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08-21-2020, 07:49 AM

# 19 (permalink)

CRRHCC

Member

Join Date: Sep 2017

Location: Los Angeles, Ca

Posts: 535

Quote:

Originally Posted by CitizenSober

Howdy,
New here, just kind of need to get some stuff out of my head.
I'm 2 years sober as of 8/11/2020 and it just keeps being hard. I will not say it hasn't gotten better than it was. I have a physically demanding job out in the elements and I find myself struggling with life in general over the last 2 years, then I came to a realization; Life was easier because alcohol makes it easy to endure just about any hardship. Now those of you have a substance problem can probably agree that one can begin to understand the power of alcohol from an outside prospective. It made my life worth living (as sad and pathetic as that is) everything was good when I was drinking and nothing sucked. No unforeseen car problems, working in the sun, or last minute over time could bring me down, I was happy all the time. Either because I was drunk, or at very least there was whiskey waiting for me on my desk when all the hard work was done was over. I always had something to do and something to look forward to after a hard days work. Anything life threw at me was manageable because I was never more than 8 hours away from a shot (or 15) of whiskey.

Then I quit and now I cannot deal with anything life throws at me. I am in constant fear. Afraid of relapsing, afraid of loosing my job, afraid my car will break down and I have no way to fix it. Afraid of everything. I have also lost (among other things) my ability to cope with the slightest amount of adversity. I simply shut down and cannot process the hardship.
Then from time to time, when things get really bad, I feel that nasty sting! The urge I can never satisfy, the itch that will go unscratched for the rest of my life. The god awful searing craving for a nice fat double shot of scotch whiskey. Which of course I cannot ever have again, but my body wants it, my brain wants it, everything inside of me that is capable of feeling wants that shot.
So on top of not being able to cope in general I have a new hardship before me.
All of this has shown me the power of alcohol...it is unreal and after 2 years I still feel the void left by that power being gone.

I do not believe in AA but I do believe in fellowship. So I just wanted to get that off my chest, to a group of people who know what I'm going through.
Despite the negative picture I just painted, I will NEVER drink again, I view cravings as a bully who's trying to beat the crap out of me. I cannot defeat him, I cannot even touch him...but I can bob and weave and dodge the blows he sends at me (although that gets quite exhausting) but I will never be sucker punched by that fool ever again.

Google the book, "The Freedom Model for Addiction: Escape the Treatment and Recover Trap."
Forget everything you have been taught, told, or read about addiction and consider this. . We are all driven to seek happiness (reward). All human behavior is driven by the pursuit of happiness (reward) and that, when you choose to do something, you do so because you see it as your best available option for happiness at that given moment in time. When you get drunk, you do so because at that time, you felt it would make you feel better (happier). When you don't get drunk, you chose to do so because you realize you can be still be happy or maybe even more happy when you are sober. Unlike a child, you maturely look at long term consequences. Sure, it's hard at first because you have been on autopilot for years. But the more you think about it, the more sense it makes. When you take the time to do a cost benefit analysis you can see where you find more value, more happiness. I spent more than 4 decades on autopilot, using the quick fix or mood changer of chemicals to reverse my feelings of helplessness (fear). Finding temporary happiness in chemicals.
This was a learned behavior. Who would have thought it can be unlearned when we actually discover other important values and purpose in life that are actually more important than getting wasted.