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The Power of Alcohol

Old 08-20-2020, 05:25 PM
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The Power of Alcohol

Howdy,
New here, just kind of need to get some stuff out of my head.
I'm 2 years sober as of 8/11/2020 and it just keeps being hard. I will not say it hasn't gotten better than it was. I have a physically demanding job out in the elements and I find myself struggling with life in general over the last 2 years, then I came to a realization; Life was easier because alcohol makes it easy to endure just about any hardship. Now those of you have a substance problem can probably agree that one can begin to understand the power of alcohol from an outside prospective. It made my life worth living (as sad and pathetic as that is) everything was good when I was drinking and nothing sucked. No unforeseen car problems, working in the sun, or last minute over time could bring me down, I was happy all the time. Either because I was drunk, or at very least there was whiskey waiting for me on my desk when all the hard work was done was over. I always had something to do and something to look forward to after a hard days work. Anything life threw at me was manageable because I was never more than 8 hours away from a shot (or 15) of whiskey.

Then I quit and now I cannot deal with anything life throws at me. I am in constant fear. Afraid of relapsing, afraid of loosing my job, afraid my car will break down and I have no way to fix it. Afraid of everything. I have also lost (among other things) my ability to cope with the slightest amount of adversity. I simply shut down and cannot process the hardship.
Then from time to time, when things get really bad, I feel that nasty sting! The urge I can never satisfy, the itch that will go unscratched for the rest of my life. The god awful searing craving for a nice fat double shot of scotch whiskey. Which of course I cannot ever have again, but my body wants it, my brain wants it, everything inside of me that is capable of feeling wants that shot.
So on top of not being able to cope in general I have a new hardship before me.
All of this has shown me the power of alcohol...it is unreal and after 2 years I still feel the void left by that power being gone.

I do not believe in AA but I do believe in fellowship. So I just wanted to get that off my chest, to a group of people who know what I'm going through.
Despite the negative picture I just painted, I will NEVER drink again, I view cravings as a bully who's trying to beat the crap out of me. I cannot defeat him, I cannot even touch him...but I can bob and weave and dodge the blows he sends at me (although that gets quite exhausting) but I will never be sucker punched by that fool ever again.
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Old 08-20-2020, 06:27 PM
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Hmm, that is definitely one take on it. I know you mentioned you do not believe in AA, but AA takes away all that grandiose thinking about alcohol and replaces it with a desire to live my best life. Alcohol to me is a lie, it does not make my life better. In fact my relationship with alcohol is almost solely negative. Broken relationships, failing heath, trouble with the law, isolation, depression. Now do I LOVE the feeling of slipping away from reality with a good drunk? You betcha! But I’ve come to associate drinking with far more negative than positive. To me the alcohol isn’t as powerful when I am in a healthy mindset. When I am not working on myself and I get back into living selfishly alcohol’s power increases dramatically.

But great job on your sobriety. That is more sobriety than I’ve ever had, so it sounds like you’ve figured something out!!
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Old 08-20-2020, 07:05 PM
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I know how you feel....in 2005 I got sober for 8 years...and the first 2 years for me were really a miracle because I sounded just like you...I felt that everything in my life got worse and it actually DID....Somewhere after the 2 year part thou...the white knuckling...finally stopped...But I did drink again in 2014.....and haven't been able to stop again...except for now having 35 days...Its good you will not pick up a drink.....because nothing good really follows it even if your brain is telling you it does...your brain is changed from the alcohol...and if you can watch the documentary on You Tube "Wasted".(Dee shared it here a while ago and I watched it)..there is a part in that documentary where they actually did a scientific test on rats....giving them a drug to change their brains back to not wanting alcohol basically.....I tried to get the drug prescribed this time around but my insurance sux...and I will be changing it in November and getting on this drug ASAP.



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Old 08-20-2020, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by CitizenSober View Post
Howdy,
... I find myself struggling with life in general over the last 2 years,...
Then from time to time, when things get really bad, I feel that nasty sting! The urge I can never satisfy, the itch that will go unscratched for the rest of my life...
All of this has shown me the power of alcohol....
Howdy,

If I tried to, I could probably list about 20 liquids that are either powerful or toxic. What does that have to do with anything? Isn't it what we do with those liquids that matters?

