The Power of Alcohol
Howdy,
New here, just kind of need to get some stuff out of my head.
I'm 2 years sober as of 8/11/2020 and it just keeps being hard. I will not say it hasn't gotten better than it was. I have a physically demanding job out in the elements and I find myself struggling with life in general over the last 2 years, then I came to a realization; Life was easier because alcohol makes it easy to endure just about any hardship. Now those of you have a substance problem can probably agree that one can begin to understand the power of alcohol from an outside prospective. It made my life worth living (as sad and pathetic as that is) everything was good when I was drinking and nothing sucked. No unforeseen car problems, working in the sun, or last minute over time could bring me down, I was happy all the time. Either because I was drunk, or at very least there was whiskey waiting for me on my desk when all the hard work was done was over. I always had something to do and something to look forward to after a hard days work. Anything life threw at me was manageable because I was never more than 8 hours away from a shot (or 15) of whiskey.
Then I quit and now I cannot deal with anything life throws at me. I am in constant fear. Afraid of relapsing, afraid of loosing my job, afraid my car will break down and I have no way to fix it. Afraid of everything. I have also lost (among other things) my ability to cope with the slightest amount of adversity. I simply shut down and cannot process the hardship.
Then from time to time, when things get really bad, I feel that nasty sting! The urge I can never satisfy, the itch that will go unscratched for the rest of my life. The god awful searing craving for a nice fat double shot of scotch whiskey. Which of course I cannot ever have again, but my body wants it, my brain wants it, everything inside of me that is capable of feeling wants that shot.
So on top of not being able to cope in general I have a new hardship before me.
All of this has shown me the power of alcohol...it is unreal and after 2 years I still feel the void left by that power being gone.
I do not believe in AA but I do believe in fellowship. So I just wanted to get that off my chest, to a group of people who know what I'm going through.
Despite the negative picture I just painted, I will NEVER drink again, I view cravings as a bully who's trying to beat the crap out of me. I cannot defeat him, I cannot even touch him...but I can bob and weave and dodge the blows he sends at me (although that gets quite exhausting) but I will never be sucker punched by that fool ever again.