Holiday Angst
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: canada
Posts: 170
Holiday Angst
I'm sorry in advance of writing this thread. I really just need to get it off my chest already.
I hate this time of the year. It makes me so depressed and I feel worthless and gloomy. I feel obligated to my partners family who I really don't care for and feel forced to mingle with them and put on a happy face. The last thing I feel like doing at this time of the year is smiling. I'm estranged from most of my family and my mother has been missing for years now. I feel alone and unwanted and I feel tired out from trying to put on a front to show to my partners family. Mix it all up with a healthy dose of alcohol at his families house and all I can think about is when is this going to be over!! The holidays shouldn't feel like torture but for me they do.
I was wrapping some gifts this morning and burst into tears. Had a hysterical crying jag and feel a little better afterwards, but I know this will not be the only breakdown for me over the next week. Truth be told, I miss my estranged family even though they are toxic for me. I miss my mother and wish I knew if she was alive or dead. Even though my family are not ideal, they are still the people that I love deep down inside and not hearing from them hurts. It hurts throughout the year, but the holidays puts such a focus on spending time with your family and all that I feel overwhelmed.
I know that I should get out of myself and do something for others, but I just get so wrapped up in my own stuff that I can't even fathom getting out of bed to do anything.
The silver lining on this cloud is that I am sober today and dealing with this sober is better than how I used to deal with it drunk. My actions while drinking would get that much more unpredictable over the holidays, so at least I'm sober and safe.
I hate this time of the year. It makes me so depressed and I feel worthless and gloomy. I feel obligated to my partners family who I really don't care for and feel forced to mingle with them and put on a happy face. The last thing I feel like doing at this time of the year is smiling. I'm estranged from most of my family and my mother has been missing for years now. I feel alone and unwanted and I feel tired out from trying to put on a front to show to my partners family. Mix it all up with a healthy dose of alcohol at his families house and all I can think about is when is this going to be over!! The holidays shouldn't feel like torture but for me they do.
I was wrapping some gifts this morning and burst into tears. Had a hysterical crying jag and feel a little better afterwards, but I know this will not be the only breakdown for me over the next week. Truth be told, I miss my estranged family even though they are toxic for me. I miss my mother and wish I knew if she was alive or dead. Even though my family are not ideal, they are still the people that I love deep down inside and not hearing from them hurts. It hurts throughout the year, but the holidays puts such a focus on spending time with your family and all that I feel overwhelmed.
I know that I should get out of myself and do something for others, but I just get so wrapped up in my own stuff that I can't even fathom getting out of bed to do anything.
The silver lining on this cloud is that I am sober today and dealing with this sober is better than how I used to deal with it drunk. My actions while drinking would get that much more unpredictable over the holidays, so at least I'm sober and safe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
I'm with you.... holidays are downright tough sometimes. This is my first Christmas I can't talk to my Mom. All those times I thought she was a PIA, the times I took for granted talking to her on the phone, now I'd love to have just a few minutes to chat... God grant me the Serenity...
jade -- what kind of word is ANGST??? Just the sight of that word makes me tremble!!!!
How about Holiday discomfort? Holiday uneasiness? But ANGST??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hope I made you smile just a bit, it is true though that sometimes I need to change my vocabulary to help myself feel better.
Keep posting your feelings, and stay close to AA and your sponsor through the silly season.... I have avoided most parties this season just because I have not felt 100% spiritually. I'll forget this Holiday Season after time, but if I get too wound up and drink, I'll certainly never forget that....
Try to have a happy holiday, jade... wishing you the best...
Ken
jade -- what kind of word is ANGST??? Just the sight of that word makes me tremble!!!!
How about Holiday discomfort? Holiday uneasiness? But ANGST??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hope I made you smile just a bit, it is true though that sometimes I need to change my vocabulary to help myself feel better.Keep posting your feelings, and stay close to AA and your sponsor through the silly season.... I have avoided most parties this season just because I have not felt 100% spiritually. I'll forget this Holiday Season after time, but if I get too wound up and drink, I'll certainly never forget that....
