Day 38
Thanks to Zura, RAL and Dee for their support and thoughts since my last post. I was never close to drinking (not even remotely) but I was ‘planning’ a relapse in my head for Christmas. The You Tube videos on Cirrhosis were that scary it made me want to drink to forget. It is so screwed up it just utterly defies any kind of logic. That said, this morning I just wake into a new day with the fear of Cirrhosis and no desire to drink. I know one day I will die - but I don’t want to die like that. I don’t want to be terrified of waiting for a new liver. I don’t want jaundice. I couldn’t bear the whispers and the shame. No. No. Definitely not.
Maybe I have been looking for a utopia to run headlong into. A life of milk and honey where the desire for a perfect life was enough to propel me forwards? But the problem was (and is) that the ‘picture’ in my head was never enticing for long enough to drive me there. Perhaps the better thought process for me isn’t the PULL of a heaven on earth but the PUSH of a hell as an alternative? The hell is the Cirrhosis, pain, shame, fear and ultimately, an untimely death?
This makes me feel very sad - even a little bit moist around the eyes to be honest. I don’t want it to be that I’ll be lying in a hospital bed lonely, afraid and ashamed. I need to learn my lesson before it is too late.
Stay strong, safe and sober Decemberoni’s
JT