You managed to convey a lot in your post and it does look like you're suffering, but - if I may be so blunt - it also looks like you have a crappy attitude. I know this is your first post - you're the new guy - looking for support. I get it. But I'm just shooting from the hip here and I can't help but wonder if Life would be more pleasant for you all around if you decided to have a more positive attitude.

I'm going to list the upside to the things you said you're afraid of:
1) Relapsing. Except if you do - many of us will still be here (hopefully) to reply to your posts, trudging along and doing our best. In addition, you might be cared for by a really hot nurse at a location near you.
2) You're afraid of loosing your job. Except if you do - you might get another one that pays more and that you L O V E.
3) Your car might break down with no way to fix it. Except if it does - you might get picked up by a car full of super corncoolio sober folks who want you to join their gang.

As if all the above isn't bad (or sweet) enough, you've lost your "ability to cope with the slightest amount of adversity." Which is OKAY because WE'RE here to help you figure sh1t out. That's what people do for other people who are having a hard time. It's okay. I'm glad you posted. It's sort of awkward to have to introduce yourself for the first time. Now we know who you are.



You're not alone. You only feel that way.

Life isn't for the meek. It's just not. But something about the words you chose leads me to believe you're not meek so - there we have it;.
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Old 08-20-2020, 07:55 PM
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Hi CitizenSober

I drank until I hated drinking - I was glad to stop, and glad to rediscover a me I'd forgotten about.
I built a sober life I love, and continue to love.

I'm not blissful - but I am content...not mentioning that to make you feel worse - I really believe anyone can do what I did

I do remember feeling like you do in other attempts to stay sober, tho. Life sober was no better than life drunk so why not just drink again?

That last time I quit I accepted the need to change my life as well.
I had to change how I had fun, how I solved problems and how I felt about myself.

I guess my question for you is what else have you done to change your life apart from not drinking?
When I would just not drink I was still living a life made for drinking....that makes a man miserable at best and longing for a drink.

I wonder if you're retrospectively rationalising things?
if drinking was so good, even just periodically, why would any of us stop?

The answer for me was that it really wasn't that good, not if you factor in the consequences.

I get the fear - I think a lot of us start to drink to deal with the fear - but support helps and you'll find that here

Building that sober life we love helps too - Welcome

D
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Old 08-20-2020, 08:06 PM
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all the things you list as hard in your life now are challenges you can learn to handle in different ways. if you don’t want to go the 12 step route to change, you can learn CBT for those fears and perceptions. or other kinds of tools.
your post leaves me curious why you chose to quit if drinking life was so great and you were happy all the time?
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Old 08-20-2020, 08:32 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
your post leaves me curious why you chose to quit if drinking life was so great and you were happy all the time?
Since you ask, I didn't choose, the seizures chose for me. I tried to drink less on the weekdays, this made me drink even more on the weekends. I was unspeakably ignorant to what this can do to your brain. I suffered 4 withdrawal seizures and lost about 30 hrs. Nothing in my 34 years has scared me as much as blacking out and waking up on the floor and again in an ambulance then in an MRI machine and finally in a hospital bed, with no memory of the previous 30 hours.
The Chili Peppers lyric really says it all. "I don't ever want to feel like I did that day."
I view it as a blessing in disguise. I know it's bad that it is born out of fear however, do to that fear, those seizures are an unmovable roadblock keeping me from ever relapsing.
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Old 08-20-2020, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
Howdy,

If I tried to, I could probably list about 20 liquids that are either powerful or toxic. What does that have to do with anything? Isn't it what we do with those liquids that matters?
;.
I think you miss my point. I'm saying that alcohol has a metaphysical power. I'm not speaking to the power of the actual liquid.
Same with my fears those are just generic fears off of the top of my head. That is not the point. I can fix a broken care, and am in no danger of loosing my job. My point is that do to my fragile mental state post detox (which I might add included me having 4 withdrawal seizures) my brain is quite literally broken. The problem isn't what I fear it's that I now i have fear and paranoia.
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Old 08-20-2020, 08:50 PM
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I relate to much of your post. I have been sober 20 months. I don’t regret quitting and don’t intend to drink but the fake happiness and social life that alcohol provided was a temporary reprieve from real life struggles. Without alcohol I’m forced to confront the emotional issues I was able to avoid. Thank you for your honesty.
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Old 08-20-2020, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by CitizenSober View Post
I think you miss my point. I'm saying that alcohol has a metaphysical power....
My point is that do to my fragile mental state post detox ... my brain is quite literally broken. The problem isn't what I fear it's that I now i have fear and paranoia.
Allow me to try again then. When you drank, you still had fears, you just didn't care because you were drunk. Am I on point?

