I know how you feel....in 2005 I got sober for 8 years...and the first 2 years for me were really a miracle because I sounded just like you...I felt that everything in my life got worse and it actually DID....Somewhere after the 2 year part thou...the white knuckling...finally stopped...But I did drink again in 2014.....and haven't been able to stop again...except for now having 35 days...Its good you will not pick up a drink.....because nothing good really follows it even if your brain is telling you it does...your brain is changed from the alcohol...and if you can watch the documentary on You Tube "Wasted".(Dee shared it here a while ago and I watched it)..there is a part in that documentary where they actually did a scientific test on rats....giving them a drug to change their brains back to not wanting alcohol basically.....I tried to get the drug prescribed this time around but my insurance sux...and I will be changing it in November and getting on this drug ASAP.