My journey, my story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
My journey, my story
Been lurking here a long time, sorry that seems so creepy, finally wanting to share my story. I've been with my AH for about 10 years, married almost 4 years. We're both in our early 40's, no children. He's had issues with alcohol since his early teens. I am so disappointed with myself for what I have allowed myself to tolerate.
When drinking, he is angry, a bully, mean or clingy/overly affectionate. When not drinking he's who I fell in love with, my love and best friend all in one. He is a heavy drinker, binges for several days (up to 10 or so) and will not drink anywhere from a couple days to 2-3 weeks in between. He's been to detox a few times, a 60-day rehab September last year. He admits he's an alcoholic. I genuinely believe him that he hates this addiction but also know he never sticks to or makes a good recovery plan. He has a business now more run by his partner. He's destroyed relationships. I have endured abuse mostly verbal, emotional. I have his mom as my only support system. I don't have much close family, and they know almost nothing about this part of my life. They don't ask and I don't initiate/offer.
I spent a lot of time researching, understanding alcoholism in recent months mainly because I feel like I'm losing my sanity. I get it- I'm Co-dependent. I already had severe anxiety, depression before this. I thought I was so strong, overcame so much close family loss in the last 15 years including both parents. Why am I not strong enough to stop living this way?! I do want to leave. I cannot seem to spare enough to save, maybe this is yet another manipulation caused by living with an alcoholic. I also know when he's sober, life is pretty great, I fall back into false hope and lose focus on my end goal.
I come here to remember I don't have to feel alone, there is hope for me (at least for my wellbeing), and there are people that totally get life with an alcoholic. You all have done so much for me already just seeing the concern, compassion expressed to others.
I apologize for this excruciatingly long post. Hopefully now this breaks the ice for me and I can start posting not just lurking.
When drinking, he is angry, a bully, mean or clingy/overly affectionate. When not drinking he's who I fell in love with, my love and best friend all in one. He is a heavy drinker, binges for several days (up to 10 or so) and will not drink anywhere from a couple days to 2-3 weeks in between. He's been to detox a few times, a 60-day rehab September last year. He admits he's an alcoholic. I genuinely believe him that he hates this addiction but also know he never sticks to or makes a good recovery plan. He has a business now more run by his partner. He's destroyed relationships. I have endured abuse mostly verbal, emotional. I have his mom as my only support system. I don't have much close family, and they know almost nothing about this part of my life. They don't ask and I don't initiate/offer.
I spent a lot of time researching, understanding alcoholism in recent months mainly because I feel like I'm losing my sanity. I get it- I'm Co-dependent. I already had severe anxiety, depression before this. I thought I was so strong, overcame so much close family loss in the last 15 years including both parents. Why am I not strong enough to stop living this way?! I do want to leave. I cannot seem to spare enough to save, maybe this is yet another manipulation caused by living with an alcoholic. I also know when he's sober, life is pretty great, I fall back into false hope and lose focus on my end goal.
I come here to remember I don't have to feel alone, there is hope for me (at least for my wellbeing), and there are people that totally get life with an alcoholic. You all have done so much for me already just seeing the concern, compassion expressed to others.
I apologize for this excruciatingly long post. Hopefully now this breaks the ice for me and I can start posting not just lurking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HopeUnending.......I feel bad for you, that you feel trapped in such lonliness and feeling like you are losing your sanity.
First of all-----you are NOt losing your mind, so, get rid of that idea. Anxiety and depression don't mean that you are losing your mind!
living with active alcoholism can be very isolating for most people. Between trying to keep the alcoholic "happy" and trying to hide the "shame" from others.
we are by nature, social beings---so, long term isolation makes everything feel worse.
Even introverts need some kinds of feelings of close connections with other humans.
Also, it is never a good idea to put all of one's eggs in one basket-----like trying to get all of one's needs met by only one person in their life.
The abusive behavior tends to erode a person's self esteem and confidence----and increases the feelings of helplessness against it.
Make no mistake---words can wound---and leave scars on the inside. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful to a person as physical abuse.
It is wrong for him to abuse you ---verbally or otherwise. Drunk of not! There is no get oout of jail card that makes abuse o.k.
It is simply wrong for him to do it and it is NOT your fault that he does it.
Think about how unfair that is to you----he p robably doesn't remember most of doing it (alcoholic blackouts)----and, yet you remember every detail and carry the hurt with you all the time.! (the alcohol wipes out much of the short term memory).
