Originally Posted by
dandylion 
HopeUnending.......I feel bad for you, that you feel trapped in such lonliness and feeling like you are losing your sanity.
First of all-----you are NOt losing your mind, so, get rid of that idea. Anxiety and depression don't mean that you are losing your mind!
living with active alcoholism can be very isolating for most people. Between trying to keep the alcoholic "happy" and trying to hide the "shame" from others.
we are by nature, social beings---so, long term isolation makes everything feel worse.
Even introverts need some kinds of feelings of close connections with other humans.
Also, it is never a good idea to put all of one's eggs in one basket-----like trying to get all of one's needs met by only one person in their life.[/QUOTE]
I am a codependent by nature frim being a caregiver to both my parents before the died, my ex-husband victim of childhood abuse/sexual abuse, and now my AH. I find it hard to put this in other's shoulders because I know the weight of this burden. My MIL dealt with him and gets me/my burdens. I find tell all details to her but she 100% supportive to me. I feel guilty going to her but she is the only one I feel comfortable with and who doesn't judge me. My family, coworkers/friends would not support me staying nor tolerating what I have. Sadly I don't blame them for their views, I used to think that way too until I lived this. Now I get why some stay for a while/forever.
The abusive behavior tends to erode a person's self esteem and confidence----and increases the feelings of helplessness against it.
Make no mistake---words can wound---and leave scars on the inside. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful to a person as physical abuse.
It is wrong for him to abuse you ---verbally or otherwise. Drunk of not! There is no get oout of jail card that makes abuse o.k.
It is simply wrong for him to do it and it is NOT your fault that he does it.
Think about how unfair that is to you----he p robably doesn't remember most of doing it (alcoholic blackouts)----and, yet you remember every detail and carry the hurt with you all the time.! (the alcohol wipes out much of the short term memory).
Oh yes the blackouts are when it gets really bad. Which are when the abusive behavior, cheating once, driving drunk, all of the inexcusable stuff happens. He doesn't usually remember though will recall bits and pieces if promoted by me. He used to excuse it with "I don't remember" but I've told him a million tones you know you do horrible things when drunk, if you then choose to drink then you choose those things too. He has also said sorry a million times to which I tell him only apologize when you intend to not repeat the "offense". He is quite real about the wrong choices but he just won't accept powerlessness to alcohol. Why not? I believe because his powerlessness to an abusive childhood and finding coping by way of alcohol sort of twists his views the powerlessness doesn't equal weakness.
[/QUOTE]I hope you do keep posting, over the long haul, and keep sharing as much of your story as you feel comfortable.
You can, also, offer support to others who may be going through the exact thing......As you already know---support---any support is very valuable on a forum such as this.[/QUOTE]
I plan to hang around. It does help to speak my thoughts and not suppress so much. Everyone is so helpful and i can truly feel like I can say how I really feel no sugarcoating.