Thank you all so much for your replies. I have been taking some time to process replies and you have all been so kind and helpful. I understand how I have been viewing him as 2 separate people and trying to view him as one has been particularly challenging, but it’s a great perspective.
trailmix, you asked if I had somewhere I could go for a while. Unfortunately not, but I have been debating the idea of an air bnb or something similar for a week. After last weekends antics I haven’t managed to talk to him about anything and fear resentment is building up. I woke at 3.30am this morning after having had a nightmare about my youngest. It was a really horrific dream in which my youngest died because of my partners alcoholism. I understand of course that it is just a dream, and that my children are not in any physical threat, but I am a strong believer in listening to what our subconscious state is trying to relay to our conscious state, even if it is in an abstract way (or more directly to the point as mine were). I cried and cried and then tried to go back to sleep, and after I did, my dream just picked up from where it left off. I’m exhausted. I’m annoyed. He promised me a booze free week and so far he has drank on 6 of the 7 days. I have noticed a new pattern merging (or perhaps it was always there). He was showing signs of stress the other day and hints how nice a beer would be right now. I didn’t acknowledge it directly. About an hour passes and he comes up to me and gives me a massive hug, and instinctively I knew what he was doing so I just said ‘no I don’t want anything from the shop, thank you’ he had been sitting there trying to make his mind up as to whether or not he was going to buy beer and I suppose a way of appeasing his guilty conscious was to be loving towards me if that makes sense? Anyway, as soon as I said what I did, he told me how much he loves me and said ‘you and me against the world’. Now usually he says that in terms of us being a team, not when he’s feeling guilty about something. Maybe he knows he has a problem? Days followed and he would go to the shop after work, making sure he’d pick something up for me too. One evening it was tonic, for my gin (didn’t ask for this) I said thank you and declined a gin when he asked if I wanted one. Another night it was chocolate (again didn’t ask for this). Then the other was ‘do you want anything from the shop?’ I said no thank you, which was followed with ‘are you sure? Any wine? Chocolate? Tonic?’ To which I said no thank you. Is he getting these bits for me so he feels less guilty? Either way, just feel low and exhausted this week. Highly emotional after my dream. I am studying for my diploma and I can’t even face that. A dog that just doesn’t behave herself (Ate ALL the flowers in the garden this week!!) and a teenage daughter who is bored out of her mind because we can’t leave the house (because dog howls the house down if she’s alone!)