Like I mentioned earlier, Life is not for the meek and everyone has fears. Maybe that's why we're all endowed with emotions in the first place, to make us aware of - stuff. If your fear is the basis for your sobriety (you're afraid to have another seizure) then I'd have to say your fear is doing you a favor.

I doubt your brain is broken. It's just not saturated with alcohol anymore. And perhaps part of you misses that. It takes a lot longer to get used to something new when we didn't welcome it in the first place.

As to your paranoia - have you considered seeing a Psychiatrist about it?

How'd I do? Any better this time?
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Old 08-20-2020, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by GiftsOfSobriety View Post
I relate to much of your post. I have been sober 20 months. I don’t regret quitting and don’t intend to drink but the fake happiness and social life that alcohol provided was a temporary reprieve from real life struggles. Without alcohol I’m forced to confront the emotional issues I was able to avoid. Thank you for your honesty.
I can relate to this a little more.


When I was drinking I always explained to people why I did it as follows: I will accept the low lows for the high highs. When I’m sober I just live at a very mundane level. Every aspect of my life was more exciting. I mean, it was all unhealthy, but I was a heathen basking in earthly pleasures, but paying a heavy price post mortem. So I do miss those high highs, and I’m pretty certain I will never recapture them, but those low lows have become too much of a price to pay.
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Old 08-20-2020, 09:18 PM
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I suffered several mini strokes in my last detox. It's been a long journey back, but for me well worth it CitizenS.

D
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Old 08-20-2020, 09:37 PM
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I agree, the low lows were too much of a price. I never want to go back. Enough time has passed where I have to sometimes remind myself of those lows. I think it’s been more challenging recently with the virus and other things going on in the world. I wouldn’t go back. I have so much to be grateful for but it hasn’t been easy, especially the last few months. I’m hopeful things will improve when some of the current world issues are resolved and with continued work on my own personal issues.
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Old 08-20-2020, 10:26 PM
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i do not believe alcohol has metaphysical powers, any more than i think it is magical.
it felt like it could magically transform me, but that was a feeling, not fact.
whatever it "brought" to me or "brought out" in me is stuff that is in me.
in me already.
anyway.....so, actually, drinking wasn't the pure happiness you originally wrote it was.
Blackouts, seizures, knowing its impact....doesn't sound happy at all.
i wish for you that you can find your way to a more satisfying sobriety.
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Old 08-21-2020, 05:51 AM
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I was opposed to AA, too. Thank goodness those 12 steps exist! They saved my life and gave me happiness daily; a miracle!!

I wish you joy and serenity on your sober journey!
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Old 08-21-2020, 06:49 AM
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Sure, alcohol gets you high. The high is not worth the lows. All that stuff you mentioned about your life would only get worse if you started drinking again. Maybe try to find some gratitude? You could be happy you have a job, hard as it may be.
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Old 08-21-2020, 06:56 AM
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I think if you believe your brain is broken, then you don't have to look for better solutions. Chemical solutions are not really a solution at all.

Your brain isn't broken. It may need a tune up.

Have you thought about therapy? Sounds like just a simple thinking problem at this point...thoughts are not facts, and they can be changed.
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Old 08-21-2020, 07:05 AM
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I always had something to do and something to look forward to after a hard days work.
Before I quit drinking, I heard Pete Davidson say in one of his sober interviews (paraphrased)...”I hear people say there aren’t enough hours in the day. I don’t get that. There are SO MANY hours in the day!” I couldn’t see myself quit, because what would I do with all that time? Fortunately, for me, sobriety brought a different perspective. Though my life doesn’t reek of enjoyment and purpose at the moment, I don’t see going back to getting smashed every night as a pleasant or reasonable alternative.