I hope you do keep posting, over the long haul, and keep sharing as much of your story as you feel comfortable.
You can, also, offer support to others who may be going through the exact thing......As you already know---support---any support is very valuable on a forum such as this.
First of all-----you are NOt losing your mind, so, get rid of that idea. Anxiety and depression don't mean that you are losing your mind!
living with active alcoholism can be very isolating for most people. Between trying to keep the alcoholic "happy" and trying to hide the "shame" from others.
we are by nature, social beings---so, long term isolation makes everything feel worse.
Even introverts need some kinds of feelings of close connections with other humans.
Also, it is never a good idea to put all of one's eggs in one basket-----like trying to get all of one's needs met by only one person in their life.
The abusive behavior tends to erode a person's self esteem and confidence----and increases the feelings of helplessness against it.
Make no mistake---words can wound---and leave scars on the inside. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful to a person as physical abuse.
It is wrong for him to abuse you ---verbally or otherwise. Drunk of not! There is no get oout of jail card that makes abuse o.k.
It is simply wrong for him to do it and it is NOT your fault that he does it.
Think about how unfair that is to you----he p robably doesn't remember most of doing it (alcoholic blackouts)----and, yet you remember every detail and carry the hurt with you all the time.! (the alcohol wipes out much of the short term memory).
I hope you do keep posting, over the long haul, and keep sharing as much of your story as you feel comfortable.
You can, also, offer support to others who may be going through the exact thing......As you already know---support---any support is very valuable on a forum such as this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi HopeUnending, I'm glad you decided to post and honestly there is nothing creepy about reading around the forum before posting, I think most of us did just that, I know I did. I'm also glad you have done some research on alcoholism, it's kind of reassuring in a way to know what you are facing with your AH.
Anxiety and depression can be so debilitating, however, even without these two conditions, living with an alcoholic is no picnic, as you already know.
So the thing is, he is all those things. He is not the good guy who is your best friend and the abusive out of control guy, he is both and I think it can be really helpful to look at it realistically, otherwise you can get in to a pattern (as you say you are) of kind of "forgetting" the bad times. Kind of like having no food for a week then someone gives you a chocolate cake. Doesn't mean the two weeks didn't happen, but you are so grateful/relieved to have the cake it's easy to forget.
I'm going to guess when he is sober he says ohh don't worry about that, I didn't mean it, I was just drunk, and/or don't believe that stuff I say when I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm doing then.
Ok, that's fine, but how does that affect you? He can sweep it away, there is strong denial in alcoholism, but you can't, you live with that.
Abuse is not ok, physical or mental. I know you know this.
You ask why you can't bring yourself to leave, well I think a lot of it is the cake analogy, also, it's scary sometimes to leave, where will you go, what will you do, do you just leave him behind? Well yes, it can be hard, but only you can decide if you would like to have a safe and contented and happy life.
You are strong enough. What would be helpful is a plan, small steps, first things first, consult a lawyer, find out about separation/divorce in your country or state. Just a conversation so you know where you stand. Then you can start inquiring about other things. Where will you live, is there family you can stay with temporarily, would you like to rent an apartment, buy him out of your house if you own one (the lawyer can answer questions about this)? It's important not to get overwhelmed by this though, just one small step at a time so you have all the knowledge you need. You will be surprised at how much that will boost your confidence.
Anxiety and depression can be so debilitating, however, even without these two conditions, living with an alcoholic is no picnic, as you already know.
When not drinking he's who I fell in love with, my love and best friend all in one. He is a heavy drinker, binges for several days (up to 10 or so) and will not drink anywhere from a couple days to 2-3 weeks in between.
I'm going to guess when he is sober he says ohh don't worry about that, I didn't mean it, I was just drunk, and/or don't believe that stuff I say when I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm doing then.
Ok, that's fine, but how does that affect you? He can sweep it away, there is strong denial in alcoholism, but you can't, you live with that.
Abuse is not ok, physical or mental. I know you know this.
Why am I not strong enough to stop living this way?! I do want to leave.
You are strong enough. What would be helpful is a plan, small steps, first things first, consult a lawyer, find out about separation/divorce in your country or state. Just a conversation so you know where you stand. Then you can start inquiring about other things. Where will you live, is there family you can stay with temporarily, would you like to rent an apartment, buy him out of your house if you own one (the lawyer can answer questions about this)? It's important not to get overwhelmed by this though, just one small step at a time so you have all the knowledge you need. You will be surprised at how much that will boost your confidence.
