandora's Box is painful indeed, but it was real. It held meaning at last.

I still shut the lid, but I do not drink, because I know next sober day I will be able, better equipped to prise the lid further.

The drinking was never real. It held no meaning.

Can't live without meaning.

DriGuy

I certainly agree that past events can lead to drinking, but don't let that diminish the fact that alcohol is an addiction. It is universally understood that alcoholics drink because they are addicts. This does not mean past trauma does not play a part in alcoholism, and whether it does or not, that past needs to be dealt with through meditation or therapy if you are to eventually destined to grow, but you can break the addiction cycle at the same time you sort out your head.

I was bullied as a child and halfway through high school. The bullies mostly just disappeared in college, and those that were still there, were kind of like jokes to the rest of us, albeit bad jokes. Just being an adult helps to put that bully behavior in perspective. But I'm a firm believer in therapy. Learning about myself has been a big help, and sobriety makes it easier. No one can sort their head out in a drunken fog or during a hangover. Both of those conditions are time wasted.

nez

I was bullied a couple of times in my teens. Carried that crap for a lot of years. Yeah drinking put a mask on it, but it didn't make it any lighter to carry around.

In recovery, I was able to strip the mask off and recognize the the feelings for what they were and the damage they had done and were still doing to me. Doing this gave me the courage to stand up for myself and say no more. The bullying finally ended for me that day and gave me strength.

The bullies may have taken my innocence, but they will never again take my spirit. I will survive and live in peace, not hatred. I am a survivor, not a victim.

aasharon90

Your aviator picture looks like Danielson, Ralph Macchio,
on the Karate Kid. Which I'm watching right now. Cool.

I read you post and very much understand where you are
coming from, especially with the memories and experiences,
you along with many who have had with bullying in the past.

However, I had to learn to leave the past in the past and
to use it only as an experience to learn from moving forward.

I first had to learn how to put the plug in the jug once and
for all using a program of recovery to help me and to begin
building a strong solid recovery foundation to live my life
upon.

Then if I needed extra help with other issues then ask, search
and apply that to help me grow stronger in heart, mind and soul.
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and psychological.

Here's a little story to share.....

Yes, I was bullied by kids and a parent, sad to say. In school,
i had to find some inner strength to face kids all thru out my
grade and high school. One day, in 9th grade, the bully and
I had an appointment on the parking lot after school.

We got there, surrounded by onlookers as we danced around
in a circle waiting for the first swing. She hit me first before i was
pushed encouraging me to hit back, which i did with a slap
across her face followed by more struggling.

By then the bus arrived and the fight was over.

I entered the bus to a celebratory of clapping which boosted
my ego pretty high.

No, that didnt stop the bullying and did survive till graduation. Yay...!!!

Of course my drinking career took off at about 18, 19 till I turned
30 as a mom and wife. At that time family stepped in and placed
me into the hands of those capable of teaching me about my
addiction and it's affects on me and others around me.

With a 28 day rehab stay and a 6 week aftercare program complete,
the seed of recovery was planted in me and I began my journey in
life to achieve health, happiness, honesty and many of life's rewarding
gifts to enjoy each day I have remained sober.

Some 30 yrs. of many one days sober with faith and recovery support.

Over the years I continue to be inspired my so many who have
been bullied, rising above it and become impowered by it. Learning
how to become an advocate and supporter for all those victims
who suffered from bullies.

Today those victims all victims, us, are no longer victims but
rather survivors and take a stand against any and all kinds bullying.

First learn how to remain sober, then learn how to be strong
in heart, mind and soul standing strong with positive and good
intention against bullying that continues today for countless
others.

Anna

The awful flashbacks happened to me, too. It was almost non-stop at first. I believe it was because I had been self-medicating those thoughts away with alcohol. I can tell you that for me, it eased up and eventually stopped. You will be able to deal with the feelings that the flashbacks bring up and it will get better.

D122y

I have that one too, I have other memories that are bad, maybe worse. I also have good ones. I also have made up ones.

The addiction will do anything to get its' fix.

Even at my sober time, I still crave a bit.

Nothing like the first year, but I still feel stress, almost daily, that I used to drink over.

Suffering and time.

When i am under pressure (at work, the gym etc), I don't really crave. It is when my adrenaline goes down. That is when I crave.

So, I stay busy. It works out. This last year, sitting around the house more, I have done super mx and clean up.

Drunk me would have never done this.

Organizing etc. is a great way to spend free time.

Thanks.

Mizz

Ive been through traumatic experiences starting with my birth parents on into my early adult life. I attended therapy for a few years and was on medications. I sought out books on self help and worked on forgiveness. I too was bullied as a young teenager and have endured my fair share of life altering situations. Homelessness at 12. My own apartment at 16. Alcoholic father and drug abuse mother. The amount of **** I went through with those two humans is not something to share here. I spent a great amount of time trying to work out all that happened.

There comes a point in time when those memories and pains are something that we need to put down. I couldn't walk around with that story any longer. It does not serve a purpose as to the life I am living now. Its almost as if that younger life is another persons story entirely. Its been 20 years of building and repairing in myself. Yes, I have come out on the end with a few issues. Yes, I am working hard at those issues presently by obtaining sobriety. Yes, I have battled this alcoholism for a decade now but I cannot give into active alcoholism. If I do give in those memories and stories win 100%. If I do continue drinking then I am a statistic. A person who followed in the same footsteps as her birth family. Not going to happen. Not as long as I am living.

I digress, I think there comes a point when we lay down those stories and the messages we tell ourselves and we walk with determination to overcome those challenges that were handed to us. Turning the **** into gold!

You got this.

ScottFromWI

Lots of great responses here ozm8ey. The subject of your message ( that you can't quit drinking ever ) is false right off the bat, because you've already quit drinking multiple times. So you have already proven that theory wrong before even starting into your reasoning ;-) Your addiction would also have you think that the the flashbacks/memoires are the "Reason" that you drink. That's false - we all have a choice in that situation, whatever it may be. I drank to hide a lot of things too, but as you already know it only makes them worse once you get to the point we are all at with our addiction. No drug, whether it be prescribed or self-prescribed will ever be able to remove the realities of our lives an our paths either. Even many of the prescribed meds we can take are only part of the solution - we need to change ourselves - our thinking, our actions. And that can be an extremely difficult thing to do - as you are seeing right now. It will not be easy, but please don't forget that you have a say in all of this, and that your drinking is not fate or a foregone conclusion.

RecklessDrunk

You might want to factor some physical training into recovery.

Just get a little better each day. Hammer away at the underlying feelings a little at a time. You want to feel good about yourself physically. Maybe a martial art where you can spar and pressure test. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Erica375

Bullied a lot in grade school, middle school, high school, university. Honesty, I have no compassion for those thugs and I hope they all have led miserable lives and die horribly. But that's on me. And that only hurts me now. I realize I need to get beyond my rage, and I'm working on it. Other than hunting down every last one of them, all I can do is try to get beyond it. There is no forgiveness for their cruelty, but I can and will get beyond it.