I appreciate you still taking my feelings into consideration. I know a lot of people think it's shallow, vain, tell me so many people would trade places with me in a heartbeat to be able to live even with all the skin disorders. With all of the physical and mental pain I endure. I had my first panic attack at the age of 5. By the time I was 10 I was already on antidepressants because I was relentlessly bullied for my acne. It became so bad I had to homeschool.
My skin cleared up and I had a normal life. I started getting attention from boys, people treated me so much different in general. Children didn't recoil from me. It made me place so much importance on my physical appearance because I didn't remember waking up happy like that since I was very young. I touched alcohol at 23, drank normally until I was 25 or 26 and then I had a problem. Acne was something I couldn't control. I couldn't just wash my face or go see a dermatologist. A dermatologist eventually did solve my problem, but it took almost a decade to find the right one. But I could have simply stopped drinking and saved myself so much pain and heartache. Living every day knowing that I did this to myself and there's nothing I can do to fix it makes me never want to wake up in the morning.
I want to go longer sober, more than anything but I have so many unanswered questions. I can't afford any doctor except doctor google. And I hate that I keep finding so many websites that make me throw my hands up in the air and wonder why am I even doing this. And since no case is the same it's not like I can just compare my situation to anyone else's.