Try to have a happy holiday, jade... wishing you the best...
Ken
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Norman Rockwell lied. 
I say I am doing great..
But....why am I now smoking double and biting my nails?
J...my adult son has been missing 9 years.
I know your pain. Hugs
I say I am doing great..
But....why am I now smoking double and biting my nails?
J...my adult son has been missing 9 years.
I know your pain. Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,525
J'ade,
I'm sorry about your mother & family. This can be such an awful, stressful time of year. Holidays should not be this way, but they are for lots of us. All the family garbage comes out. I can relate to your feeling pressure to put on a good "performance" this time of year. So exhausting.
You need a good hug. ((((j'ade))))
Take care of yourself, and when you're in the midst of that gathering, remember all of us folks here who are thinking of you.
Jane
I'm sorry about your mother & family. This can be such an awful, stressful time of year. Holidays should not be this way, but they are for lots of us. All the family garbage comes out. I can relate to your feeling pressure to put on a good "performance" this time of year. So exhausting.
You need a good hug. ((((j'ade))))
Take care of yourself, and when you're in the midst of that gathering, remember all of us folks here who are thinking of you.
Jane
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Ditto on this season not being a favorite... and on having a painfully dysfunctional family that you love with all your heart.
I'm sorry about your mom and your family... but I'm glad you're sober. We'll all get through this.
Thank you for sharing.
--anne
I'm sorry about your mom and your family... but I'm glad you're sober. We'll all get through this.
Thank you for sharing.
--anne
Still learning; ever grateful
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: VA
Posts: 842
Awwwd, JD!!
Just read your thread w/ tears in my eyes. I'm SO sorry about your family and how the holidays make you feel. I'd say come over to my house, but my family isn't much better, even w/ the loss of my dad last year. You'd think they'd get it together, but a few of them (NOT my mom and I) still insist on making the holidays difficult, reducing mom and I to tears all the time.
I'll keep you in my prayers, honey, that we, and everyone having a hard time, get through sober. YOU are worth it. Dang, wish I were there to give you a hug and tell you how awesome you are.
Remember, your family here at SR loves you!!!!
Big time virtual hugs,
DG
I'll keep you in my prayers, honey, that we, and everyone having a hard time, get through sober. YOU are worth it. Dang, wish I were there to give you a hug and tell you how awesome you are.
Remember, your family here at SR loves you!!!!
Big time virtual hugs,
DG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: canada
Posts: 170
Thanks you guys for listening to me when I needed to vent!! I seem to be having to do this alot lately, and it's nice to know that people who understand where I am coming from will lend me a shoulder when I need it. I don't go to AA so I don't have a lot of face to face contact with others in recovery.
After I wrote this post this morning, I went out for a bit and ran some errands. Came home to read these posts and while I was reading them I checked my messages and my counsellor had phoned to say that she was thinking of me, that she knew this was a difficult time for me and she hoped that I was keeping sober. Both the people on this site and my counsellor at the same time, saying they cared about me and that they cared about my sobriety!! What an excellent thing to come home to!
It was worth it to stay sober today!!
After I wrote this post this morning, I went out for a bit and ran some errands. Came home to read these posts and while I was reading them I checked my messages and my counsellor had phoned to say that she was thinking of me, that she knew this was a difficult time for me and she hoped that I was keeping sober. Both the people on this site and my counsellor at the same time, saying they cared about me and that they cared about my sobriety!! What an excellent thing to come home to!
It was worth it to stay sober today!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
I was just sent this by a friend. I hope it can help someone who is having a hard time coping this time of year.
