Hey ff, I really hope you find your way out.
I'm going to check in to Jesus Camp in a few days because nothing else has worked. I hope it's not like AA where it basically makes me think I'm not that bad and screw all this religious crap and I'm going to the pub because at least those guys are fun even if they are a bunch of pathetic drunks.
If AA were open, I'd try it again. I'm that desperate. Zoom meetings just annoy me even more than physical meetings because one of the triggers I'm dealing with is the stupid overreaction to this chest cold and how awful people are at basic math that they let themselves be controlled and muzzled and physically separated from other human beings (an old form of psychological torture) etc.
Wish me luck at Jesus Camp! Can't be any worse than the despair I feel after blowing my sobriety for the 1000th time.
Good luck with AVRT. That kept me sober for about a year last time.