I'm not in the same boat, but the COVID thing knocked me off the wagon and is making it harder to stay on. For me it's just nihilism, like, why would I want to see this world clearly? Who cares if drinking knocks me out of this world a few years early? That's the line of thought that is dangerous for me, and it rears its head frequently.
One thing I do know is that I feel not-quite-as-rotten even with just a few days of sobriety, but that AV has been a lot louder and more convincing in recent months for sure. One day at a time, as they say...