Ten Ways to Beat the Holiday Blues
By Elizabeth Lesser
1. Be realistic. A friend of mine says, “Reality is unavoidable." The reality of many people's holidays includes too much to do and not enough time, too much to purchase and not enough money, and too much to eat and not enough willpower. On the other hand, some people experience not enough family, fun, and friendship. Fighting against the reality of your life at this moment will only make you bluer. Instead, be kind to yourself, seek support, and laugh at yourself and the world every now and then.
2. Create your own traditions. As families change and grow, traditions change as well. For example, if you are a working woman who had a stay-at-home mother, instead of trying to reproduce the exact old-fashioned holiday of your childhood, do what you can do. As long as you do them with a joyful heart, the meals or decorations or celebrations you create will become your family's cherished rituals. Or if you are divorced, be as harmonious and generous as you can with your ex. It will be the best gift you give to your kids this year. If you are single or far away from your family, invite others into your home and give the words “extended family" new meaning.
3. Help others. Not because you should, but because it is the best antidote to self-pity and seasonal sadness. Find someone who is struggling more than you are, lend them a helping hand, and remember the real meaning of the holidays.
4. Seek sacred space. Drop into a Christian church or Muslim mosque or Jewish synagogue or Hindu temple or . . . you get the idea. Sometimes just sitting in sacred space can remind you of the true meaning of the holidays. Most places of worship welcome all people, even those just looking for a touch of grace in the midst of a stressful day. Instead of hurrying by that church you have passed a hundred times on the way to work, take a moment to enter its doors and sit quietly, imbibing the atmosphere and the prayers of its members.
5. Take care of your own temple: Your body. Eat well, drink a lot of water, exercise, and then be merry. Instead of making one more feeble New Year's resolution to join a gym or take a yoga class, do it right now. You will be amazed at how just the littlest bit of movement will lift your spirits, and how reducing the amount of junk food, sugar, and alcohol you consume will reduce your blues. And sleep—for goodness' sake, do whatever it takes to get enough of it. Sleep deprivation is at the root of many people's depression.
6. Be financially responsible. Don't close your eyes the next time you use your credit card. Overspending during the holidays will not only increase your stress now, but will also leave you feeling anxious for months afterward as you struggle to pay the bills. Buck the holiday system of excessive gift-giving, and practice simplicity, creativity, and basic human kindness.
7. Breathe. Several times during your busy day, put down what you're holding (in your hand or your head)—your shopping lists, your third cup of coffee, your date book, the phone call you should be making—and sit quietly for just 60 seconds. Take in a full breath, let it pool gently in the bottom of your lungs, and then release it slowly. Inhale deeply again, and exhale with an audible sigh. If you're at work, don't worry what your colleagues might think—this time of year everyone would love to sigh deeply, and often. Inhale again; exhale with a long "aaahh". With each exhalation, let your shoulders drop and your jaw relax. Do this a couple of times, with your eyes closed. Let the "aaahh" sound emerge from your belly, move up into your heart, and drift out into space as you exhale, slowly, smoothly, steadily.
8. Grieve. If a friend or family member has recently died honor their memory. Create an altar with pictures of those you love; light candles every night for someone you have lost; play sacred music and allow yourself to cry, remember, heal.
9. Forgive. Forgiveness is the salve that heals a broken spirit. Forgive all sorts of people this holiday season—those from your past, your work, your family, and the ones in the news you love to hate. Read the stories of people (like Martin Luther King, Jr., or Pumla Gobodo Madikizela, of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Committee) who have used forgiveness to move mountains. If they can do it, so can we.
10. Love... everything. Love it all. From the corny Christmas music to the house guests who won't leave. Love even the hard times; even the cranky and crooked people of the world; even yourself, with all of your imperfections.
IMPORTANT! The advice in this article will help those of us who feel occasional stress and sadness during the holidays. Kenneth Johnson, M.D., a psychiatrist at Columbia St. Mary's in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, says, "You don't have to have full-blown depression to experience the holiday blues... But if you have a period of more than two weeks where you have a depressed mood, crying spells, sleep problems, feelings of guilt and thoughts of death or suicide, you probably have a major depression and should seek medical care. You're moving beyond the holiday blues."
