Just from my first meeting
Hi all, I just came from my first AA meeting. It was I think the hardest thing I've done is a long long time. It was in an old white house. Very dingy and yellow walls from the nicotine. I didn't care though. I could
feel tears well up in my eyes before I even got out of my car. I threw another piece of gum in my mouth to fight back tears. It was a small group, I seated myself off to the corner, and wondered why noone has said hello, or invited me to sit at the group of about 4 tables shoved to gether. I was kind of relieved that they didn't though, because I overheard a few men talking (before the mtg started), and tears came upon me. I turned around and looked through the window in back of me, so noone could see me. There was no way that TONIGHT I could say out loud that I was an alcoholic. I'm sure there w/be another time and place for that. They started it iff by announcing new things, the serenity prayer, and the normal aa rituals. Then this older well groomed man started speaking. He was very angry. He was talking about people owing him money and getting pissed on. Then the next few people started talking about their different problems, 3 more people were talking about family and frineds screwing them over about money, and all of the feelings they had about that. I'm holding back my lump in my throat because I had just spent the afternoon w/my Mom and stepdad. I asked my Dad if I could borrow some money. I owe him money already from 3 yrs ago,a nd have not paiod him back. I have here and there, but I've taken for granted his kindness, because everytime I mention paying hin back, he always says to me "just pay your bills first, sweetie". He wanted to talk to me about the fact that I hadn't paid him anything in over 2 years. It was hard on me. I deserve all of the grilling I get. I was fighting tears then, because I knew that the reason for me not having any money then, and having to ask for more now, is because I spend so much on booze, and cigarettes, cuz I chainsmoke when I drink...
He is going to help me, though, and will probably help me more than I asked, so that I can get caught up, and kind of start a new month fresh. I rushed from their house to get to the meeting. I told my Mom I was going, but not my dad. I know he would understand, buit just didn't feel I could tell him w/out breaking down. When at the meeting, I heard these people talk about the money thing, one guy owed his parents $$$, and he admitted that he could be paying them back w/his drinking money. The whole meeting just seemd like they knew what had just gone on with me, and that it was geared towards me.
One thing that I noticed at this meeting, was that everyone was so kind to everyone, i.e., patting backs, touching knees, etc. It was so nice to see that they all seemed to trust each other and that they could say whatever they wanted to say and however they wanted to say it. When they asked at the end if there was anyone else who would like to speak, I kind of looked at the floor, and felt so many eyes on me. That didn't bother me. My only thing that I'm scared of, is when I DO decide to open up and speak, that I would't be able to because I would start to cry and might not be able to get a grip. I wanted to go to a meeting today, and I chose the one in-town. There is anopther meeting place in a church Rectory that I might feel more comfortable at, but they didn't have a meeting today. In full, I am glad that I went, and I realized that no matter how 'rough' someone appears to be around the edges, they are capable of having compassion and have problems too. I have a long way to go.
I have to pick up roommate at work at 8:00, so I had an hour and 15 minutes to kill....I thought about getting a bottle. Honestly I did. Then I thought about getting some fast food so I wouldn't want to drink anything...But I chose to come home, check my mail, and get on line and type this post. It is sooo hard. It's so over powering in the mind. Physically I am ok. I felt so good today, not lazy like usual, but really good. It's the mind thing thats screwing me. Telling me it's okay, you can handle your problem, you can only just drink once a week, and be okay. I said ..."SELF? bull s***!!!!
So here I am, going on another 24 hours. One day at a time. Thanks, and have a great night all!!!
Kimmie