@dandylion Love love love your response. Spot on. The elephant has been getting fatter for the past almost two years. The relationship isn’t strictly platonic as there are feelings but no specific dating. Both coming out of long term relationships with narcissists. I chose to look within myself to heal. He has chosen alcohol to cope with the resulting low self esteem and confidence.
I have recently distanced and detached. The Language Of Letting Go has really helped. For this relationship as well as understanding what happened in my marriage to an alcoholic narcissist and in dealing with a narcissistic parent. This current “friendship” has been the first in which I’ve put in some boundaries and been completely honest about my feelings. I have in the past said to him that all the talk couldn’t be about drinking. And he has respected that. It is far less than it used to be. I think he just can’t “help it” when his life revolves around friendships with other heavy drinkers. I guess the fact that he stills drinks is bound to come up in conversation. I’ve told him that it wasn’t funny to me anymore how drunk he gets.
He is a very good and kind man who has gone through some traumas and hasn’t found the right coping mechanisms. So I have set boundaries in some ways. I guess the hard part is that I haven’t set boundaries for most of my life with my ex husband or parent. It is just new and uncomfortable to set them I guess, which is why I probably felt bad that I completely ignored and didn’t respond to his text.
I guess my other question would be: if he knows that his life revolves around drinking and I can’t have that in my life, why does he keep coming back to me? I’ve set boundaries about talking about drinking. I know he has the utmost respect for me. I wonder if deep down he is looking for someone to be honest with him about his drinking.