Ten Ways to Beat the Holiday Blues
By Elizabeth Lesser
1. Be realistic. A friend of mine says, “Reality is unavoidable." The reality of many people's holidays includes too much to do and not enough time, too much to purchase and not enough money, and too much to eat and not enough willpower. On the other hand, some people experience not enough family, fun, and friendship. Fighting against the reality of your life at this moment will only make you bluer. Instead, be kind to yourself, seek support, and laugh at yourself and the world every now and then.
2. Create your own traditions. As families change and grow, traditions change as well. For example, if you are a working woman who had a stay-at-home mother, instead of trying to reproduce the exact old-fashioned holiday of your childhood, do what you can do. As long as you do them with a joyful heart, the meals or decorations or celebrations you create will become your family's cherished rituals. Or if you are divorced, be as harmonious and generous as you can with your ex. It will be the best gift you give to your kids this year. If you are single or far away from your family, invite others into your home and give the words “extended family" new meaning.
3. Help others. Not because you should, but because it is the best antidote to self-pity and seasonal sadness. Find someone who is struggling more than you are, lend them a helping hand, and remember the real meaning of the holidays.
4. Seek sacred space. Drop into a Christian church or Muslim mosque or Jewish synagogue or Hindu temple or . . . you get the idea. Sometimes just sitting in sacred space can remind you of the true meaning of the holidays. Most places of worship welcome all people, even those just looking for a touch of grace in the midst of a stressful day. Instead of hurrying by that church you have passed a hundred times on the way to work, take a moment to enter its doors and sit quietly, imbibing the atmosphere and the prayers of its members.
5. Take care of your own temple: Your body. Eat well, drink a lot of water, exercise, and then be merry. Instead of making one more feeble New Year's resolution to join a gym or take a yoga class, do it right now. You will be amazed at how just the littlest bit of movement will lift your spirits, and how reducing the amount of junk food, sugar, and alcohol you consume will reduce your blues. And sleep—for goodness' sake, do whatever it takes to get enough of it. Sleep deprivation is at the root of many people's depression.
6. Be financially responsible. Don't close your eyes the next time you use your credit card. Overspending during the holidays will not only increase your stress now, but will also leave you feeling anxious for months afterward as you struggle to pay the bills. Buck the holiday system of excessive gift-giving, and practice simplicity, creativity, and basic human kindness.
7. Breathe. Several times during your busy day, put down what you're holding (in your hand or your head)—your shopping lists, your third cup of coffee, your date book, the phone call you should be making—and sit quietly for just 60 seconds. Take in a full breath, let it pool gently in the bottom of your lungs, and then release it slowly. Inhale deeply again, and exhale with an audible sigh. If you're at work, don't worry what your colleagues might think—this time of year everyone would love to sigh deeply, and often. Inhale again; exhale with a long "aaahh". With each exhalation, let your shoulders drop and your jaw relax. Do this a couple of times, with your eyes closed. Let the "aaahh" sound emerge from your belly, move up into your heart, and drift out into space as you exhale, slowly, smoothly, steadily.
8. Grieve. If a friend or family member has recently died honor their memory. Create an altar with pictures of those you love; light candles every night for someone you have lost; play sacred music and allow yourself to cry, remember, heal.
9. Forgive. Forgiveness is the salve that heals a broken spirit. Forgive all sorts of people this holiday season—those from your past, your work, your family, and the ones in the news you love to hate. Read the stories of people (like Martin Luther King, Jr., or Pumla Gobodo Madikizela, of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Committee) who have used forgiveness to move mountains. If they can do it, so can we.
10. Love... everything. Love it all. From the corny Christmas music to the house guests who won't leave. Love even the hard times; even the cranky and crooked people of the world; even yourself, with all of your imperfections.