Anything life threw at me was manageable because I was never more than 8 hours away from a shot (or 15) of whiskey.
My feelings on this are different. Once I got sober, I realized drinking was no longer a coping mechanism. In fact, it robbed me of my ability to cope. The easy relief alcohol gave in the initial years of my drinking vanished as I got older and became dependent. I accept fully that there is no going back to the good ol’ days.

I’ve learned to separate happiness from contentment. Contentment I create for myself. Happiness has proven beyond my control. I have times where I am genuinely happy, and I enjoy them when they come along, but I no longer expect that from life. I am content with my life ATM, and that is enough. Far more than what some people have.

I hope that in the future I will be in a better position to chase what I enjoy, but for now that has to wait.

Thanks for sharing your struggle. I’ve enjoyed thinking this through.
-bora
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Old 08-21-2020, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by CitizenSober View Post
Howdy,
New here, just kind of need to get some stuff out of my head.
I'm 2 years sober as of 8/11/2020 and it just keeps being hard. I will not say it hasn't gotten better than it was. I have a physically demanding job out in the elements and I find myself struggling with life in general over the last 2 years, then I came to a realization; Life was easier because alcohol makes it easy to endure just about any hardship. Now those of you have a substance problem can probably agree that one can begin to understand the power of alcohol from an outside prospective. It made my life worth living (as sad and pathetic as that is) everything was good when I was drinking and nothing sucked. No unforeseen car problems, working in the sun, or last minute over time could bring me down, I was happy all the time. Either because I was drunk, or at very least there was whiskey waiting for me on my desk when all the hard work was done was over. I always had something to do and something to look forward to after a hard days work. Anything life threw at me was manageable because I was never more than 8 hours away from a shot (or 15) of whiskey.

Then I quit and now I cannot deal with anything life throws at me. I am in constant fear. Afraid of relapsing, afraid of loosing my job, afraid my car will break down and I have no way to fix it. Afraid of everything. I have also lost (among other things) my ability to cope with the slightest amount of adversity. I simply shut down and cannot process the hardship.
Then from time to time, when things get really bad, I feel that nasty sting! The urge I can never satisfy, the itch that will go unscratched for the rest of my life. The god awful searing craving for a nice fat double shot of scotch whiskey. Which of course I cannot ever have again, but my body wants it, my brain wants it, everything inside of me that is capable of feeling wants that shot.
So on top of not being able to cope in general I have a new hardship before me.
All of this has shown me the power of alcohol...it is unreal and after 2 years I still feel the void left by that power being gone.

I do not believe in AA but I do believe in fellowship. So I just wanted to get that off my chest, to a group of people who know what I'm going through.
Despite the negative picture I just painted, I will NEVER drink again, I view cravings as a bully who's trying to beat the crap out of me. I cannot defeat him, I cannot even touch him...but I can bob and weave and dodge the blows he sends at me (although that gets quite exhausting) but I will never be sucker punched by that fool ever again.
Google the book, "The Freedom Model for Addiction: Escape the Treatment and Recover Trap."
Forget everything you have been taught, told, or read about addiction and consider this. . We are all driven to seek happiness (reward). All human behavior is driven by the pursuit of happiness (reward) and that, when you choose to do something, you do so because you see it as your best available option for happiness at that given moment in time. When you get drunk, you do so because at that time, you felt it would make you feel better (happier). When you don't get drunk, you chose to do so because you realize you can be still be happy or maybe even more happy when you are sober. Unlike a child, you maturely look at long term consequences. Sure, it's hard at first because you have been on autopilot for years. But the more you think about it, the more sense it makes. When you take the time to do a cost benefit analysis you can see where you find more value, more happiness. I spent more than 4 decades on autopilot, using the quick fix or mood changer of chemicals to reverse my feelings of helplessness (fear). Finding temporary happiness in chemicals.
This was a learned behavior. Who would have thought it can be unlearned when we actually discover other important values and purpose in life that are actually more important than getting wasted.

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Old 08-21-2020, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I think if you believe your brain is broken, then you don't have to look for better solutions. Chemical solutions are not really a solution at all.

Your brain isn't broken. It may need a tune up.

Have you thought about therapy? Sounds like just a simple thinking problem at this point...thoughts are not facts, and they can be changed.
I can assure you what my brain is physically broken. I have permanent memory damage
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