Living in the moment
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 167
Learning about emotional abuse dynamics, reaching out to Domestic Violence Help centers and giving myself the gift of support, knowledge, etc. took as much time as I needed to have to emotionally and psychologically move forward. Awareness is a huge step in healthy directions when we allow it to be.
Good luck, it's okay to lurk here and also very wise to post as often as is needed/helpful. Sometimes in the beginning of our own recovery what is helpful is scary and feels "wrong". It's absolutely okay to have all feelings, a voice, to be silent when it's beneficial. (((hugs)))
Good luck, it's okay to lurk here and also very wise to post as often as is needed/helpful. Sometimes in the beginning of our own recovery what is helpful is scary and feels "wrong". It's absolutely okay to have all feelings, a voice, to be silent when it's beneficial. (((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dandylion 
HopeUnending.......I feel bad for you, that you feel trapped in such lonliness and feeling like you are losing your sanity.
First of all-----you are NOt losing your mind, so, get rid of that idea. Anxiety and depression don't mean that you are losing your mind!
living with active alcoholism can be very isolating for most people. Between trying to keep the alcoholic "happy" and trying to hide the "shame" from others.
we are by nature, social beings---so, long term isolation makes everything feel worse.
First of all-----you are NOt losing your mind, so, get rid of that idea. Anxiety and depression don't mean that you are losing your mind!
living with active alcoholism can be very isolating for most people. Between trying to keep the alcoholic "happy" and trying to hide the "shame" from others.
we are by nature, social beings---so, long term isolation makes everything feel worse.
Also, it is never a good idea to put all of one's eggs in one basket-----like trying to get all of one's needs met by only one person in their life.[/QUOTE]
I am a codependent by nature frim being a caregiver to both my parents before the died, my ex-husband victim of childhood abuse/sexual abuse, and now my AH. I find it hard to put this in other's shoulders because I know the weight of this burden. My MIL dealt with him and gets me/my burdens. I find tell all details to her but she 100% supportive to me. I feel guilty going to her but she is the only one I feel comfortable with and who doesn't judge me. My family, coworkers/friends would not support me staying nor tolerating what I have. Sadly I don't blame them for their views, I used to think that way too until I lived this. Now I get why some stay for a while/forever.
The abusive behavior tends to erode a person's self esteem and confidence----and increases the feelings of helplessness against it.
Make no mistake---words can wound---and leave scars on the inside. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful to a person as physical abuse.
It is wrong for him to abuse you ---verbally or otherwise. Drunk of not! There is no get oout of jail card that makes abuse o.k.
It is simply wrong for him to do it and it is NOT your fault that he does it.
Think about how unfair that is to you----he p robably doesn't remember most of doing it (alcoholic blackouts)----and, yet you remember every detail and carry the hurt with you all the time.! (the alcohol wipes out much of the short term memory).
Make no mistake---words can wound---and leave scars on the inside. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful to a person as physical abuse.
It is wrong for him to abuse you ---verbally or otherwise. Drunk of not! There is no get oout of jail card that makes abuse o.k.
It is simply wrong for him to do it and it is NOT your fault that he does it.
Think about how unfair that is to you----he p robably doesn't remember most of doing it (alcoholic blackouts)----and, yet you remember every detail and carry the hurt with you all the time.! (the alcohol wipes out much of the short term memory).
[/QUOTE]I hope you do keep posting, over the long haul, and keep sharing as much of your story as you feel comfortable.
You can, also, offer support to others who may be going through the exact thing......As you already know---support---any support is very valuable on a forum such as this.[/QUOTE]
I plan to hang around. It does help to speak my thoughts and not suppress so much. Everyone is so helpful and i can truly feel like I can say how I really feel no sugarcoating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Trailmix- thank you also for responding to me.
You ask why you can't bring yourself to leave, well I think a lot of it is the cake analogy, also, it's scary sometimes to leave, where will you go, what will you do, do you just leave him behind? Well yes, it can be hard, but only you can decide if you would like to have a safe and contented and happy life.[/QUOTE]
Oh wow that's exactly right. Yes! Its like I came for the "cake" but because the cake is my favorite I tolerate the crappy stuff for the small opportunities of cake. Very sobering thought.