IMPORTANT! The advice in this article will help those of us who feel occasional stress and sadness during the holidays. Kenneth Johnson, M.D., a psychiatrist at Columbia St. Mary's in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, says, "You don't have to have full-blown depression to experience the holiday blues... But if you have a period of more than two weeks where you have a depressed mood, crying spells, sleep problems, feelings of guilt and thoughts of death or suicide, you probably have a major depression and should seek medical care. You're moving beyond the holiday blues."
Been there and done.
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Girly Girl, that was incredibly moving and valuable.
I would add to the above: it's OK to mix it up. Traditions are great, but its also Ok to change the pattern now and then. If you need a breather from the inlaws, do your own thing some holiday season. When I started spending holidays with friends from time to time, I really started enjoying my holidays again.
Blessings, all.
I would add to the above: it's OK to mix it up. Traditions are great, but its also Ok to change the pattern now and then. If you need a breather from the inlaws, do your own thing some holiday season. When I started spending holidays with friends from time to time, I really started enjoying my holidays again.
Blessings, all.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by j'ade d'arcy
Both the people on this site and my counsellor at the same time, saying they cared about me and that they cared about my sobriety!! What an excellent thing to come home to!
It was worth it to stay sober today!!
It was worth it to stay sober today!!
I have cried my way through many Christmas days and family get togethers. I have lost some close family members too. Now I try to focus on the positives in everything, where there is none I protect myself. I still cry but it gets less. Thinking of you and praying for your peace.
love Brigid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: canada
Posts: 170
Well, I decided this morning that I've had enough of my christmas angst and decided to change my attitude instead. Not that I'm not still hurting, but I'm trying to accept those feelings instead of allowing myself to wallow in them. After all, when I was actively using, wallowing in self pity was one of my favorite pasttimes. Time to start a new tradition!!!
Took some time for myself today, played music that I like, cleaned up my apartment and set up my tree. The last time I set that tree up, two years ago, I was drinking, crying and living in a self created hell. This year, I enjoyed myself, put up some lights, drank some coffee and actually felt the pleasure of this christmas tradition.
Just wanted to share this little bit of joy that I had today.
Took some time for myself today, played music that I like, cleaned up my apartment and set up my tree. The last time I set that tree up, two years ago, I was drinking, crying and living in a self created hell. This year, I enjoyed myself, put up some lights, drank some coffee and actually felt the pleasure of this christmas tradition.
Just wanted to share this little bit of joy that I had today.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I have so much to be thankful for, but I have such a hard time at Christmas. The good memories of Christmas past have been replaced with unsettling ones and I have a hard time shaking that. Christmas has become a painful reminder of what a struggle life can be. Dear j'ade d'arcy, know that you are not alone. It is comforting to know that there are others who struggle with the same feelings as I. Holiday angst...yeah...I'm in. It appears I have had to much time off and need to return to work. I have had way to much time on my hands to think. Take care of yourself. The New Year approaches with endless possibilities. Most of them positive ones if we make the right choices.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: canada
Posts: 170
Big sigh of relief over here that it's all over for another year.
Christmas Eve day was difficult, had a few little crying fits and then got myself together to attend a party with my partner's family. I was shocked that his mother actually came up and offered me a non-alcoholic drink when I walked in. She has been the one who has had a difficulty with the fact that I and my partner do not drink any longer. (last year her gift to me was a chess set drinking game....two months out of rehab!!) This year, she didn't pressure me to join in the drinking, she seemed to respect the fact that I wasn't drinking and did not push it at all. I have really seperated myself from his family in this past year because they were not accepting of the abstaining on my part, and I think that his mother in particular has decided to just leave it be!! How perfect is that!! That is all I wanted her to do, just leave it be and my wish seems to have been granted.
Also did not crave watching everyone else drinking. In fact, felt quite comfortable with my sobriety. Did not feel jealous or resentful that they were all drinking and I was not. In fact, I didn't obsess about any of it in the manner that I usually do. I didn't even find myself counting how many other people were having which is usually what I do when I am around others who are drinking. I just did not let it effect me.
