Holiday Angst
I'm sorry in advance of writing this thread. I really just need to get it off my chest already.
I hate this time of the year. It makes me so depressed and I feel worthless and gloomy. I feel obligated to my partners family who I really don't care for and feel forced to mingle with them and put on a happy face. The last thing I feel like doing at this time of the year is smiling. I'm estranged from most of my family and my mother has been missing for years now. I feel alone and unwanted and I feel tired out from trying to put on a front to show to my partners family. Mix it all up with a healthy dose of alcohol at his families house and all I can think about is when is this going to be over!! The holidays shouldn't feel like torture but for me they do.
I was wrapping some gifts this morning and burst into tears. Had a hysterical crying jag and feel a little better afterwards, but I know this will not be the only breakdown for me over the next week. Truth be told, I miss my estranged family even though they are toxic for me. I miss my mother and wish I knew if she was alive or dead. Even though my family are not ideal, they are still the people that I love deep down inside and not hearing from them hurts. It hurts throughout the year, but the holidays puts such a focus on spending time with your family and all that I feel overwhelmed.
I know that I should get out of myself and do something for others, but I just get so wrapped up in my own stuff that I can't even fathom getting out of bed to do anything.
The silver lining on this cloud is that I am sober today and dealing with this sober is better than how I used to deal with it drunk. My actions while drinking would get that much more unpredictable over the holidays, so at least I'm sober and safe.