"You are strong enough. What would be helpful is a plan, small steps, first things first, consult a lawyer, find out about separation/divorce in your country or state. Just a conversation so you know where you stand. Then you can start inquiring about other things. Where will you live, is there family you can stay with temporarily, would you like to rent an apartment, buy him out of your house if you own one (the lawyer can answer questions about this)? It's important not to get overwhelmed by this though, just one small step at a time so you have all the knowledge you need. You will be surprised at how much that will boost your confidence.[/QUOTE]
I think that it would really help to talk to a lawyer. It scares me to no end the thought of doing so. But it is a necessary means to get information.
I lost a lot of the other things you said I wanted to comment on, can't seem to get this quoting right. However I read them all and will continue to do so to help me gain more realistic truths less "my truths" to consider.
You ask why you can't bring yourself to leave, well I think a lot of it is the cake analogy, also, it's scary sometimes to leave, where will you go, what will you do, do you just leave him behind? Well yes, it can be hard, but only you can decide if you would like to have a safe and contented and happy life.[/QUOTE]
Oh wow that's exactly right. Yes! Its like I came for the "cake" but because the cake is my favorite I tolerate the crappy stuff for the small opportunities of cake. Very sobering thought.
"You are strong enough. What would be helpful is a plan, small steps, first things first, consult a lawyer, find out about separation/divorce in your country or state. Just a conversation so you know where you stand. Then you can start inquiring about other things. Where will you live, is there family you can stay with temporarily, would you like to rent an apartment, buy him out of your house if you own one (the lawyer can answer questions about this)? It's important not to get overwhelmed by this though, just one small step at a time so you have all the knowledge you need. You will be surprised at how much that will boost your confidence.[/QUOTE]
I think that it would really help to talk to a lawyer. It scares me to no end the thought of doing so. But it is a necessary means to get information.
I lost a lot of the other things you said I wanted to comment on, can't seem to get this quoting right. However I read them all and will continue to do so to help me gain more realistic truths less "my truths" to consider.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Nikegoddess112- Thank you! Yes the support here is already proving you all are a great family, friend to share this journey with.
I feel a bit better already gaining knowledge. Not just clinical alcoholism knowledge, but the raw emotional part of experiencing it up close and personal perspectives of others who know it firsthand- that is so helpful for me right now too.
I feel a bit better already gaining knowledge. Not just clinical alcoholism knowledge, but the raw emotional part of experiencing it up close and personal perspectives of others who know it firsthand- that is so helpful for me right now too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HopeUnendijing------I am giving you the following link to a website that I think might be helpful for you, right now. It is educational, in nature, and is lifted by state. Ut us nit meant to take place of your own lawyer, though.
It will help you to organize your own thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.
www.womansdivorce.com
It will help you to organize your own thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dandylion
HopeUnendijing------I am giving you the following link to a website that I think might be helpful for you, right now. It is educational, in nature, and is lifted by state. Ut us nit meant to take place of your own lawyer, though.
It will help you to organize your own thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.
It will help you to organize your own thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
For quoting, don't want to overwhelm you on your first day! But for instance, say you wanted to quote what dandylion said in her post to you in your reply. Below the box she replied in is a quote button on the lower right, just click on that to get the full text of what she said included in your reply, at the top. You can then just type your reply under it.
Now say you just want to quote one line of what she said. Just copy the one line to your clipboard (aka copy and paste function), click on quick reply and paste that one line in to your reply box. Highlight the one line then use the " option at the top of the reply box (formatting tool bar) to have it appear as a quote.
Hope some of that makes sense : ) You are doing fine!
Now say you just want to quote one line of what she said. Just copy the one line to your clipboard (aka copy and paste function), click on quick reply and paste that one line in to your reply box. Highlight the one line then use the " option at the top of the reply box (formatting tool bar) to have it appear as a quote.
Hope some of that makes sense : ) You are doing fine!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by HopeUnending
I think that it would really help to talk to a lawyer. It scares me to no end the thought of doing so. But it is a necessary means to get information.
Here is the thing and the key to not letting it get overwhelming, the house isn't actually on fire (yay!). You can take your time, if you find yourself with tumbling thoughts, I need to call a lawyer and speak to them, then what, do I go file for divorce do I tell him right away, where will I live, can I afford to buy him out or buy my own place how long will it take to sell the house, do I want to do this, it seems so final etc etc.
Oh my, how overwhelming is that??
Just take a deep breath. Absolutely none of this has to be actioned or decided this minute. As long as you are taking the next right step for yourself, you'll get it done in good time.
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