My father actually called me on Christmas morning. That was a surprise. He asked about my program and how I was getting along with it. He seemed pleased that I am one year and two months clean (today by the way!!!).
He did mention that he was spending Christmas alone, and I started to get a guilty feeling, but then I talked to my partner and realized that if he had wanted us to spend time with him over the holidays, he has my phone number and could have arranged something before the morning of. I agreed to see him in the new year. I'm not sure when that will be, I will need to discuss it with my counsellor before I make any decisions on that. It was hopeful to hear from him, despite some of the conversation it generally was a positive one. I don't know, it's confusing with him. He has hurt me and I have hurt him so badly in the past that it is difficult to imagine having a normal relationship. Quite possibly it is impossible. I will try to keep an open mind about having one with him, however my sobriety and peace of mind comes first and if I feel threatened I will have to cut him off again. He has some serious issues with me that have more to do with my mother, but I am the visible reminder of these issues. He sometimes will profess to want a relationship with me and then use it against me, I can't allow myself to be used as his whipping dog anymore simply because of my mothers adultry. It is not fair to me and it is just not healthy. Time will tell if he is serious this time and not just trying to play a head game. I'm too tired for that anymore.
Christmas Eve day was difficult, had a few little crying fits and then got myself together to attend a party with my partner's family. I was shocked that his mother actually came up and offered me a non-alcoholic drink when I walked in. She has been the one who has had a difficulty with the fact that I and my partner do not drink any longer. (last year her gift to me was a chess set drinking game....two months out of rehab!!) This year, she didn't pressure me to join in the drinking, she seemed to respect the fact that I wasn't drinking and did not push it at all. I have really seperated myself from his family in this past year because they were not accepting of the abstaining on my part, and I think that his mother in particular has decided to just leave it be!! How perfect is that!! That is all I wanted her to do, just leave it be and my wish seems to have been granted.
Also did not crave watching everyone else drinking. In fact, felt quite comfortable with my sobriety. Did not feel jealous or resentful that they were all drinking and I was not. In fact, I didn't obsess about any of it in the manner that I usually do. I didn't even find myself counting how many other people were having which is usually what I do when I am around others who are drinking. I just did not let it effect me.
My father actually called me on Christmas morning. That was a surprise. He asked about my program and how I was getting along with it. He seemed pleased that I am one year and two months clean (today by the way!!!).
He did mention that he was spending Christmas alone, and I started to get a guilty feeling, but then I talked to my partner and realized that if he had wanted us to spend time with him over the holidays, he has my phone number and could have arranged something before the morning of. I agreed to see him in the new year. I'm not sure when that will be, I will need to discuss it with my counsellor before I make any decisions on that. It was hopeful to hear from him, despite some of the conversation it generally was a positive one. I don't know, it's confusing with him. He has hurt me and I have hurt him so badly in the past that it is difficult to imagine having a normal relationship. Quite possibly it is impossible. I will try to keep an open mind about having one with him, however my sobriety and peace of mind comes first and if I feel threatened I will have to cut him off again. He has some serious issues with me that have more to do with my mother, but I am the visible reminder of these issues. He sometimes will profess to want a relationship with me and then use it against me, I can't allow myself to be used as his whipping dog anymore simply because of my mothers adultry. It is not fair to me and it is just not healthy. Time will tell if he is serious this time and not just trying to play a head game. I'm too tired for that anymore.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by j'ade d'arcy
Also did not crave watching everyone else drinking. In fact, felt quite comfortable with my sobriety. Did not feel jealous or resentful that they were all drinking and I was not. In fact, I didn't obsess about any of it in the manner that I usually do. I didn't even find myself counting how many other people were having which is usually what I do when I am around others who are drinking. I just did not let it effect me.
good luck with your dad, I think it is very healthy to know and set your boundaries.
love brigid
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